Why didn't you leave? A Domestic Violence Story

"If an abused woman tells you that what she has told you is only a tip of a tip of the iceberg, believe her."

Hi. My name is Ana. I am a victim and now a survivor of domestic violence. But the war is not over and I survived only the first part of this journey. I have found out through many, many attempts to escape that I need help now more than ever in the days after I have escaped my abuser. I need help now to keep from becoming another statistic and to keep my children from watching me die at the hands of the man who told me and them that he loved us the most. There are many ways in which he can still continue to hurt me even after I have left the relationship I never thought I would be in. I never thought I would be a victim. I never thought my children would be caught in this world of hurt, uncertainty, and fear. They look to me for answers and now I am able to assure them that we will be okay. However, I do not know if that is true. I do not know where the next meal will come from. I do not know how I will get to work without a car, or how I will get a car, or food, or pay for the roof over their heads that is already past due and in danger of being taken from us. But I am all that they have, and the only one who can reassure them that everything will be okay. I have written several drafts trying to decide what was THE most important message or information to convey in this gofundme "story." And with each draft I felt like I was just not expressing the heart of the situation and that what I had written was only a tip of a tip of the iceberg that is my story. I finally decided to just write. And I hope that what you read will inspire you to make a difference in the lives of several people who cannot help themselves. This gofund"me" is not for me. It is for those that depend on me. It is for those other 5 lives that cannot survive if I do not find a way to be a survivor now and not a victim. I will not ask for more than I need to survive. To get a car, to go to work, to put food on the table, pay my bills for the current month, and get just ONE foot on the path toward recovery. To save my family from imminent homelessness and help me to help myself (and them) to survive. Please read my story and find it in your heart to donate.

My story:

Seven years ago, I met a man who I knew would change my life forever. I fell for someone who would ultimately abuse me physically, emotionally, psychologically, verbally, financially, and sexually before I would find the courage and capability to break free. I made a change that took tremendous courage that I thought I did not possess to protect myself and my children from the abuse. He has done so much to hurt them and they have seen so much in their lives that I cannot begin to express to you how important it was that I get out of the situation. I will not let them be a casualty of abuse.

This did not happen overnight. The psychological abuse subtly chipped away at my personality until I was a shell of my former vibrant self. I am a writer, an artist, a photographer, a friend, an entrepreneur. All of these things were taken from me over 7 years. The red flags along the way were always equally matched by a hurdle that seemed impossible to jump and made leaving impossible to imagine. At times I blamed myself, and I abused myself, buying into his claims that I was stupid and incapable of doing anything right, and by letting him takeover my thought process, I made it even harder to leave. But I know now that the blame lies with him and that I did not deserve it. It wasn't until I started making a safety plan and putting things in motion to leave him that I finally started to break free mentally and see that I was capable of doing it.

When I started making small changes to my life and taking tiny steps toward protecting myself and breaking free, he seemed to detect that it was happening. He felt his grip on me slipping. The abuse escalated. The physical abuse that had been occasional before became frequent and more dangerous, to the point that the last time he strangled me in the kitchen, lifting me off the ground by my neck, my feet dangled and my children sat at my feet crying and trying to hug my legs. I felt my consciousness slipping away from me and then he stopped. This was when I knew just how easy it would be for him to kill me and do it while my children watched.

I worked diligently in the background every chance I could to try and find funding and programs that could help me to escape the situation without creating a chain reaction of events that would endanger us further. I formulated a plan and I expedited the plan that I had already been working on, because it was now DIRE that I escape before it was too late. I had to rush now instead of slowly saving money, etc to make sure that I didn't lose the house and ultimately my children to the system. It was a miracle that I was even able to do any planning at all. If any of you reading this have ever been in a domestic violence situation, you know that they watch your every move, monitor money completely, and do not leave much room for escape/safety planning.

Most people assume that it is only a matter of choosing to leave. Or choosing your children over the abuser. Some people actually have called me a bad mother because I let this happen to my children. And there are times when I believed it as well. But I can tell you that is absolutely not true. I have lost friends and family who have given up on trying to help and at times, their "help" has increased the level of abuse exponentially. So when I cut them out of my lives they were left thinking I chose him over them. As logical as that was for them to believe this, I hope they now know that I chose to remove people from my life that loved me so much that they would not give up and they would not stop trying to help, because their help only made things worse. So I let him win. I let him take them away from me. And I just told myself that when I finally get out, they will understand. They will know that the abuser knows exactly how to keep you from leaving. His tactics have no end and no limitations and he adapts to each and every attempt break free or even reduce his power over you. I have been planning my escape for so long now that it felt like it would never happen. It was a lonely road but one that I am glad I found the courage to travel.

So this brings us to present time, I finally got in touch with an advocate from the Haven women's shelter and began the process of the Temporary Protection Order. It was signed Friday morning (two days ago) and served to him at around 11 AM on the same day. A TPO only protects victims if it is enforced. The law enforcement in the small town in which I live, chose not to enforce the order of protection. They served it and did not make him leave. Over the course of the 15 hours after he was served, I was abused further, stolen from, harassed, and made to feel like I was the problem. They permitted his actions and therefore gave him permission to abuse me. Their inability to perform their duties emboldened him further and made him feel powerful and in control, which is exactly what an abuser likes to feel. They left me feeling powerless and controlled which is exactly what his abuse feels like. They in essence, facilitated his abuse and abused me right along with him.

Now I am left with no way to sell the few items I had in my possession to sell to make money to pay my rent or try to get a car or even to pay for a ride from Uber. Those items were stolen from me by my abuser, after they refused to enforce the protection order. I am alone and scared with four children to care of and one on the way. I hope that someone out there will be able to help. Please donate any small amount you can just to help me to make it a few more days. I have calculated what I would need to pay my rent, utilities and put a down payment on a car. It is far more than I am asking for here in my gofundme. But, one day at a time is all I can hope for. And if I get a car, I can do all the rest on my own. But the car is so important. I am lucky to still have a job that I can go to and make money. But in a matter of days, that will not be the case either. I can find another one if I have to and I will. I have determined that if I just had a way to travel to and from work and a small amount to pay a babysitter, and a few hundred for the electric bill to be paid before it is turned off, I can start making money and take care of the rest one day at a time. I appreciate your time, anyone who has listened to my story, and you can never know how much your donation means to me. And again, this is just the tip of the tip of the iceberg.

Thanks,

Ana