I need help

Hi, I am a very vulnerable 36 year old father so please be gentle with me.

I don't where you start with these things. I've never used this site before. I have a beautiful partner called Lisa and she has a son. I have 2 girls and the kids are aged 8, 10 and 11. I am a manager for a retail company and Lisa is studying to become a nurse. Why am I asking for donations you might ask? Well I'll try to say it in the best way that I possibly can.

I've been ill for quite some time now, over 8 years. I suffer from a mental illness that I still haven't received a diagnosis for just yet. We are currently working towards that. For a long time I've wanted to know what's wrong with me so I can at least try to accept it. I'm a proud man and I don't like to ask for help. I do occasionally rant on social media but I don't really ask for real help from anyone.

At the moment I'm currently off work on sick leave and I've been in a bad way. I have to visit some people every day due to the fact that I'm currently suicidal. I have 3 failed suicide attempts behind me and I really don't want there to be a 4th attempt. My kids know that I'm ill and I get sad but so far I've managed to hide this from them. The older they get, the harder this becomes. We are working with the assumption that I suffer from bipolar disorder but it's difficult because many symptoms are in many different illnesses and depending on what mood I'm in depends on what information I give to the GP and other professionals. So when you weigh it all up it's not surprising that it's a difficult thing to figure out.

I'm currently off work. I've worked hard to get myself out of debt and lead a normal working life. I'm the main income for the house and I don't have any savings. It's hard to keep jobs because in almost all jobs I'm just a number. Maybe 4 times I've had time off in this job due to my mental health. I've worked here for 6 and a half years. I've been really ill lately and things are bad. The pressure is a lot to deal with.

I've been bad really since July and never been able to shake it off. It was my birthday in September and my hero, my grandad passed away the day after. I'm so difficult to live with and  be around at times and that has made Lisa ill, she now is antidepressants  and the thought that I have caused that weighs really heavy on me. Things and life just keeps hitting me hard. I don't want to sit on my bum at home, I want to work! The difficulty I have now is that I have a car, money on a credit card, rent, energy bills, food and all the rest of it. People just automatically assume that I must be in debt, I'm not. Going back there is just somewhere that will make things worse. Everything is spiralling out of control and I really don't want to die. 

There seems to be charities and help out there for lots of people but there's nothing out there for me. All I wanted is just to step back and take a moment to compose myself but life doesn't let you. I know people will read this and abuse what I've said and abuse me but I wouldn't be putting this out there if I wasn't in desperate need. I've trimmed as much outgoings back as I can. I'm getting rid of my car and as many luxuries as I can. I'm contracted to lots of things and when I go back to work everything will hopefully be okay. But at the moment I'm losing and things are hard. I don't want to leave them without a dad and I'm doing all I can to survive. 

My pride will come back but without help, I may not. £2200 will give me the opportunity to take a break from life and know that my family will be okay. That gives me a chance to try and fight this and sort out my medication. It gives me the opportunity to go to therapy without having the worry about people turning up at my door. I've already been selling items at home to cover the shortfall in bills but how long can I realistically maintain that? I'm even struggling to buy my medication each month. It's not about Christmas, that alone this year is going to be a huge struggle. My grandad isn't here and real money struggles lead to incredible stress at home.

I'm trying my best to look for answers. If you can help, then please do. If you've got kids or loved ones then you'd do anything for them and I'm trying my best for mine.

Thank you