Sean Connolly

To borrow a Norwegian phrase, Dear Everybody, I am writing what is likely to be my final health update. It is not exactly good news, but there is a silver lining in it all. Feel free to share it with anyone you think might take inspiration from it. Lately I can't tell what's killing me faster, the cancer or the treatment. My body has been thoroughly abused and it's time for me to thank it for its monumental effort at performing round-the-clock repairs and allow it now to have a long rest. We had considered two stop-gap treatments this week, in order to buy us more time to find a trial, but the truth is, no treatments come without serious side effects and my body is simply shutting down. In the span of a few days, my breathing has gotten so bad that I'm not even eligible for the vast majority of trials anyway. So we've elected to halt any future treatments and are now in contact with a palliative care/hospice care team. We had the talk with the kids today. It went much better than expected. There were lots of tears but also lots of laughter. These kids have seen a lot in their short lives and have developed a remarkable resilience as a result. I felt very confident about my physical health around this time last year, after attending a meditation retreat and almost spontaneously recalibrating my entire value system. I'd also say that, other than the physical discomfort of the past few months, it's easily been the best year or year and a half of my life. My conclusion from it all is that my physical healing, and especially in my own personal case of complex and pre-existing cancer, is far from straightforward, but relying exclusively on our money-driven and often inaccessible health care "industry" from the beginning was a mistake. Still, I choose not to live in the past and feel like I have been blessed with a type of healing that no chemotherapy or alternative treatment could ever have given me. I leave this world holding no grudges, no resentment, no anger, and no ill-will towards anyone or anything. Not even the cancer cells. A friend of mine recently asked me about self love, which I believe is something that is sorely lacking in the world, and often confused for selfish love or narcissism. Nothing could be farther from the truth. This friend said that it appears I've “cracked the code on self-love,” and so I've spent a long time contemplating if there really is a code and what it might be. The honest answer is that I genuinely don't know. I think there are many ways to get there, just like there are many ways to cure illness, to exercise, and to meditate. There is no one-size fits all approach to any of it. But what I DO believe regarding self-love is that it's crucially important for human health and flourishing, and yet is such a rare thing to witness today. Many are so wracked with guilt, shame, and disappointment, and fully convinced that their self-worth is tied up in what they've accomplished in their lives (as measured not really by themselves but by a rapidly changing societal standard), that they spend their whole lives striving and working to impress others. Yet at the same time, we look at a baby and ask of it nothing at all. It gets all our unconditional love, and we'd sound crazy if we said out loud: "how could you love that baby, it's literally done nothing to earn it." To take it one example further, we'd also agree today that a person with a severe disability also deserves all our love, despite being "unproductive" by normal standards (although this was, of course, not at all the case until our more recent human past). My point is that, to me, self-worth is intrinsic to life. Everything and everyone has inherent self-worth, even the drunk on the street, whose challenges that led him there most of us could probably scarcely imagine. How we arrive at truly loving ourselves is individual, but it starts by accepting and reflecting on the falsehood that our worth is tied to our productivity and what we DO. We're always judged poorly by society for simply "being." Well, I'm happy to report that I've been plenty unproductive of late, and yet I love myself just as much as before. I do not feel like a failure or that I needed to FIGHT harder (despite feeling heavy sadness at times). And for the silver lining in the whole situation? I will die truly happy. This much I know, despite everything I appear to be losing. For they are just appearances. All the "good" things in my life; my wife, my kids, my friends and family, our house, and my job, were never really MINE in the first place. I have never really "owned" anything, least of all my children. I was fortunate enough to enjoy their company for a little while, and for that I feel like the luckiest man alive. I have made my peace with what comes next. Life will go on without me, I promise you that. The autumn leaves will grace the trees, children will make snow angels in the park, and spring will bring to the earth renewed energy and a fabulous array of colors. Do not forget to take it all in. And anytime you feel that undue, unprompted, and unwelcome feeling of guilt, do smile and think of me and say: "thanks, but you're not welcome here." This is goodbye until it's hello. I love you all so very much. ✨ Sean

Hello friends!! Just writing a health update for anyone interested. This is science language for many but ctDNA results show no more HER2 expression (which is not conclusive but not a good sign, as it made my cells targetable). This leaves all HER2 treatments/trials off the table, our trump card, so to speak. Due to this, the chemo I was on has, for all intents and purposes, already stopped working (translation: it’s developed resistance). We may do 1-2 more infusions, because it may still help against some cells that have not yet “mutated” and have another scan in a month, but essentially we’re in the dark in terms of where to turn. It’ll most likely be a trial if we can find one. We will be consulting several places next week to learn more. Health setbacks seem to be coming thick and fast these days, but life is bigger than statistics and I am more than a diagnosis. I am blessed and full of love and gratitude to still be here and want nothing more than to share this love with everyone in my life. (I wouldn’t MIND, of course, if breathing came a little easier. Haha.) But then again, it’s only in first losing something that we fully appreciate how great it was. I feel so enormously thankful for so much in my life. Your love and support are up at the top. Please send any love and energy you can muster out into the world and maybe the PERFECT trial will just fall into my lap. In other news, the kids and Lauren are loving life in Fairfax CA and now that school has started, have already made some great new friends.