Rosebud Bunker

ITS HARD BUT WE ARE MAKING IT I know it’s been a while since I updated. I have gone back to work part-time, and I am so lucky to have the people behind me that I do. Those who have been through this, those who can understand where I’m coming from, and those who may not have been through this but can still find compassion and empathy and lend me strength when I need it. I am trudging forward, putting 1 foot in front of the other, and some days it’s far harder than others, but we are making it through to the other side. One more chemo to go before radiation begins! More than half way there definitely living on a prayer. As someone who has Cerebral Palsy I have always lived a grateful life- but now… wow. Thank you will never be enough. That being said I want to share some thoughts, I’ve had a lot of thinking time- So, if you have someone in your life going through this, maybe you have a little insight and you know that they’re grumpy demeanor, they’re suddenly quiet nature, or their desire just to be alone and lick wounds, they never asked for but FEEL like they are carrying alone, even with so many people beside them is “normal”. Cancer is the loneliest thing I have ever experienced, but also has shown how loving and caring people truly are. I would love to say that I have faced this with all smiles and that it has been smooth sailing. But there have been lots of days where I’ve cried myself to sleep or cried myself awake because it hurts, not just on the outside but on the inside. There are things that I can’t explain even to those who know me best and love me even in the moments when I find it hard to love myself. Cancer changes who you are. It changes your body. It changes your spirit. It changes your outlook on life. I’ve said many times, this is the curveball none of us expected and in every way from every angle IT SUCKS. I do however find myself now appreciating things I never even bothered to look at before, and maybe that’s the purpose. Maybe that’s the reason. I know now that life is not infinite, that time is precious. This realization is bother terrifying and in a way beautiful. Live the time that you are given. There is only now. - So many people in my life keep telling me “It’s only temporary.” and yes, this piece of the journey is only temporary. My hair will grow back… I will be healthy again, life will move forward. But the reality is cancer is not temporary and neither is the impact that it has on the warrior it invades or the lives of those around her who will also be forever changed. Who I see in the mirror will never be who I saw six months ago, before all of this started. I’m used to battle scars. but the new ones I carry tell a story that could’ve taken my life, pieces forever gone only phantoms remain- where there were once routine exams, there will now be fear, and what ifs- every ache, every pain in the back of your head, will ask if it’s cancer?! you will see fellow warriors on the street and know that they are fighting a battle, not just that the world can see, but one that they can’t, and that hopefully many will never understand. Silent solidarity in a club you never wanted to be in, tears that no one else sees, that never seem to grow less. Grieving a self, a life, and a body that once was but never will be again. Missed opportunities taken- left to pick up pieces that don’t fit quite right together again. But still we battle on, fight for those who we love and a life that even though may seem dim right now is worth it. Forever changed but still worth living. Self love and acceptance are a struggle all their own during this fight learning to love the new you with a respect and gentleness that is both forgiving and fierce. Look in the mirror and see not what is broken but was has survived! Breathe deep. deeper than you even know how, and when you exhale, just remind yourself you only FEEL alone, you are not alone! Let those feelings and fears come, welcome them, embrace them but do not let them consume you or accompany you too long on this journey. They are too heavy to drag along, you need your strength to fight and to live! Which leads me to thank you, Thank you again to everyone who’s donated, and as this GoFundMe prepares to come to an end, just know that your love and support and prayers and everything good that you have surrounded me with has changed me and taught me that even in the worst of times, if you look to those around and you surround yourself with the right people, you can find hope and strength and someone to lean on. I cannot wait to ring the bell. I cannot wait to walk out of the radiation office for “the last time.” to say goodbye to the immobilizing leg pain and horrendous side effects ( which, honestly, I’m grateful for because they’re saving my life). To be able to sit beside (not inside) this all again and look at it as something that I went through and not something that I’m going through. (I’ll leave this “open”, only so that when this is finally over, I can come back and scream that we won, that I won with the help of all of you.) If you find yourself in this battle, one final thought, some people may not react how you expect them to, but the right people will show up and step up. Those are your people. Thankful and blessed xoxo “How do you smile through it?!” Well it takes as many muscles to smile as it does to frown so it’s energy better spent.

Some days are harder than others on this journey but I have the best of the best behind me making sure we get through this to the other side of all of it together I am also my mothers daughter (and my fathers) Strong is our middle name in this family. Today was the hardest day I think yet… this is full transparency. Breast cancer (and cancer in general) robs you of yourself and women of their femininity it takes your soul and crushes it. It takes your breasts. It takes your hair. It takes everything that you are and makes you question what’s left. It takes your safety and replaces it with fear and uncertainty. it’s brutal and it’s painful and it’s sad and heavy- all of those things. You become a stranger in your own body, looking in the mirror and not recognizing who you see staring back at you with sad eyes, someone stripped down and vulnerable. But when you have people around you who remind you that you are strong and you are loved, and you can see your own beauty shining back at you through their eyes it makes everything so much easier to carry because you know you’re not carrying it alone. What a day. #breastcancerfighter fu$& cancer to my people I love you more than I can ever say. I promised updates through this journey and this is where we are. It’s exhausting. But we are still moving forward..

Tomorrow chemo begins. Today I am trying to breathe and take it all in. The amount of people who have asked me or commented on how I can joke and laugh through this…. That’s how I’ve gotten through life and it is easier to smile than to cry, to remember what you are fighting for rather than give up and stop fighting. I am so incredibly lucky and so incredibly grateful for all the people in my life who are standing behind me and beside me during all of this, making sure that I keep going not just physically, but spiritually. My beautiful friend Althea who has made sure my hair stayed clean when I couldn’t wash it myself gave me an amazing hair makeover today so that as it leaves my head it is little piece of pink happiness sprinkled everywhere I am so grateful, lots of things are a little emotional right now, and this was definitely one of them. Also, please understand that if you are texting me and I’m not texting you back right away I am having moments and needing to breathe sometimes it’s hard to have so much going on on the inside and still smile on the outside, but I am determined to do just that and kick it in the ass. Love and light. HERE WE GO ( as some of my most favorite humans once sang). Thank you, thank you thank you so much for all the love and prayers and support.

I just wanted to update and shout out with another thank you and bit of what is to come. So many of you have shown up with support and prayers and warmth that it has me floored. We are nothing without the community that surrounds us and I truly believe that, as so many have surrounded me from near and far. Yesterday I had a chance to speak with each one of my doctors individually. YAY NO MORE DRAINS! We will be moving forward with an aggressive chemo regiment. In about two weeks we will begin and every three weeks I’ll be given a high dose. It’s going to make me look and feel like Sh** BUT that will mean it’s doing its job, so again, Yay?! Then we will follow it up with some radiation (number of treatments still unknown) and some pills that I will have to take for quite a long time, but we are working to make sure that it is A) all gone and B) never comes back. I am blessed by my team of doctors and so thankful that they’ve taken such good care of me and are helping me make sure to kick cancers ass. There may be a test or two more in the near future just to check some things out (and double check that everything is out of me). I will update you guys when I know more about that as well. This is definitely the toughest battle I have ever faced and any of you who know me personally know that I’m no stranger to battles…. but I’ll continue to put 1 foot in front of the other, and move towards putting this behind me. Everyone who I meet and talk to about this says that I have such a good outlook and that is going to pull me through… and let me tell you, it’s not easy to keep smiling and joking and finding humor in the darkness, but knowing that I have so many people behind me, cheering me on helps tremendously. I am not going to let this win, not spiritually and not physically. So thank you yet again from the bottom of my heart! My sister send me a beautiful song the other night from the amazing Dolly (and friends) It’s called PINK “You gotta believe without seeing You gotta keep going, keep breathing When you face a day that feels like you're gonna break Lean on the ones that love you The guardian angels above you And think, about when pink Was just another color” Looking forward to the day when pink is just a color for myself and for all those going through this heavy uphill battle.

First of all, I wanted to reach out and thank everyone who has donated. This is actually a very lonely road to be on, but being surrounded by so much love and support makes it easier to bear. We still do not have a clear roadmap of treatment. We’re hoping to get that in the next couple of weeks now that the double mastectomy is done and the palpable cancer has been removed and sent for oncotype testing. We do know that there will be some form of radiation and chemo, but what that looks like is uncertain.I promise to keep you all as up-to-date as I can. Yesterday I got to venture out for the first time in over a week and went to visit my plastic surgeon who removed two of the drains and what is called the wound VAC. I still have two more remaining drains, which means still no showering :( and limited moving around, especially with the Cerebral palsy we don’t want anything to come loose or undone while I’m bobbing up and down. Anyone who knows me knows that I am no stranger to pain and I do not complain because there is little anyone can do, that being said I will say, this journey has taught me the difference between unbearable and manageable…, I think for me one of the hardest things physically is not being able to rely on my arms like I normally do since I can’t, and I’ve never been able to really, rely on my legs. This whole experience has been very humbling and your support has given a lot of light in an emotionally darker time than I would like to admit. So again I just wanted to say thank you and I promise I will keep everyone up-to-date as this progresses. This disease and its fight is a lot of hurry up and wait, wait for answers. Wait for plans. Wait to get back to your life… Thanks to all of you though, some of my tears are now not just from pain and frustration, but from the gratitude and the love that it is being shown so openly from family, friends and even strangers. Lots of love and prayers always, Rosebud