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On July 2,2020 my entire family's lives were changed forever. What was once known as one of our favorite months of the year, became our most devastating. We labeled it our favorite because the 17th is our oldest son's (of 4) birthday, the 18th is our youngest son's birthday and the 21st was my husband's.
On June 29, 2020 after spending another family and fun filled day still quarantined with our youngest boys my husband and I got ready for bed, kissed each other good-night followed by our routine I Love You's. Minutes later I found myself on speaker phone with a 911 dispatcher while performing chest compressions on my husband begging God not to take him from me yet and begging my husband to, "stay with me Honey!" God had a different plan for him and my husband made his transition on July 2nd, leaving me with our two adult sons, our two minor sons and our two granddaughters.
Now I've been told by many how strong of a woman, mother, grandmother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and teacher I am. However, when I stood next to my husband's bed reading him a "I want you to get better and come home Dad" letter from our now 11 yr. old son and fighting having to say" Good-Bye" to him forever! Every piece of strength that was claimed to be mine I felt fall off of me and hit the floor beside his bed. When I lost my husband I lost the father of all my boys, my high school sweetheart, the holder of all my fears, dreams and secrets but, most importantly I lost my "Best Friend". The person I had planned to grow old with. My alleged strength I feel was lost as well.
My husband and I described what became our final times together as the time when we were finally beginning to live our best lives together. A month before he passed he had been furloughed from his job of three years as a breakfast bar attendant at a local hotel. Being the very optimistic person he was, always searching for the good in people and situations, simply said that God has something else planned for him and looked forward to it. I was already home due to the temporary closing of my job so we were all together, him, our two youngest sons and myself. Then on June 1st when I was set to return to work I was relieved of my services as a pre-school teacher of 20 years. Ten of them spent at my now ex job due to the Covid-19 Pandemic. I was immediately torn and went into an instant state of shock and disbelief. My husband, "Mr. Optimistic" said to me" I know this is a big loss for you Boo so grieve and then get yourself together because I know God has a plan in store for you as well." Although it was hard to hear, knowing what a spiritual and faith-based person my husband was, I said "OK!"
We were put in this unfortunate situation where we were able to spend so much time together and we were beyond HAPPY! We had gotten over our hurtles in our marriage and were more in sync as a couple and as parents. We looked forward to a fresh, fun and family-filled future together. It was time to start making our individual and family dreams come true. Purchasing our first home ever together was at the top of our list.
Little did I know that the plan God had for us did not include my husband! As much as his absence hurts. I know and believe he is in a place where there is so sickness (his heart is healed) and his mental illness does not plague him anymore. That gives me volumes of PEACE!
My daily concern now is how to continue living and provide the things my husband and I planned for our family. Our day-to-day living and future expenses are thoughts that consume my mind daily along with the flooding thoughts and memories of my husband. Our now 9 yr. old son asked me one day if we would still be able to get our home now that Dad is not here? What I wanted to say to him was that I didn't know but, with my husband's optimism I told him, YES! My husband and I never told our children we were going to do something unless we knew for certain it was going to happen. I didn't need to share with my son that right now I just want to be able to pay our rent let alone a mortgage. On top of recently helping out our oldest son and his young family by welcoming our two granddaughters (ages 2 and 1) in our home to care for them while their parents get back on their feet. I was filled with this undeniable truth that just because my husband and their Dad was gone, our dreams were still here, living on within us and that they would come true one day! We will have our own home, they will still have the opportunity to both receive college educations, I will be able to finish my elementary education degree and my husband will very much be a part of all of it because in our hearts he will always live and be carried with us wherever we go.
I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY TO SHARE THAT I RECEIVED A LETTER DATED EXACTLY THE ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF MY HUSBAND'S PASSING. THE LETTER STATED THAT BECAUSE I CHOSE TO ALLOW MY HUSBAND TO BE A DONOR HE HAD SAVED THE LIFE OF A MAN ALLOWING HIM TO CONTINUE BEING A HUSBAND AND FATHER TO HIS ONLY CHILD. THE MAN SHARED WITH ME THAT HE HAD AT MOST ABOUT 3 MORE MONTHS TO LIVE WITHOUT A DONOR. AS I READ THIS ANGELIC PIECE OF NEWS I BEGAN TO SHAKE AND I KNEW THAT IN GOD'S UNIQUE WAY PART OF MY HUSBAND STILL LIVED ON AND TEARS OF JOY BEGAN TO SOAK THE LETTER. WHAT A BLESSING FOR THAT MAN'S FAMILY AND MINE AS WELL. MY HUSBAND WAS A "GIVER" AND "SERVER"! HE ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE. HE DID IT WHILE IN THE MILITARY (MARINE CORPS.), AND AS A CIVILIAN. HE KNEW NEED, UNDERSTOOD AND LIVED IT AND WHENEVER HE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO OR THE ABILITY TO CREATE IT, HE HELPED PEOPLE! I'VE TOLD PEOPLE THAT IN HIS WALLET HE KEPT A CERTAIN SECTION IN IT WITH BILLS FOLDED TO GIVE TO THAT PERSON THAT ASKED HIM FOR MONEY FOR A MEAL ETC. OR HE WOULD OFFER MOST TIMES UNASKED! AFTER HE PASSED I FOUND SOME BILLS IN THAT SECTION OF HIS WALLET AND NO NEED TO SAY WHAT I DID WITH THEM.
EVEN IN HIS PASSING MY HUSBAND WAS STILL ABLE TO DO WHAT HE LOVED AND THAT WAS TO BE A GOOD STEWARD TO GOD AND HELP FAMILY WETHER IT WAS HIS IMMEDIATE ONE OR NOT.
I understand that this is a very hard time for our country right now so my boys, grand daughters and I graciously appreciate and accept any and all blessings we receive. Thank You and God Bless!
(Please excuse the positioning of our family photo, it's pretty indicative of how our family is right now!)
On June 29, 2020 after spending another family and fun filled day still quarantined with our youngest boys my husband and I got ready for bed, kissed each other good-night followed by our routine I Love You's. Minutes later I found myself on speaker phone with a 911 dispatcher while performing chest compressions on my husband begging God not to take him from me yet and begging my husband to, "stay with me Honey!" God had a different plan for him and my husband made his transition on July 2nd, leaving me with our two adult sons, our two minor sons and our two granddaughters.
Now I've been told by many how strong of a woman, mother, grandmother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and teacher I am. However, when I stood next to my husband's bed reading him a "I want you to get better and come home Dad" letter from our now 11 yr. old son and fighting having to say" Good-Bye" to him forever! Every piece of strength that was claimed to be mine I felt fall off of me and hit the floor beside his bed. When I lost my husband I lost the father of all my boys, my high school sweetheart, the holder of all my fears, dreams and secrets but, most importantly I lost my "Best Friend". The person I had planned to grow old with. My alleged strength I feel was lost as well.
My husband and I described what became our final times together as the time when we were finally beginning to live our best lives together. A month before he passed he had been furloughed from his job of three years as a breakfast bar attendant at a local hotel. Being the very optimistic person he was, always searching for the good in people and situations, simply said that God has something else planned for him and looked forward to it. I was already home due to the temporary closing of my job so we were all together, him, our two youngest sons and myself. Then on June 1st when I was set to return to work I was relieved of my services as a pre-school teacher of 20 years. Ten of them spent at my now ex job due to the Covid-19 Pandemic. I was immediately torn and went into an instant state of shock and disbelief. My husband, "Mr. Optimistic" said to me" I know this is a big loss for you Boo so grieve and then get yourself together because I know God has a plan in store for you as well." Although it was hard to hear, knowing what a spiritual and faith-based person my husband was, I said "OK!"
We were put in this unfortunate situation where we were able to spend so much time together and we were beyond HAPPY! We had gotten over our hurtles in our marriage and were more in sync as a couple and as parents. We looked forward to a fresh, fun and family-filled future together. It was time to start making our individual and family dreams come true. Purchasing our first home ever together was at the top of our list.
Little did I know that the plan God had for us did not include my husband! As much as his absence hurts. I know and believe he is in a place where there is so sickness (his heart is healed) and his mental illness does not plague him anymore. That gives me volumes of PEACE!
My daily concern now is how to continue living and provide the things my husband and I planned for our family. Our day-to-day living and future expenses are thoughts that consume my mind daily along with the flooding thoughts and memories of my husband. Our now 9 yr. old son asked me one day if we would still be able to get our home now that Dad is not here? What I wanted to say to him was that I didn't know but, with my husband's optimism I told him, YES! My husband and I never told our children we were going to do something unless we knew for certain it was going to happen. I didn't need to share with my son that right now I just want to be able to pay our rent let alone a mortgage. On top of recently helping out our oldest son and his young family by welcoming our two granddaughters (ages 2 and 1) in our home to care for them while their parents get back on their feet. I was filled with this undeniable truth that just because my husband and their Dad was gone, our dreams were still here, living on within us and that they would come true one day! We will have our own home, they will still have the opportunity to both receive college educations, I will be able to finish my elementary education degree and my husband will very much be a part of all of it because in our hearts he will always live and be carried with us wherever we go.
I AM EXTREMELY HAPPY TO SHARE THAT I RECEIVED A LETTER DATED EXACTLY THE ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY OF MY HUSBAND'S PASSING. THE LETTER STATED THAT BECAUSE I CHOSE TO ALLOW MY HUSBAND TO BE A DONOR HE HAD SAVED THE LIFE OF A MAN ALLOWING HIM TO CONTINUE BEING A HUSBAND AND FATHER TO HIS ONLY CHILD. THE MAN SHARED WITH ME THAT HE HAD AT MOST ABOUT 3 MORE MONTHS TO LIVE WITHOUT A DONOR. AS I READ THIS ANGELIC PIECE OF NEWS I BEGAN TO SHAKE AND I KNEW THAT IN GOD'S UNIQUE WAY PART OF MY HUSBAND STILL LIVED ON AND TEARS OF JOY BEGAN TO SOAK THE LETTER. WHAT A BLESSING FOR THAT MAN'S FAMILY AND MINE AS WELL. MY HUSBAND WAS A "GIVER" AND "SERVER"! HE ALWAYS WANTED TO HELP PEOPLE. HE DID IT WHILE IN THE MILITARY (MARINE CORPS.), AND AS A CIVILIAN. HE KNEW NEED, UNDERSTOOD AND LIVED IT AND WHENEVER HE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO OR THE ABILITY TO CREATE IT, HE HELPED PEOPLE! I'VE TOLD PEOPLE THAT IN HIS WALLET HE KEPT A CERTAIN SECTION IN IT WITH BILLS FOLDED TO GIVE TO THAT PERSON THAT ASKED HIM FOR MONEY FOR A MEAL ETC. OR HE WOULD OFFER MOST TIMES UNASKED! AFTER HE PASSED I FOUND SOME BILLS IN THAT SECTION OF HIS WALLET AND NO NEED TO SAY WHAT I DID WITH THEM.
EVEN IN HIS PASSING MY HUSBAND WAS STILL ABLE TO DO WHAT HE LOVED AND THAT WAS TO BE A GOOD STEWARD TO GOD AND HELP FAMILY WETHER IT WAS HIS IMMEDIATE ONE OR NOT.
I understand that this is a very hard time for our country right now so my boys, grand daughters and I graciously appreciate and accept any and all blessings we receive. Thank You and God Bless!
(Please excuse the positioning of our family photo, it's pretty indicative of how our family is right now!)
Organizer
Lakisha Smith-Shields
Organizer
Durham, NC