Our Journey to Baby Baker

When you're younger, you have this picture of what you hope and dream your life will be like when you grow up. Mine was, get married to the love I was destined for and have a family. I thought getting pregnant would be easy because all you see around you are pregnancies left and right. You then find your true love and start actively trying for a baby. Before you know it, months go by, then years without success. You're confused and left thinking, "what's happening"? Am I the problem?" Years go by, and you've been to multiple doctors who keep telling you nothing is wrong; keep trying. Every cycle is painful because you're trying to fake a positive outlook, and eventually, another cycle passes, and your partner finds you crying in the shower. This story is long and painful and made with many tears falling on the keyboard, but I hope you can sit and hold space for us.

 

 

 

Matt and I met in 2006 at Fort King Middle School, he sat behind me in science class, and I thought he was the cutest kid; he was so shy and could barely talk to me. His sister, Hayley, forced him to "date" me (middle school dating was just holding hands to class), and it lasted maybe a week cause the poor kid was just so bashful. That was the start of our friendship that grew a little more every year. Eventually, we would talk nonstop every summer until we grew up a little more, and by the time we were entering senior year of high school, we finally decided to make it official.

 

 

After high school, Matthew moved to St Pete to work on his bachelor's degree, and I moved to Tampa with my mother. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do for a profession and searched to find my passion. I've always had a love for helping people and have been interested in the medical field since I can remember. I stumbled on an article about midwives and got goosebumps, a voice in my head telling me this was my path. I emailed a local midwife to get more information and was hired to birth assist. I instantly fell in love with women's strength and power during childbirth. Unfortunately, I couldn't start midwifery school yet, so I stayed in Tampa and birth assisted for 3 years. Eventually, I moved in with Matthew in St Pete and was so sure I wanted to marry him I found every opportunity to show him rings and talk about weddings. Once he finally graduated college, I knew it would be soon, just waiting for him to pop the question. He took his SWEET TIME to propose, but he finally asked me to marry him, and of course, I said yes!

 

 

We get married and start trying pretty quickly after the wedding. The first 6 months are fun, exciting and we are very optimistic. In 2018 I started school to become a midwife, and it's poor timing, but we continue trying anyway. The heart wants what the heart wants. After about a year or so has passed without luck, we seek help from a reproductive endocrinologist. Luckily Matt passes with flying colors, but I have one tube blocked. I accept this information without much-lost hope because I have one tube open, and my labs are perfect. The doctor is optimistic and says to keep trying. As another year passed without success, we agreed to take an 8-month break for my mental health. This also allowed me time to focus on school and being on call 24/7. I start to see a new doctor, and she suggests looking at my uterus with a camera to see what's going on. She finds my uterus is 30% covered with polyps and removes them. With that news, I felt relieved and joyful because I was thinking, "this is it, this has been in our way this whole time!". So for a few months, we are finally happy about trying to conceive again.

Matt and I celebrated 10 incredible years together in August, and I graduated from midwifery school after 3 long years. So we decided to book a trip to Boston for a week to relax, celebrate and have fun! It just so happened I was fertile and ovulating that week in Boston, so we were going to try once again! We were thinking, "this is it; this is definitely going to be our month!" I mean, after all, I can't tell you how many countless times I got unsolicited advice from strangers, family, and friends to "just stop trying" "It'll happen when you stop trying." After returning from our trip, I was 3 days late for my period. I always try telling myself, "it's not my month; you're just late for some other reason" to calm myself down and prepare for the inevitable negative test. But I did not prepare myself mentally for that period to come, and it felt like I was hit by a bus. I seem to be strong and tough on the exterior, but I am not as tough as I look. I called out of work that night because it was hard to even be around people. I cannot convey the amount of sadness and emptiness infertility makes you feel; it's unlike anything I've ever felt.

 

 

 

After I had time to process and pick myself up as best as possible, I made an appointment with a new doctor. I was prepared for the worst. They scheduled a repeat HSG to look at my tubes again since 2 years had passed. I laid on that table and thought it would look the same, that I would look at the screen and see the only hope I had left; that single open tube. But that's not what I saw. Being a midwife, I know what I'm supposed to be looking at, and it looked like a uterus, but I was confused, and it didn't hit me till a few moments later when the young doctor looked at me and said, "I'm so sorry honey, both tubes are blocked." I was looking at the saddest uterus, and all my hopes of conceiving had left my body. So I did what I do best in front of people, put on my tough exterior, and shove my feelings down as if it doesn't affect me. After the doctor saw that both tubes were blocked, he requested labs be redone to see my egg quality. The bad news was that I had low ovarian reserve. With that, the decision was made to skip surgery to open my tubes and move to IVF. Unfortunately, the dr did not have high hope for the success of surgery to open my tubes, hormones, and trying IUI. Because my family has endometriosis, it's more than likely the endo blocking my tubes, making IVF the only option for Matt and me.

 

 

Matt and i both work in the community, him being a deputy and me a new midwife, we do not make nearly enough money to be able to afford this treatment. Asking for support from friends and family is our only option and would mean the world to us. If you know my husband well enough you'd know he would never ask for help. So this is very hard for both of us to put aside our pride and get support from others. We are aiming for June to have the funds and be able to do our first and hopefully only round of IVF. If you send us anything, just know that you're helping make a dream come true. Please help us make Baby Baker possible!