Survived emotional abuse. Now I am paying my abuser $44K. Help me make peace with it by offsetting this cost.

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Five years after my separation, I finally filed for divorce last October. I am deeply proud of myself for conquering the many things I was afraid of. I feared if I filed, he would stop taking care of our kids, his surveillance of me would intensify, and/or I'd regret my decision.

Now, as the divorce is nearing being finalized, I’m facing a new challenge.

Based on the financials he provided, I have acquired more assets than my ex during our 5-year separation. Based on that, he demanded $50,000. I countered for much less and we settled on me giving him $44,000 and not getting any funds from him.

Every time I think about writing that check, I am flooded with rage. Not because I can’t pay it, but because of what it represents.

1. I’m paying the man I am still healing from.

He is my body terrorist. This man made degrading comments about my body, told me no one would find me attractive naked, and after he got caught cheating for the umpteenth time he told me he was doing it because, “sucking my titties was a chore”. Once, on a family trip walking the boardwalk in Atlantic City, I caught him sending photos of clothes to another woman, saying she’d look great in them; words I never heard from him.

2. He refused to pay child support for the five years of our separation.

His excuse was he did not want any equity in the home. I pushed back on that because home equity is not liquid. I got tired of arguing and watching how the tension was negatively impacting the kids so I let it go. But after I filed for divorce, he came for that same equity. Child support can’t be backdated but home equity can. Idk if he knew the law better than me and was always going to come after the equity, this request is to offset the court ordered child support, or something else.

3. He lives two states away with another woman and her children and he does not think I deserve support.

I am raising our kids on my own in Ohio, far from any family, with no day-to-day support. He fought against paying for childcare because he felt I did not need help with transportation, meals, cleanup or anything else that supports our children. He said things like I don’t need to travel for work while he gets to live his life free and clear of the responsibilities of day-to-day parenting. Now, it feels like money that should benefit my kids is instead going to support his new life.

It doesn’t feel right in my spirit to pay $44K to my body terrorist, to the man who emotionally abused and neglected me. Who gets his kids maybe 12 weeks a year while I take on the brunt of parenting (e.g., logistically, emotionally, financially, physically). It feels like he is trying to punish me for leaving. Since I filed for a divorce back in the fall, it’s felt like he has worked to destabilize me financially and emotionally. Just weeks ago, I received a bill for over $200K because he would not sign the necessary documents I needed to refinance our home.

I come from extremely humble beginnings and overcome very hard and traumatic obstacles to get to where I am. If you want to know more about my story, catch it here and here). I feel a lot of pressure to make it, continue to make it happen, and be successful as I am the person so many depend on.

One of the last things my father told me before he died unexpectedly was, “A closed mouth don’t get fed.” I’ve taken that to heart.

This GoFundMe serves two purposes:

• Financial assistance to offset the $44K settlement.

• Raising awareness that harm does not end when a marriage ends, especially for survivors of emotional abuse.

I am asking for help because of the injustice of this situation. If you understand what it feels like to survive, work towards healing, and still have to pay your abuser, you understand why I am asking.

Thank you for your support, whether it’s through donations, sharing my story, or simply sending encouragement. Whether it’s $5, $50, $500, or more, every act of kindness strengthens my courage and reminds me that I’m surrounded by care, community, and that I’m not alone.