Patricia Hartman - Help for Memory Care Costs

My mother was diagnosed with Dementia in 2020 at the height of the Covid Pandemic. In hindsight she was exhibiting symptoms long before that. I had to put my mother in an institution in April 2021.

I would like to tell you a story of my mother, where she came from and the small achievements she made throughout her life.

My mother was born in 1939 in a small town in Indiana, she grew up on a dairy farm and got married at a very young age and had 3 children. Shortly after her third child she divorced and found husband number two and ran away to what eventually became California and had two more children. It took eight years before divorcing husband number two and she probably could have packed up her five children and gone back home to the farm but persevered to make a life for her family in California.

At 28 years old she had five kids and no husband and no family support, she worked nights at a packaging company, days as a beautician and even bartended on occasion, always trying to figure out another way to stay afloat and raise her kids. Jump forward 6 years later she studied for her real estate license and started selling real estate. Life was good for the first time in a while. The real estate market became rocky in the 80’s, so between times of selling a home she started selling title insurance to fill in the gaps. When that fizzled, she became her own boss and started her own company to help people meet up and became roommates, she matched people with like personalities to help those of us that couldn’t afford to live by themselves, me included for many years.

In 1994 my mother and her husband number 6 decided to retire and move to a small town called Copperopolis, CA. I don’t know exactly when or if that was the time that she immersed herself into the Lion’s Club or if she was already apart of the club before that, but that is defiantly when she was all in.

She immersed herself in the club joining any and all fundraisers that she could physically manage. She was relentless, her personality and likability made everyone around her want to join in and assist in whatever fundraiser, dinner, booth, car event was happening at the time. She enlisted friends, family, merchants in the community even my children to help with whatever cause was happening at the time. She became the president and eventually the district governor of her regional club and when my niece was burned in a fire my mother became her biggest advocate.

She was unstoppable when it came to helping others. She spent nearly 30 years with the Lion’s and only quit because she could no longer travel. She attended conferences, governor dinners, travelled to Mexico to build for the indigents, raised money and awareness for the burn victims, collected glasses for the seeing impaired, offered her time and energy to the camps, travelled from country to country to attend the conferences.

She loved the Lion’s and their cause and was devastated when she had to throw in the towel. We should have seen it coming when she finely gave up the fight to participate in the one thing that she loved the most.

When my husband died from his fight after two years of cancer, my mother dragged me to every Loin’s event she could think of to help me with my grief. She was a past Governor and went to many events especially for them and I was her date. It gave me comfort to sit and listen to these great people that fought the good fight. Many of them in the 80’s and 90’s still trying to give as much as they could possibly muster up. Never wavering to a challenge to give more.

In 2012 my mother started having significant memory issues that could no longer be ignored. She started losing things, having difficulties paying her bills, being confused when she went to the doctor’s, having a hard time recounting events. She came to live with me. She lived with me for two years and finally got into a senior facility and moved in. She met a potential husband number 7 and things went downhill from there, they decided to move to Arizona. He noticed immediately what we were all too close to see. My mother would get lost, she couldn’t find things, she would repeat things over and over and not know she was doing it. He couldn’t cope with it and again she returned to my doorstep and once again lived with me for two years. Then she decided to move in with my brother and lived with him for almost 2 years when we finally got accepted into an assisted living facility. She moved in and the next day COVID hit, and the world stopped turning.

My mother was in her own silent world that she knew was slipping away and then was in lockdown to fend for herself. She couldn’t cope with it. She started staying up all night because she was terrified, she tried to go see my brother but would get lost. I started going to her apartment every day before work because she would forget to cook. Until I finally decided to move her back in with me. But that was quickly a decision that was bigger and more challenging than I ever thought possible.

She was in denial, and I was helpless to give her what she needed; we were both in a hell we didn’t understand. I kept taking her to the doctor, they kept telling me she was healthy, and nothing was wrong with her. We would fight and yell and say horrible things to each other. She would wake up the next day and not be able to recall any of it. I beat myself up for not being able to cope, feel guilty for everything from yelling at her, not giving her what she needed, for feeling helpless and most of all watching my mother disappear before my very eyes. I followed her for years, no matter what town she moved to or what awful husband she picked because she was everything to me and the only rock in my life. No one understood her or my inability to break away from her. I felt awful for allowing myself to be swept into her days of panic and frustration but neither one of us could stop the ever-swirling hell we were in. My Sister and brother tried to give me some kind of reprieve but as soon as she was back it continued until it was an everyday fight. Until I finally took her to see a Neurologist in desperation to find answers. He was our savior and our grim reaper. He finally put a name on my mom’s manic episodes and crazy behavior. He gave me permission to stop feeling guilty and start embracing the disease that we already knew was here, so I could help my mother on this path.

I started reading everything I could get my hands on and then the fateful day came when my sister and I decided to put her in a facility. I thought I was going to die! The guilt for not being able to handle the situation was deafening. My mother resisted and the first place was ok at best but not great and over time I watched my mom succumb to the disease. She was miserable and cried a lot, which made it harder on me, for doing this horrible thing to her. Then we found the perfect place for our mother, they were loving and accepting and even though she wasn’t coming home she didn’t resist. She was clean and happy and stopped crying every day. She started remembering little things, she was never going to be her old self, but this new place was bringing her a comfort that I can’t describe. She has been with them for a little over a year now and she is healthy and happy and some days I can see my mom in little glimpses of the past.

So that is a little crack in my mother’s life. A life filled with exceptional strength, determination, undying love, and fortitude. Her perseverance has made me into the person I am now and all her mis judgements, mis guided decisions and her unwavering belief that there is always something better just over the horizon is why I am asking you to help me give her the best comfort and happiest time she has left.

My mother didn’t graduate from high school, she never had any family support, her taste in men was atrocious, however she never stopped giving where she felt it was most needed. She strived to make the best of any situation. She loved seeing her hard work help others. Now she needs you!

She tried to do the right thing for her last days. She bought a little policy to help with burial expenses, that she actually paid more than what it is worth. She purchased long term Care Insurance, but it wasn’t a great policy and has only afforded her of 2 ½ years of comfortable residence. Even Tho husband number six did leave his pension to her it is nowhere near enough to cover the costs of Memory care.

I am asking you to help me keep my mother in a private pay facility that is clean and comfortable, where she thrives and has friends and people who lovingly take care of her. We have used everything available and have run out of avenues. The state of California has forgotten its elderly, they are more concerned with what is newsworthy and give to other countries instead of looking inward to their most precious historians, their own mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers. The state facilities are sub-standard and uncaring, and my mother and everyone else’s family members should not have to settle for it. We have no choice but to submit to a less than acceptable place to leave our parents and grandparents to live out their final days in substandard living facilities, and that is only if they qualify. There doesn’t seem to be anywhere to turn to for help, which is why I am reaching out to you.

Please help me keep my mom in a place that she feels safe in, something we should all be able to give our parents in their last days. It is a private pay company that is family owned. They have been gracious enough to discount my mother’s rent in hopes that we can come up with the difference. They started their business because their own family member was diagnosed with dementia, and they could not find a suitable place for her. Now her grandsons are running two facilities and they are wonderful. The facility is top notch, their employees are wonderful, caring and loving and most importantly my mother thrives. They love each and every one of their residents and I have such gratitude to them for being so caring and wonderful for what they do every day of their lives.