TW: Alcoholism / abuse
One week today (6th April) I will be running the London Landmarks Half Marathon for NACOA - ‘The National Association for Children of Alcoholics’ - a charity supporting children growing up in families with a parent suffering from alcoholism or a similar addiction.
I grew up as the child of an alcoholic mother.
From age 13, and for ten years of my life, my mum chose alcohol over me and my siblings time and time again. I watched the woman who was everything to me, my rock, the person I did everything become so ill that she transformed into a complete stranger, an abuser, yet one that was completely helpless.
As a teenager I was warned alcoholism was often terminal, and heard so many tragic stories. I witnessed her hit rock bottom over and over again, and each time prayed she would find a new freedom, or some kind of miracle would occur. I also knew that for some alcoholics, devastatingly, this would mean leaving this world. I had no choice but to stop trying to convince her to change - it was pointless because her cognitive function had been hijacked.
How did this all start?
Back in 2013, my life turned upside down when we found mum unconscious on the stairs in our family home. It felt like my life was over and little did I know this would mark the start of my mum’s 10 year battle with addiction.
Having your mum, paralytically drunk, hold onto you, swear on your life hundreds of times that she wouldn’t do it again, to then find another vodka bottle hidden under your bed, receive another phone call from the police or a stranger to say she’s been found passed out after days of hearing nothing, or locking myself in a room trying to block everything out was really damaging. It broke my heart more times than I thought was humanly possible. There were hundreds of incidents I won’t be detailing on the internet, but they will be in my memory forever and I have learnt to be okay with that.
Ages 13-15 my dad, siblings and I were theoretically homeless, my attendance at school was <60%, and 80% of days felt impossible. I have this one haunting memory of one evening looking at my dad and us both just falling to the kitchen floor of wherever we were staying that night, and just both admitting we didn't want to be here anymore. Basically, most days were survival days.
Being the eldest also meant I supported in caring for my siblings, who were ages 7 and 11 when this all started, much too young to understand why they had been ripped away from their mum.
As the years passed, I spent the majority of my days paranoid about where my mum was, when I would next see her, whether she was alive… we visited various rehab centres and places she was staying, latching onto tiny bits of hope as we got to have sober conversations before it would inevitably come crashing down a few days later.
Lots of stuff happened after this… it was really hard, but I have written too many words to include any more at this point and appreciate you even reading this far. It's also quite strange writing this out, because it all feels like a weird nightmare / horror film / period of time that didn't actually exist.
I lost the majority of my childhood and teenage years to mental health struggles and this stuff, but the only option in my mind was to take back control where I could. I secured A*A*A at A level, received Oxford and Cambridge summer school placements, moved to Birmingham to get my first class undergrad and masters degree with distinction, before landing an incredible grad job in a Big Four firm and lots of other cool stuff (mainly weighted pull ups).
For those of you who know me, fitness (running, hybrid-training, dance, climbing) is super important to me. I am so injured right now, but running next weekend means everything - I will get it done.
It's been a long journey, and one that fortunately has had a happy ending. Over the last couple of years, my mum gained back her sobriety - I have rebuilt my relationship with her and but she truly is my best friend. I am so insanely proud of this woman, and don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot more to it than ‘forgive and forget’ after 10 years of trauma lol, but her presence in my life is the craziest blessing.
Alcoholism is not a choice. It is not a lack of willpower. It’s a disease that destroys families and has more willpower than anything. One that stole so much from me and those around me.
Children - or adults - in these situations should never have to go at it alone. Please consider donating. I want to make a difference to young people who have been impacted in a similar way to myself.
I’m gonna run 21.1km, and I’m gonna run it fast.
Thank you for reading, and thank you to everyone who has been by my side throughout this time. All my love.
Holly
