What to say to someone who is terminally ill
If a friend or loved one is terminally ill, it’s understandable that you may be at a loss for words. You might even be hesitant or anxious about talking with them or spending time together for fear of doing or saying the wrong thing during an already difficult time. Each person is unique and may respond differently to certain conversations, but we hope this guide offers a few helpful ideas about what to say when someone is terminally ill.
What to say: phrases that offer comfort
There are no perfect words at times like these, but being there for your friend or loved one and making an effort to talk with them is what matters most. Often offering words of comfort can make a world of difference.
Maybe you’re not sure what to say to a dying friend. Or maybe it’s a family member with a serious illness. Either way, the guidance below can help. Use it to approach the conversation with compassion and care.
These ideas can help you start a meaningful conversation and show your friend or loved one you are there for them.
1. “How are you feeling today?”
This simple question gives your friend or loved one the opportunity to share as much or as little about their terminal illness as they’d like. Ignoring their illness because you’re uncomfortable or worried about making them uncomfortable can invalidate their feelings and be hurtful.
Asking how they’re feeling acknowledges their illness while allowing them to lead the conversation. It’s a wonderful gateway question, meaning it can lead to many other conversations.
2. “Do you need anything?”
This question highlights your desire to help and shows you care about their needs. Maybe they’re craving a good cup of coffee, a warm blanket, or a buddy to watch their favorite movie with. Or perhaps all they really want is a big hug or a shoulder to cry on. This open-ended inquiry makes way for you to fulfill any number of important requests.
3. “I’m here for you.”
Offering your time and listening skills is sometimes all that’s needed to lift someone’s spirits. This phrase is a good option instead of offering platitudes like, “You’re going to get through this,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” These phrases can invalidate their emotions and their struggle.
4. “You’ve been on my mind.”
Telling your friend or loved one that you’ve been thinking about them is a wonderful yet simple way to show you care. This phrase can also help you segue into sharing a favorite memory of this person.
If you reach out via text, email, or voicemail, it’s important to let them know that they don’t need to reply if they’re not up to it. Often, people who are facing a serious illness are bombarded with messages and calls from people who are thinking about them, and the obligation to reply to each and every person can be overwhelming or emotionally draining.
5. “I love you,” or “You mean so much to me.”
When trying to figure out what to say to a terminally ill friend or loved one, it’s often most meaningful to simply express your feelings for them. In the book “The Four Things That Matter Most,” author and doctor Ira Byock found through extensive research that these four phrases carry enormous weight to terminally ill patients:
- I love you
- Thank you
- I forgive you
- Forgive me
When it’s unclear how much time they have left, it’s crucial to tell your loved one how you feel, and often.
6. “I’m not sure what to say.”
You won’t always know what to say to a terminally ill friend or loved one, and that’s okay. Telling them you’re at a loss for words offers a healthy dose of authenticity. This can also show that you might be struggling to navigate your own feelings of grief and pain without going overboard and burdening them more.
When silence is preferred, you can communicate your feelings through physical touch, like placing your hand on theirs, giving a hug, or patting their shoulder. These small gestures are a powerful way to show you care.
7. “If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m here to listen.”
Sometimes reducing the talking and letting someone know that you are there to listen is the best way to show support. Offering an open ear can allow them to express their thoughts or feelings.
What not to say to someone who is terminally ill
When you don’t know what to say to someone, it can be overwhelming. You may want to tell your terminally ill loved one that “it will all be okay” or “things will get better.” While these sentiments have good intentions, they aren’t useful in this situation, as oftentimes the person who is ill will feel like things won’t get better. These phrases can unintentionally dismiss what the person is going through. They may also feel pressure to seem more upbeat than they really are. It can also shift the focus away from them. Instead, give them space to share how they really feel. You can try saying some of the suggestions above or offering practical support.
How to support a friend with a terminal illness
Supporting a terminally ill friend can feel different from supporting a close family member. You might wonder whether you should visit, call, or reach out at all, especially if you aren’t being updated regularly about your friend’s condition. It’s also common to worry about saying the wrong thing or intruding during such a difficult time, but a simple, thoughtful message can mean more than you realize.
If you’re unsure what to say, try keeping your words honest and pressure-free. Try a simple message like “I don’t want to bother you, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you” or “I’m so glad you’re my friend.” These show you care without asking anything in return. Reaching out often reminds your friend they are not alone.
Beyond words: how to help someone who is terminally ill
Spending time together and showing your loved one you care through acts of service can sometimes be more important than the words you choose to say. If you need tips on how to help a sick friend or loved one, try lending a hand with one of the below five ideas. And for more general guidance on offering comfort during a hard time, see our guide on how to comfort someone.
1. Care for their children or pet
Offering to babysit, pick up their kids from school, or take their dog for a walk is a favor that can mean a lot to someone who isn’t feeling their best, and doing one of these things isn’t a huge time commitment.
2. Drive them to a doctor’s appointment
For many, learning how to deal with a terminal illness means coming to terms with a new reality. Getting from point A to point B is one of many simple tasks that can become difficult when someone is very ill. By offering to drive your friend or family member to their doctor’s appointment, you’re lifting a burden while providing emotional support through what may be a difficult visit.
3. Deliver a hot meal
No one likes cooking when they’re not feeling well. Because nearly everyone appreciates food, dropping off a meal is something you can do even if your friend or loved one hasn’t requested it. If you’re not one to cook, try giving them a gift card to a restaurant, or organizing a rotating dinner schedule between friends.
4. Send them a note to show you are thinking of them
Writing a note to someone who is terminally ill is a meaningful way to show your support and care. In your note, be sure to let them know how much they mean to you and how much you have valued your time with them. You can also let them know that you are there for them and always available to talk and listen.
5. Provide physical comfort
If you feel comfortable and are able, you can help your terminally ill loved one by providing physical comfort. This could come in the form of personal care like bathing, dressing, or mobility or it could involve creating a comfortable environment for them. Ensure they have comfortable bedding, access to their favorite books or music, and anything else that makes their space pleasant. You can also help them with their pain management by staying in touch with their medical team to ensure their pain and symptoms are well-managed.
How to help someone who is terminally ill financially
A terminal illness often brings significant financial challenges in addition to the emotional toll. Costs can add up fast. Medical bills, lost income, travel to appointments, home care, and medication all create stress. So do everyday household expenses. This can weigh heavily on both the person who is ill and their loved ones.
Start an online fundraiser
For millions of people, crowdfunding has become an important way to raise money during a challenging time. An online fundraiser provides a central place for friends and family to unite and offer financial and emotional support. Whether you’re looking for financial help to cover palliative care, support someone going through cancer, pay expensive medical treatments, or manage medical bills, an online fundraiser can provide financial relief and allow your friend or family member to focus on what matters during this difficult time.
One of the most meaningful ways to help is to start a GoFundMe fundraiser on a friend’s behalf. Anyone can create a fundraiser for a loved one. It brings together friends, family, coworkers, and the wider community to provide financial support. Funds raised can help cover medical bills, transportation, home care, or everyday living costs. This can help the family focus more of their time and energy on being together.
For some families, practical support may also include preparing for what comes next. When they feel ready, they may find it helpful to explore organizations that help with funeral expenses and understand what assistance may be available.
GoFundMe also offers resources providing guidance on how to financially assist someone going through cancer and how to crowdfund for a child with cancer.
Make a difference for someone who is terminally ill
If you’re also supporting someone through the loss of a loved one, our guide on how to help someone who is grieving offers additional guidance. You can make a real difference by lifting a financial burden from someone who is terminally ill. Through GoFundMe, you can start raising money within minutes of signing up, and our fundraising platform means more of your donations will help the person who needs it most. Begin making a difference. GoFundMe can show you how it works and answer all your fundraising questions.
What to say to someone who is terminally ill FAQs
Avoid phrases that promise an outcome or tell the person how to feel. Examples include “Everything will be fine,” “Stay positive,” “You’re so strong,” and “I know how you feel.” These can feel dismissive. They also put pressure on the person to manage your comfort. Instead try something direct, like ‘I can’t imagine how hard this is’ or ‘I’m just here, you don’t have to say anything’.
Yes, if the person wants to. Many people who are terminally ill find it a relief to talk openly about their situation. Taking the lead from the person rather than avoiding the topic is usually the right approach. If they bring it up, engage honestly and listen. Avoiding the subject entirely can leave someone feeling isolated.
There are several ways to provide financial support to someone who is terminally ill. You can give money directly for household or medical costs. You can also help pay for rides to appointments. Or you can set up a meal or grocery delivery for them. Starting a fundraiser on their behalf is another option. It brings together their wider network to help cover treatment costs, home care, or everyday living expenses, and anyone can start one on someone else’s behalf.