Siobhan for Simba Charity in memory of Saoirse Rose

On Sunday 18th May, I will be running the Goring Gap Ultra Marathon in memory of my girl Saoirse. She would have been 9 this year and every year, it surprises me how brutal the loss hits. Someone once said to me "don't worry, after a while you wont even think about her". I won't tell you my reply.

I have struggled to write an answer to the 'why are you raising money?' question for weeks. I have gone from feeling determined to raise an obscene amount of money for our memory box charity to chastising myself for even daring to believe I could raise even a penny. I have written and deleted and written and deleted over and over but eventually settled on this:

I left the hospital on the 5th April 2014 with, what I now affectionately refer to as, 'my f*****g memory box'. Saoirse was stillborn at full term and instead of carrying my beautiful baby girl home, I got into that lift carrying that thing, pressed that button while those two strangers watched with inquisitive horror. When I got home I sat on the floor, put the box in front of me and I cried and cried.

I couldn't open the box for many years, I'm not sure I could tell you what is still in it. I hated it. But on the day she was born I opened it and there were two little teddies. One to go in with her and one to come home with me. Mine is called 'mummy bear' and Rocco sleeps with it every night. Also in the box was a pink scratchy blanket, hand knitted by a kind stranger, which I put back almost instantly. A few years ago I opened the box and my goodness the smell. For someone who suffers with PTSD that trigger was immense but I left the blanket out and I now sleep with it on my chest every night.

I don't really hate the memory box anymore, in fact I’m rather fond of it and am ever so grateful to have these bittersweet keepsakes with us daily.

It horrifies me that there are still families who need memory boxes but even more horrifying is knowing that some families don't receive them at all because this beautiful small Scottish charity can no longer operate in England due to lack of funding.

So in two weeks I will be running to raise money for Simba to say thank you for my memory box in a time of desperate sadness, and I will be running to make my daughter and my sons proud of me. I know on the day she will be looking down on me and excitedly saying to her angel friends "see that one there? That's my mummy!"

Thank you xx

More information about Simba Charity: Our goal is simple, to honour babies who have died during pregnancy or around the time of birth. At Simba we respond to the needs of those affected by the loss of a baby. We help families create precious memories and offer beautiful ways to honour and remember their baby, now and always. Simba is about memories.