Just a dad trying to make it right!

Richard M Chappius Jr is organizing this fundraiser.

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Kisses for the amazing Miles from sissy!

Happier times!

To
Anyone that will take the time to read

It took months to finally swallow my pride and admit I needed to reach out for help. The hardest part was actually admiting most of what am about to express. I feel embarrassed and extremely vulnerable now that the world will know my failures and past troubles. But as a father, husband and provider I am supposed to be able to take care of my family. I am just glad my kids are still to young to actually realize I have failed them. They look up to me, but as I look back down I just want to cry. Our family is made up of 6 with 1 on the way. Me, my wife, my daughter, my step son, our 2 sons we have together and in May our 3rd son.

To be closer to my job I live a few towns away with a friend. My wife lives with her father. As you can imagine it takes a toll on us and the kids. She was laid off of her job last year but then was denied unemployment because her previous job said she voluntarily left. So our only income is my job where I work with special needs adults in different group homes. Its a rewarding job but sadly the pay isn't.

Last Spring my truck died on me so I was forced to buy a used 1999 Dodge Caravan with over 200k Miles off a friend who believed it would last for a year or so. He sold it to me pretty cheap so I was grateful. I've put close to $2,000 in it since and now it needs another $1,500 to get back on the road. So we are forced to share her car which leaves 1 of us without. Many times if she needs the car, I will ride my bike from 1 town to the other at night in sometimes not the most ideal weather. But I can't miss a night so what needs to be done gets done. When they can my fellow co workers have given me rides which I appreciated greatly.

My wife has applied to different jobs but not many places are chomping at the bit to hire a expectant mother. So even with the overtime I put in, we are in debt and it's growing. Before the baby gets here I would like to have a place of our own where we can all be together. But more importantly I would like to be able to help her with the kids in a place of our own.

I have stayed with a friend who is pretty much the definiton of what a true friend is for the past year. Unfortunately there is no where for a baby to sleep and on top of that I need to be out in roughly 2 weeks.1/17 Because of reasons out of my control I am unable to stay where my wife stays. So my next option is to not get a new vehicle but to simply fix my van. A van is perfect for all the kids and I can also take out the 2nd row seats to put my son Miles in with his wheelchair when we transport him. Right now we have to leave his chair behind and it's uncomfortable for him where ever we take him. If i can get the van back on the road it can double as a place for me to stay again as well. I have spent many different weeks and months sleeping in my SUV's and other van I had so its no big deal. My kids have a place to stay and thats all I really care about for now.

A big part of why things are the way they are now is something I actually denied and battled forway to long. For 23 years I battled depression and suicidal thoughts as well as a few scary incidents that I put my loved ones through. I could have won an Oscar with how I was able to hide my pain through HS, some college and most of my adult life. I would be the life of a party on the outside but inside I would be lonelier then ever in a room room of people. I guess my foolish pride kept me from talking about it. I would tell myself dont tell anyone, it will make you look weak or less of a man. In reality not telling anyone did more damage then I could have ever imagined. But a lone bright spot was the fact that I finally went to see a therapist on a regular basis. That combined with the support groups I joined I was able to pinpoint the origin of my demons and finally work on overcoming them. I am not %100 but I am definitely in a better place then years past.

Sadly over my life I have lost many close friends including 1 as recently as last year and the 1 that hit me the hardest was my hero, my grandfather 7 years ago. In my life I was always the friend that everyone would ask to borrow money from and without hesitation I would give what I could. My father taught me thats a good way to make your friends disappear. I learned the hard way because most of them so called best friends are no where to be found now.

For anyone deaing with depresion you know there is usually a bunch of definng moments but always one that triggers eveything. For me it was the birth of my son Miles 8 years ago that sent everything into a mental downward spiral. I asked so many times why God? Why our son? Why my little boy? I couldn't even look at other fathers playing with their sons or hear them laughing and talking. Because my little buddy would never be able to do any of that so I would step away because I knew I woud breakdown and cry. He was born with a severe case of Spina Bifida and won't even live a full life. There's nothing me or his mother can do to change that. And thats what probably affected me the most, having a child go through so much and all you feel is helpless. Lucky for him he has an incredible mommy who has been nothing short of amazing with taking care of things and him since birth.

To this day I stlll wake up in a cold sweat, tears running down my cheek because I had a dream he had passed away. I have given his Eulogy in my dreams so many times I can probably say it word for word. My biggest fear is losing 1 of my kids, with him its not if but when and that slowly kills me from within. So with my past demons coming to the surface and all this building up. My life was headed for some bad days, as a result I lost many things since he was born. I am handling things a lot better now but the fear of him leaving us is always present. If it wasnt for my now wife holding us down during those years, I can honestly say I wouldnt be here right now.

To say things haven't been great for some time now would be a understatement as I have stated but over the course of the last year or so things took a turn for the worse. We had to give up our family dogs and cat which understandly was heart breaking for us and especially my daughter because the oldest dog was a Christmas present 5 years ago. I have sold most of my valuable personal belongings to pay for bills and for food. I was in a car accident last fall due to exhausting and what the doctors could only explain as basically my body shutting down. The car was eventually repossessed. After my wife loss her job, I was let go at my side job doing construction for extra money. As one would imagine the financial woes and time living apart has taken a toll on our marriage. I have never been one to ever reach out for help but as a father who just wants to make his family proud o f him. I am willing to at least ask try and hope for the best.

Before all of this my goal was to open up a gym designed for special needs individuals and ex military with various amputations and mental issues. I will call it Miles of Fun, a tribute to my son Miles who against all odds is now 8. Through all the surgeries, procedures and almost losing him quite a few times he still smiles. He is my inspiration and movitation to keep fighing and to never give up. So for now I just want to make my family whole again and have us all in the same place.

To anyone out there who is battling depression, having suicidal thoughts, fighting addiction of any kind and to anyone who is dealing with bullying. Please feel free to hit me up, I can't do much but what I can do is be there for you. You can vent to me, tell me whats going on in your life or I can just simply be there for you. If no one else will listen to you, please remember I will. From experience I know how lonely life can be sometimes but as long as i am breathing you have someone out there who will at least listen, I am not a doctor or anything but I will do my best. I am putting together what I will describe as a book about my life and a detailed description of what I have endured but also overcame. Most of the profits will go to various charities and my goal is to help other people battling depression and addiction know they aren't alone. I know it wont be the first of its kind, but maybe it'll help 1 lost soul out there and save their life. If I can do that, I have succeeded.

The money you may donate will go to fixing my van, security and first months rent at a apt, the first few months of rent until my wife is able to get back to work and regualr expenses with having a newborn baby. If anyone is looking for a full time certified massage therapist with over 10 years of experience, I would love to get back into the field so feel free to hit me up and maybe I can be your next massage therapist.

I thank you in advance for whatever you are able to donate. It means a lot to me and my little family. If you are in the same boat as me and can not donate, I of all people totally understand. But please share and maybe someone you know can.

To "E", Vandol, German, Rick, Kev, Marisol. Steve, Joel and Ed. Rest in Heaven

Sincerely,
A father who isn't used to expecting much but is praying for a miracle.