We hate to bearers of bad news, but there seems to be a bug going around. None of us have it, but it seems to be trying to ruin our lives.
Our little Pistola's team has always been like a family. Sure, a cousin might be fired for stealing or a sister axed for drinking in the walk-in, but we all love each other and it kills us to see these people suffer with no end in sight. Management is doing everything we can to help everyone through this, but the waters are muddy, and the timeframe unknown.
We're not exactly comfortable asking you to help our team, but as we explore options to take care of everybody, we're running out of time as they are out of whiskey and have eaten all of their toilet paper. So, friends and family of the Pistola's team, we have to ask you to donate to keep them from certain doom.
All money will go directly to our staff with amounts determined by height and how much we like them. We appreciate everyone's help and when we get through this, we'll throw a party that spans all three places to celebrate our survival.
We love you all,