My cousin raped me.

Hello my name is Ana Barrera

In 2018 I was raped. Then a month later my rapist died I wasn’t able to grief or process anything that happened to me it all felt like my fault & it still does. because it was a family member it made it even more confusing. I know it’s not my fault but feeling & knowing are unfortunately two different things. I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone so I didn’t.

In 2020 I got my first apartment and had a peeping Tom it scared me so bad I couldn’t shower or sleep I had a kitchen knife in my hand at all times (like that was gonna do anything)

In 2020 when COVID hit I felt so alone I moved into an apartment by myself in a state I knew no one in

In 2020 is when I realized my mental health needs a lot of attention and is not ok but I didn’t know how or what to do so again I ignored it but I started working less

In 2021 I moved to Chicago & lived in a high rise apartment. after a couple months I couldn’t afford rent because I quit my job to focus on my mental health I was paying for my apartment with credit cards & I did that until my lease was up after that I had no where to go I moved in with a guy I met on tinder & slept on his couch for a couple months

I didn’t tell anyone about the rape until 2022 I told my brother when I moved in with him

In 2022 I went to my first psych ward I was there for a week that’s when the nurse told my mom what happened to me without my permission

In 2021 I had my first suicide attempt, first abortion & it was the first year I started cutting myself. It was also the first year I tried starting therapy

In 2023 I went to my second psych ward I was living in the Grand Canyon at the time it felt so isolating I was in the hospital for a month this time

In 2023 I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety, depression, ocd, & BPD (borderline personality disorder)

In 2023 I started working at goodwill and met the love of my life

In 2023 I went to my third psych ward

In 2024 we are taking loans out to eat

In 2024 the car got taken away because I need my boyfriend to stay home with me until I get better

In 2024 the postpartum hurts so bad

In 2024 I gave birth to Oakey Olive on April 16th 2024

In 2024 I went to my third psych ward & tried to get started with therapy & medication again I was 7 months pregnant at the time

In 2023 I mixed all my pills and swallowed them I woke up with throw up all over me I texted my mom to come get me from the Grand Canyon

This week I started my medications again but all therapist are fully booked so it’s still a process

Today I am in so much debt I can’t even think

Hopefully with telling my story I can help someone else even if that someone is Oakey

Thank you for taking the time to read this

I’m sorry I let it get so bad I let the fear overcome me.