TeamLily

I was not good at being pregnant. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of November 2018. I didn’t just have morning sickness, I had all day sickness. As much as I was eating I would also throw up and I was eating A LOT. I was in the ER multiple times due to nausea and dehydration. I was spoiled with many early ultrasounds in my pregnancies and am grateful that I was able to see the progress of my pregnancy and bond with my babies. During the first ER visit I was informed that I was pregnant with twins. Due to me being so ill and the fact that I was pregnant with twins my care was switch to UW High Risk Pregnancy Center. My pregnancy would be followed closely and appointments and ultrasounds would be more frequent. In January 2019 I was back in the ER, I had been having increased discomfort and nausea. They took me back for a ultrasound and saw both my little peanuts on the screen. Something was wrong, Baby B was the usual squirming blob but Baby A was still. I knew instantly. On January 10, 2019 I was informed I had lost Baby A.

          Baby A was part of me. Embryo, fetus, baby it doesn’t matter what stage it was my baby and I loved it. I think when you lose a baby like that you lose hope or some part of your future and dreams that you have created. Losing Baby A shaped the rest of my pregnancy and caused me to be very fearful of losing Baby B, my Lily.

          In the last few days of May I had been experiencing intermittent cramping. On April 1, 2019 I spoke with my mom and called the nursing line and made the decision to be seen on the labor and delivery unit to get checked out. I was calm on the drive there, my mom told me to check in later, she also didn’t appear worried. I figured I was overreacting. After losing Baby I was gifted a home Doppler so I checked Lily’s heart rate multiple times a day and it had been normal.

          I remember the way the Resident Doctor looked at me; she had this sorrow in her eyes, like she knew her news would wreck me. She left the room and came back with her Attending Doctor and two other Doctors. They closed the door and sat down. I was 21 weeks pregnant at that point. They told me that I was 4 centimeters dilated and my membrane was exposed. I didn’t understand, they then explained that this is usually caused by an infection in the uterus. This type of infection was serious and if left untreated would kill the baby and me.

          So at 21 weeks pregnant what were my options? My only goal was to save Lily. The doctors said if it was an infection Lily could not be saved, at 21 weeks she was unable to survive, Lily wasn’t “viable”. I had never heard that word before and to this day I never want to hear that word again. Lily wasn’t developed enough to survive outside of my body. So my next thought was how do I keep her in me, I was willing to do whatever it took. If there was an infection that wasn’t an option my parents also made it clear they could no lose both me and her. That’s when the doctors presented the idea of “The Pill”. The Pill would send my body into labor, my daughter would either die in the process of labor or shortly after.

          I screamed begged and pleaded with the doctors, my family and God. It felt like my soul was breaking. They asked if I wanted a priest to bless her body, I talked about things that night that no parent should have to talk about. After all that took I refused, I wanted to wait, if I had an infection they one more day wouldn’t hurt and the next day I would do the text to confirm if there was an infection but I was not giving up without a fight. So I waited. Thank God I waited because the result was negative, No Infection!

          But why was this happening and would was the plan? I punished myself and went through every second of my pregnancy beating myself up. I thought I did this to her, every single doctor and specialist assured me that this kind of this just happens and it happens more often but most women can’t or wont talk about it. So I asked them how do I move forward and what can I do to save her? There was nothing I could do. Bed rest? No. Medications? Nope. Could they sew me shut? Not possible. What if I laid upside down for 4 ½  months? Wouldn’t make a difference.

          So I was 21 weeks pregnant with is 4 ½ months, 4 centimeters dilated with an exposed membrane and since my membrane was exposed that possibility of infection was great and with the dilation I could go into labor at any point and lose Lily. I learned that at 24 weeks (5months) is when a baby is considered viable, so I had to make it 3 weeks and even then Lily would be 4 months early with roughly a 30% chance of survival. I have never felt so completely powerless in my entire life.

          I don’t think I can write anymore. I am sitting at home typing this up and my chest hurts and as I am typing this I feel like I am reliving every moment over again. There was so much trauma and sadness. Lily made to exactly 24 weeks and was born by emergency C Section and that infection that they were afraid up happening happened after she was born and five surgeries and almost two months later I was sent home from the hospital but my baby girl is still there. She is 109 days old, she has a personality, she smells amazing, she loves to lay on her stomach, she likes her pacifier and can even grab it herself sometimes, did I say how amazing she smells, she loves being held and will fall asleep in your arms instantly. But she is also in the hospital, 109 days of her life is an absolute gift but also so painful. I lay in bed and look at her crib and clothes and wonder when she will come home to me. Yeah…….. I definitely can’t write anymore.

          I love Lily all the time, I think of her all the time and when I am not with her I want to be. Anything you donate will be towards making her life better and helping me to give her everything she deserves.

          Thanks.