Support Single Motherhood Journey

Having my child Oscar, even in a pandemic, was the best choice I have ever made. However, it was not an easy one. Not easy emotionally, physically, or financially. I’ve come to sort of hate the term single-mother-by-choice, not only because it assumes some hierarchy of single motherhood, but also because it did not feel like such a choice to me, even as I recognize my privilege in having reproductive choices at all. I felt a need to be a mother. As a single woman with less than a great income, adoption felt financially and temporally out of reach. I did not have a slew of perfect parenting partners I was rejecting in favor of solo parenting. That person has yet to enter my life. My body was running out of time. And I had a grandparent ticking clock, I wanted them in my kid’s life, and thank god they are.

 

The process, while being the right one for me, plunged me into thousands of dollars of debt. I was too ashamed to ask my community for help. This was my choice, the world does not need another child, I hate that healthcare in our country needs private donations to be funded, I can’t ask for this. But I watched as friends whose partners could impregnate them, or who lived in states with better insurance, or who had family money struggled less with the question of whether to do this or not. I donated to friend’s pet’s surgeries, a good cause to be sure, but why did I think that was more worthy of help than what I felt I (not what all people) needed for my flourishing life?

 

My shame stopped me, but I do not want it to stop my dear friend who is in a similar situation. She is a woman in her late thirties. She is single, not for lack of trying not to be. She would be an incredible mother; she will raise a child who is beyond kind and more committed to social justice than probably my kid will end up being. She will love her child fiercely regardless of gender identity or sexuality or ability. Her doctor told her this week that she better start now if she’s going to have a chance at this. However, some recent emergent expenses have her currently financially strapped. So the barrier to entry for motherhood is not desire or emotional readiness or love, but thousands of dollars. Because this all comes with a lot of shame anyway (thanks heteropatriarchal ableism), and because she has some community of origins who have shamed her for this choice, for now I won’t be sharing her name, but I am asking those willing for help.

 

If you have felt grateful that you got pregnant easily, or had a partner who could help (physically or financially), or family support, consider donating. If you have struggled with fertility issues and know this burden, consider donating even a small symbolic amount in solidarity. If you have taken joy in watching my journey with Oscar, and have seen what love like this can bring into the world in hard times, consider donating. If you want to say a big old fuck you to evangelical men who have shamed my friend, consider donating.

 

If you think this is all silly, or unnecessary, or problematic – totally fine. But DO NOT COMMENT here.

 

Thanks loves!