Cj Lara

let me cut to the chase: i'm trying to pay my rent for the month of may, which is $980. i've been put on a ten day notice and they say i have until may 22nd to make that payment or they're terminating my lease. yikes lol. i've made it two years at this spot and i am not giving up my little crusty ass apartment if there's literally anything i can do to prevent it. now let me do what i do best, and wax a little poetic lol i'm cj lara. i'm 31, disabled, chicana, genderfluid and bisexual. i'm what happens when a former gangbanger meets a classical trumpet player and decides to put a baby in her before his divorce is finalized, basically i was born a suicidal tendencies member. i mostly spend my days sleeping near my cat, going to therapy, and rewriting songs i started 3 years ago. as unseriously as i take most things, this is something that is genuinely important to me. keeping this apartment, maintaining my independence, there's nothing i've wanted more in my entire life. to be on the brink of losing all that i've worked so hard to attain, it's devasting. unsurprising, given the state of the world, but devastating nonetheless. but like david bryne you may ask yourself, how did i get here? ten years ago, i was diagnosed with epilepsy and it came completely out of left field. i'd been having these "episodes" for months beforehand, but they weren't taken seriously, until i totaled my car. really, i don't remember the crash at all. i was turning a corner and next thing i know, the emt's were next to my window asking if i was okay. which i lost my license, my car, AND my chinese food, but thankully i was okay lol. that crash ending up being the catalyst that changed like, everything. i was with an incredibly abusive partner at the time of my crash and it would be another full year before he went to prison and i left him for good. but once i left, suddenly i had to face my mental illness and the fact that i'm autistic. the next year i was homeless while going to school full time. my epilepsy was unmedicated for most of the next 3ish years and took a TOLL on my body. i also lost family and friends that were incredibly important to me, one of the hardest being my father who took his own life in 2022. during this time i was battling drug and alcohol addiction at my worst. and then of course, there was a pandemic lol. it was a long ten years. throughout all of it, i kept telling myself that i only wanted one thing. an apartment and a cat. the thought of that future pushed me through some rough days. i applied for disability the first time in feburary 2019. in may 2024, i got my award letter and the apartment and the cat were suddenly within my reach. it took 5 years of waiting with bated breath, but my apartment and my cat and i moved in in august 2024 and here we remain lol. that's not to say it's been smooth sailing ever since lmao. my ssi/ssdi benefits barely cover rent, so my budget is TIGHT (read unrealistic). i've endured more hardships, as one does when they are disabled, mentally ill, or literally just a human on this planet. but i'm so grateful for every second that i'm here. even if it's tenuous, even though i'm still sick, my apartment feels like proof that i'm capable of more than survival. that i, just as much as anybody else, deserve to thrive. after this one missed month, i'll be back to making it work, but i'm also looking for a part time job, so i do have a contingency plan, it's just a matter of the immediate. if you're able to donate, or if you have any suggestions of where else i could turn, please let me know. thank you so much.