My recovery - starting again at 45

Hey guys. You all know me. You know my background, my education, my family, my travels, my seeminly perfect yet flawed existance.

2 years ago almost to the day, everything I knew and loved was ripped from me. I won't go into detail, but I will say there was a constant deterioration in my mental health, after all the moving, giving up everything for my children and my husband. When things got bad, they got really bad. In the last years, I have been arrested several times, spent many days in hospital, tried to drink myself to death and in and out of rehab, for the most part in but some out relapsing. I lost my faith in God and wondered why he would do this to me. No matter how bad things got, many many times , he always sent me angels that pulled me back up and kept me wanting to fight for my life and the things that matter to me thr most. My happiness, and my children and dogs.

Addiction is a bitch. A lot pf people think going to rehab, you come out cured. I can honestlly say, you don't. You learn the tools to cope with real life, but the addiction never goes away. It is a disease that will kill you. Alcohol is the worst drug of all because it'ss legal, it's socially acceptable, and it's available EVERYWHERE.

I often asked God, why me? Why am I cursed with this horrid disease? It robs you of your life, it ruins relationships, it takes your money, it gets you in trouble and it ruins your health.

I'm blessed to have peole believe in me, in my strength, my kindness and willingness to always help others and put them before myself.

At almost 45 years of age, I've finally realised this is my time to shine. It's my time to use my God given hope, love and peace to first fix myself, then restore my relattionship wiith my children. After 10 years of never spending a single day apart from them, it was 2 years of shame, regret and disappointment in myyself to have let them down and only see them occasionally for a few hours a month

It's time to reboot.

I have worked so hard to piece the brokenness back together and I will get there, one thing one day at a time. With a little help from the angels God has surrounded me with, I now have a place I can call home. It's modest, it's simple, but it's me. I don't need much

to survive, but I do need a few things to help me get to where I want to be.

After losing my licence for the 2 years, I am applying to get it back so I can buy a car and get to and from the children and spend more time with them during the week and weekends. Our divorce is almost final and despitte that I will always be grateful that the boys have a wonderful father that has looked after them and kept them safe while I was unable to. My court case will be over this month and hopefully with the new found sober me, things can only get better. A friend said to me yesterday,

"Today is better than yesterday, but not as good as tomorrow."

I will always be an alcoholic, but it's the choices I make and how I deal with the problems face on rather than hide behind the bottle, that is what will determine the future of my life and my family.

I am truly sorry if I have offended anyone or cut you off for the last 2 years. I hope you will help me get my life back. I have the right supports in place and allI hear from the wonderful people I'm meeting is that I am strong. What is success? Well I measure it by the fact that the more I fall, the more I pick myself up. That is true strength and I'm actually starting to believe it.

There is a reason why I'm still alive, why I've been through everything I've been through. Living out of a bag on the streets, never knowing where I'm going to sleep that night, getting beaten up, waking up in hospital or jail not knowing or remembering what happened the night before. It was the worst time of my life, but it was also the best because I learnt my true values, my true capabilities and my faith in God. I was put on this earth for a reason, I just haven't figured it out yet. I have numerous health problems now, an aneurism on my aorta, the discs and spin of a 70 year old, anxiety, stress, possibly cervica cancer. We'l see, only time will tell and the best way to squash negative thoughts is to learn from the past, live for today and focus on the greatness that is to come in the future. And if you know me, you'l l know that goddammit when I put my mind to something I'll give it my all and more. There are only great things to come and one day soon you will read about it in a book I'm writing.

I'm telling you my story because right now, I need a littlle bit of help. I never ask for help but I've really learnt that that there is never any harm in askimg. The worst that cam happen is you'll scrolll past this post or say no.

All I'm asking for is a dmall donation towards buying A CAR so I can spend more time with my beautiful boys Cameron Jasper and Bassi.

If you've made it to the emd of this, I thank you for taking the time. Donate or not, that's entirely up to you, but I really am happy to be surrounded by such good friends and hope that the stronger I get, the more we can reconnect.

I love you all in my own way and I thank you so much for listening.

Step out of the darkness and into the light. God never gives us anything we can't handle.

The biggest hugs and love, hope and peace to you.

Just me,

Alison