This feels incredibly vulnerable to write so publicly, but I don’t know what else to do.

Trigger warning – birth trauma, suicide

In October we were joined by our gorgeous twins. Whilst they are a huge blessing, the birth was incredibly traumatic. Due to an unknown cause, I suffered cardiovascular instability on top of severe pre-eclampsia and a major obstetric haemorrhage. Laurence was told that both I and one of the twins might not survive. I then spent 24 hours in ICU, away from the twins.

When we eventually returned home, I wasn’t able to function and was admitted to a Mother and Baby Unit in Exeter for two months. Partly due to staffing shortages, my mental health actually deteriorated and we were transferred to Bristol MBU in January. That stay was also very difficult and included hospital admissions for one of the twins. However, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD (different to PTSD and not related to the birth), which has helped make sense of struggles I’ve lived with for many years.

After another two months, we were discharged home at a point when I really didn’t feel ready, but we had reached the limit of what the MBU could offer. It has now been two months since we returned home, and much of the support I was promised hasn’t happened or is still pending. I finally start a group therapy course this week, and other support is being explored, but we need more help, and sooner.

Over the past couple of months, I have been more suicidal than at any other time in my life. We’ve needed support from the crisis team, ambulance service, and police. Laurence has taken on an enormous amount, both emotionally and practically, and hasn’t been able to work due to the level of care the twins and I have needed. Most days, I am unable to function, and it has put a huge strain on us both and on our marriage.

This might sound dramatic, but if anything it is understated.

Because of my cPTSD and perinatal depression, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to accept help from people outside my family. At the same time, we know people are busy and have their own commitments. So we are asking, if you’re able, for help in a different way.

We are raising funds for practical support to help us get through this period safely.

What would make the biggest difference right now is:

Childcare for 2–3 hours, 3 days a week, so I can meet basic needs like showering, eating, exercising, and practising coping strategies, and so Laurence can sleep after being up at night with the twins.

A cleaner, as I become easily overwhelmed when our home feels unmanageable.

What your donation could do:

- Exercise support (which has helped my mental health in the past)

- Private therapy if we are unable to access this through NHS services

- A bigger second-hand car (the buggy takes up the whole boot in ours and I have to squeeze between the twins)

We would be so grateful for anything you feel able to give. And if you’re someone who prays, we would deeply appreciate that too.

Thank you for reading and for being part of our support system.