to get rid from our mother's debt

Alright so... first of all. That's my first younger brother and me on the head picture, as we're the both protagonist and i couldn't find better.

I'm gathering money to recover from debt that me and my brother incurred trying to pay "my mother's" reckless drug/debts and cut ties with her.

You can continue reading to see the full story.

Now. Excuse me if my english is not the best as english is not my native language.

I want to thanks everyone who could have understand and who have been there for me, and to support me for years and in this hard time.

I really hate to vent online and i rather ask help when i really don't have a choice. It's been soon a whole month and i did my best to keep patience and keep my head on and... i am failing.

I wish i could describe the situation the shortest and fastest possible. But you all need details to understand the level of it and why i'm really asking help right now.

I really don't know where to start as there's so much to tell...

It's all about a family member, a toxic one, "my mother".

To start with : yes, it's "my mother", and i closed my eyes my whole life on her behaviors. Her words. Her choices. Her "education". Because people says it : well it's your mom, you have to accept her anyway.

But right now, it was the drop.

More context. I grew up with a "mother", who didn't care. Who didn't care about people. About her friends. About her behavior. About her choices. About consequenses. About her own children. I grew up every weekends and vacations alone until 15yo, which i've mostly spent with my grandfather.

Why? Because she is literally a teen.

And, i am not joking on that. She have been on alcohool and drugs her whole life. She would take drugs and such in front of me and my brothers later. Going into parties every weekends and vacations. Anytime possible. I knew to be independant and cook for myself at only 7yo. I've spent weekends without even food.

At 9yo, i used to take care of my first little brother. Then the second and last. I was the eldest who had to play the parent for two little boys. Cook food for them. Change diapers. Educate them. Listen to them. Everything. I had no teenage time. I could only be alive and make friends online.

I grew up with a "mother" who didn't care. Who wouldn't want to be present and listen. Devaluing and judging anything i could say. All the thoughts or problems as childish it could have been. This is the part of answers i got "Oh i don't care", "Ohh this is nothing, what are you complaining about?", "Don't you see i'm doing something?!" "You are young and dare to think you struggle?" "Oh shut up you're annoying", "shut the hell up, i have bigger problems".

I was just a child who needed a PARENT. SUPPORT.

And if i was pushing to just have an ear to listen to me, i was being screamed at and insulted.

She is literally faking her support when only other people are around, but deep inside : she never cared.

I grew up shutting up. Not being expressive. Minimizing my own thoughts and feelings. Playing alone. Being bullied all my life not only at home but also at school.

I really thought something was wrong with me...

Until i recently realized. I realize how and why i have been under big social issues, depressions, alcohol issues and being suicidal most of my life.

Why? Because my two young brothers are going through the same things and issues. We are all the same. From growing up with "a mother" under alcohol and drugs. From being ignored and insulted. She was the source of our issues and traumas. We all take psychologist's appointments, as if it wasn't enough to understand why.

All i did is wait anyway. Waiting to be an adult and be away from all this. But my brothers was still living hell.

After years, at 17yo, my first little brother missed school for a whole year. He was being under constant judgement, devalued and harassed by my mother. When i showed up, he evolved and took his chance to get a job and change his life in a positive way. How? He just needed support and an ear to listen to him.

Because that is the thing. When i'm there, everything goes well. When i'm not it's pure chaos. I have been playing the parent all my life. Disgusted just at the idea to become a real parent. I never want to be one and yet i still acted like it since i am 9.

My first brother, finally at 19/20. He is living good, taking his life in his hands, having a good job and making his own money.

The second? He is 14 now, very clever for his age and... last February : he talked to the school psychologist. He told everything. Being alone at home, "mother" not responsible being under alcohol and drug. Never there. No food at home. He was the only minor left and she lost custody of her last son.

No worries about him, he is fortunately under very good hands on his father family's side and i keep news with him. I wished i could have help him sooner...

So that was the first past context to present.

I am very sorry, i try my best to describe even thought i could tell so much more...

Now here comes the actual situation.

After this and loosing custody, she fell harder on drugs and became homeless. My first brother, who is 20 today, had pity and felt bad for "our mother", he took her in his home place. I felt it was a bad idea. And how bad it is... He is a very good boy and just wanted to do and try his best.

Everything was apparently going well for a few weeks.

Until "our mother" had the weird and light idea to leave the town. Lone parent now and free from children, she said "wanting a new start". Which sounded very weird to us.

We thought she could finally change on a positive way, at 49/soon 50yo and finally opening her eyes.

No no. She leaved the town. But not for good reasons. And one week later my first brother call me in fear, tears and panick.

Dangerous dealers showed up at his place, threatening him to death to pay in a week. And this because "our mother" ran away and disappeared. But to pay what? Well of course 1400€ of coc****.

The situation was out of hands and it felt surreal... i started to panick as i had for sure not this money. I kept calling "mother" for explanations and tell her to take care of this. But no she was a teen, selfish, proud, stubborn, at a bigbang level she was.

I then had the idea to pay 700 and my first brother the other half. That was... surreal and sure, a scary situation.

To be sure to take back our money from our "mother", i took her at my home place, forced her to find a job and so pay us once she have the money. Just... keeping her on a leash. That's so embarrassing...

She came at my place (and my partner's). She didn't show any remorse, didn't feel guilty or even apologize to have put us in such dangerous situation. Not even for us to pay for her mess. She had even dared to tell my brother to take out a loan to pay all that... What level of sass is that?

She found a job first week of August. And at this same time : my brother call me again. Again in tears, exhausted and fear. More men came at his place, threatening him violently and physically for some other money my mother had to due. Other guys. 600€. My brother gave most of his salary on the first time, he had only 400 left... which he gave. He have nothing left. I payed for the 200 left to help him... We gave 2000€ in two weeks...

The poor amount of commissions i have just opened this August. All away... again. "Our mother" owe us 2000k now. And knowing her... we knew we have a risk to never see this money again. Because yes, she is extremely greedy, as she stole a lot of money in the family. Which is why i had to take her in my own place like to keep her on a leash. To keep an eye at her. Playing the parent. Playing the cop.

I am... devasted. I am psychologically breaking. There is... so much i could say and want to say, you all have no idea how a hell it have been. I have been depressed and suicidal for years. I was just recently having hope again, wanting to live again without making commissions to have a "goal" to keep going. Now with a very good positive and supportive partner. And i can tell i feel so horrible, pathetic and embarrassed to have my partner forced to live this situation with me and forced to deal with "my mother" in there. Our own place, our home.

I can not even work or even play to relax... One of my eye kept vibrating for two weeks even while asleep. I'm slowly going insane... I drink alcohol or smoke to relax the tiny bit i can. All i do is, spend my days sitting on the balcony, drinking coffee and lost in my thoughts. If i try to work or play i end up crying, going through anger issues from an enormous frustration. My body and brain are just like in stand by. Waiting. Waiting for her to work and pay us. I have privated myself and worked so hard for months to save and all this to disappear... i feel horrible for my poor brother who is barely starting to live as an adult and make his life, to loose everything. I want him to be refunded first and then me. Cause i know she wouldn't refund him if i don't keep an eye on her. Everyday is like a mental torture without one minute of peace.

Today, she made a big scene. Like, she dared to, about home chores. Which i told her to stop doing as i want her to focus on her job. She kept going, judging my partner and acting like she was above us. Screaming like an insane sick woman. Under my own roof, she dared to. Of course, she crossed the line long ago. Too much lines even. I was the only one left who could have help her. The only one left, hating her and yet still there.

But she's not the one i want to help, all i did was to help my brother. Because he count on me and because this is my job as the eldest and pseudo-parent. All i want from her is our money.

My poor partner is slowly loosing it as well... It's a constant daily stress for both of us. Running away to see friends and not stay at home to feel just a bit of peaceful. I feel so horrible and guilty to make my partner deal with this...

I want her to leave... i want her to be away from me, from us. We are all ready to stay away from our genetrix. Yes, genetrix. She is not and never have been "a mother". And a friend made me realize this. She is only a bomb who keep exploding in your face, even after making your life a hell. I don't want to count on her for this money, deep inside i know i can't. I have to be submissive to her mess and behavior so she don't run away like a teen to flee her responsibilities. I want this hell to end...

I really don't know what to do anymore. All i can do now is ask for help, and so push her away from my home. What if she owe more money to dangerous people? What if they know where she is? I have insane scenarios going through my brain everyday... I feel sick and ashamed. So many feelings and more i want to say... All i want is this genetrix to be out of my life, our life, so this is why i come here, literally desesperate to ask help, so i could push her away, give my poor brother his money back and mine, and so live again. I feel so pathetic to do that, but i just can not anymore... it crossed too much lines, and i just can't deal with such person and situation anymore...

I really didn't want to open this page, to describe my life and this pathetic situation... if you have questions or else, do not hesitate to ask me in twitter DMs... I wish i could have tell more, but this is already way too embarassing...

I want to give all thanks and love to all the lovely private messages and supports i got since this hell started. Thank you for all of you who could help my brother and me to end this situation through this page.

Thank you everyone for the support, the read and help ♥