Help Zenzi & Carrot Heal in Safety

This is UPDATED: I will be leaving the old version up though for those who are interested.

I’m going to do my best to keep this section simple and short.

TL;DR: I need to move out of where I am currently living, my cat needs a 1k+ medical procedure, and then I need to move out of this country for obvious reasons. I need to leave not only because it’s a toxic environment but also because I have horrible neighbors and live in one of the top 3 most dangerous cities in New England (I saw a shooting right outside my window). My neighbors have 7 children and a ton of noise complaints against them. Landlord has said she’s been working on evicting them because they make the apartment shake and have caused destruction to the property.

The reason I cannot currently leave on my own is because I am disabled which makes working 9-5 jobs extremely hard to do without putting my health at risk. I am a Full Time Artist and a Financial Educator. My educator job is commission based but most of my work is pro-bono. I make just enough to pay my bills. My scholarship to NEU was taken away from me by the Trump administration a year before graduation which is also why I cannot get a fancy WFH job with benefits. Leaving the toxic place where I currently reside is my first priority, besides Carrot’s (my cat) medical procedure, because my mental and physical health will worsen the longer I stay. I am already chronically ill and disabled (please read more about this in the original post below). I cannot physically nor financially afford my health to decline (not that anyone really can). I am an artist who wants the opportunity to heal and create in peace.

Straight to it:

My mother is White and a LEO.

My father is Black, an immigrant (a legal citizen for over 40 years, no record), and a TAURUS.

I am a Capricorn for those who care about astrology. If you don’t you can just ignore it :)

FULL DETAIL: TW: SA, parental/family trauma, racism, assault

Typing this out feels like I’m telling on myself somehow. Like I’m telling a secret I wasn’t supposed to share. I admit I’m scared to post this but I’m doing it anyway.

My upbringing wasn’t the best. I will spare you the details and instead I’ll just explain what happened recently that left me more numb than any of the abuse I went through. It will also fill in some gaps anyways.

I had a fight with my parents over their inability to let me handle something I said I would handle which led to me being triggered and having a panic attack. I’m immunocompromised, have germophobia, and OCD. I handle anyone coming into the house. I give them masks, direct them where they need to go, make sure Carrot is locked in my room (he gets really stressed out when there are people he doesn’t know in the apartment), then disinfect when they leave.

We needed an electrician to work on an outlet. I specifically said I would handle this situation especially because my mother didn’t want to, I witnessed the outlet explode (lol), and my father sleeps during the day since he works overnights. Long story short the man didn’t end up coming when he was supposed to so we rescheduled it for the next day. I told my parents to wake me up when they find out when he will be here. They didn’t. Instead I woke up to a strange man’s voice right outside my door. I have severe CPTSD when it comes to men in my home - both my parents knew this. I told my dad this terrified me and he laughed while he asked “is that why you’re shaking”. I overheard this man tell my father that he and his whole family were sick. He’s sniffling and coughing. I start having my meltdown very quietly to myself, frantically looking for Carrot. Found carrot, got back to my room, the man left, but I’m still panicking. During this panic attack (which was triggered by PTSD and germaphobia), my father barged into my room which pushed me back. We exchanged loud words, which ended with him telling me I needed to move out. I kicked him out of my room and continued to cry/panic because honestly he just let all the germs in my room and invaded my space + scared me. Maybe 2 minutes later my mother comes around the corner yelling and barges into my room, pushing me with the door just like my father had done. I kicked her out of my room as well, in the same way I kicked my father out which was by trying to shove them out the door and trying to shut the door. In doing so her hand got caught in the door and her finger got messed up.

They both told me to leave but I was eventually told it was okay to come back. Dad wants to kick me out. Mother said he’s not allowed to say things like that to me. I’ve been trying to leave since I was 18 but being disabled, traumatized, and actively abused makes that impossible when you add on college and trying to survive.

Anyways. I’m now going to spare some details. Hours later she comes back from the hospital. Her and I have a bigger argument that started with her saying, “yea? If I didn’t love you then you’d be in jail right now! You’re lucky I lied to them at the hospital about what happened! I could’ve had you arrested!” - it’s not a direct quote, please forgive me, but that’s essentially what she said to me. It ended with her apologizing. Apologizing for saying that to me but also for a lot of things. I do not have it in me to type everything out again so I will copy and paste an edited text message I sent to my friend about what was said during that conversation:

“My mom was just walking around the apartment crying so I went to talk to her and we had a long conversation that basically ended with her admitting she was a bad parent. She did most things out of fear/DIDNT do some things (like protect me from her family and my dad) out of fear, she didn’t leave my dad when he was being absent when I was a baby and maybe if she did then he wouldn’t have abused me. She admitted that I didn’t have a childhood. She even told me she didn’t have a childhood either because her mother used her as her therapist (and still does) but never went to her siblings the same way at all. She admitted that she unknowingly did the same exact thing to me. She admitted she protected my sibling by not telling them anything. They didn’t even know I put myself 26k in debt to save our house. She said she was so sorry for not protecting me against her own family for sexual assault and racist comments/treatment.

She admitted that she understands why my memory is the way it is and she apologized for trying to use it against me. I listed hEDS/Brain Fog, AuADHD, C-PTSD, etc. and she agreed to all of it that’s why my memory is trash. I said this through tears because I’m trying to talk to her about why I have C-PTSD (first from her and her family)!!! Nevermind the genetic reasons why my memory is trash..

I may have a shit memory but I DO remember core moments in my life when I was traumatized and or heartbroken/betrayed or physically assaulted—

She said she was sorry for not protecting me when I was a kid from my father’s abuse - she was scared then too of losing me and being alone.

Apparently I told her that if she ever left dad that I would never see her again and she didn’t want to lose me. I said when did I say that?! She said “when you were 4 or 5” DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF MOTHER…when he was hitting me??? When he was actively abusing me?! Come on!! I didn’t know a damn thing!! I was scared! And being abused wtf

She said and sobbed that she was so sorry

I mean. She admitted everything and ended it with “i appreciate you talking to me and clarifying things. I feel like you’re parenting me right now I’m sorry but I also appreciate it.”

To which I said “I’ve been parenting you since I was a kid. That’s why I don’t want kids.. it’s because I-“

She cut me off to say “already have kids.” And I said yes I have 2. My parents. I also raised my brother and she said “yea …I worked late or went out and dad worked late and also just wasn’t home”

great to be validated. I’m broken. and still here though but my god” - end of text message

There’s so many things I could say but honestly this is all I have in me to share. It explains a LOT about why I need to leave here immediately. She has said other horrible things, including that she wished she never had me. My dad isn’t the easiest either but for the most part he leaves me alone.

I need to leave immediately. I need to heal. My parents don’t respect my boundaries, me, or my things. My mom constantly feeds my cat things he’s not supposed to eat, she lets him outside when I’ve asked her not to, etc. - it sounds so small but genuinely he’s my son. He’s also got an autoimmune system issue so I cannot keep track of his health and his issues if she’s doing things and feeding him things when he’s not supposed to be fed AHG it’s just a lot. There’s a lot here and there’s a lot more I could say but it’s too much to write 29 years worth of neglect and abuse. This was already hard enough to write.

I want nothing more than to leave this place, start my brand up again (fully funded this time), share my creations with you all, and HEAL! I just want to move out and create beautiful art. I want to discover who I am when I’m not in survival mode. I want to be raw, weird, honest, and vulnerable. Please help me reach my goals.

As always, if you have any extra to spare please donate to my friend Ayman’s GoFundMe so he can leave Palestine!

https://gofund.me/3292c30d

Original__________________________________

Hi I’m Zenzi (they/them). I’m 29, Black, Gay, disabled* and Gender Queer. I am a Full Time Artist and Financial Educator. I attended Northeastern University and would have graduated with a BS in Business and a Minor in Sociology but NEU took away my scholarship the year before I was to graduate (some bullshit about making too much money during the pandemic. AKA: stimulus checks). I’m a cat parent (my son’s name is Carrot). I love anime, nature, animals, creating art the color purple, laughing with my friends, spreading love, being warm, and feeling free. I was born and raised in the United States. This place is all I’ve known. I unfortunately haven’t had the opportunity to leave it yet but I fear I no longer have a choice but to leave immediately. I am so scared.

If you have access to the internet then you are well aware of what is going on here. I do not wish to type it out here. I feel crazy because half the people in the life are well aware of what’s going on, they too see the signs, and they too are terrified. The other half though? People like my parents? They don’t think anything of it. They understand it’s bad but they do not think it’s that bad!! Which is mind boggling because my father is an immigrant. He feels safe because he’s legal. My mother feels safe because she’s white.

But me? I have a uterus that I have been trying to remove due to PCOS/Endo. I have been rejected 5 times for being too young, “who knows you might change your mind about being gay”, “well you don’t have a husband yet so don’t make any decisions” - this country is straight ass.

*I am disabled. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS), AuADHD, C-PTSD, PCOS/Endo, immunocompromised, and all the other comorbidities that come with hEDS. I got Covid once last year (2024) - and have not been the same since. I cannot afford to get sick here in the US again - that but I also cannot afford to get sick again. Period.

Right now I know I need to get out immediately. I have been advised to make a GFM for myself for some time now. I have just been scared. I have the beginning of some plans written down but I will be 1000% honest with you - it is hard to plan for anything when I do not have money to plan with. Once I am able to get the money I need to get things rolling then it will be way easier to plan.

Leaving the country is the very last step. There are many things that need to be done before hand. I would LOVE to legally change my name before I leave but with the way the government is acting right now, I am afraid to give them my passport as I fear they will not give it back to me.

Before I can even think about leaving the US there are things I need to do to make sure that I can!

The money donated to me right now will be put toward the following things:

- Carrot needs around $1,000 medical procedure before his vet will give him a medical travel clearance certificate which is required by some of the countries I am looking into.

- Visa application fees (I have looked into some of these. Some of these application fees are $500+)

- Getting myself and my cat son legally all set to travel and move out of the US. (Vaccines, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, application fees/visas, medical appointments for both of us (my cat son also has a compromised immune system), meds, etc.

- Eventually then housing where I am approved to move to!!

- Finally leaving the one country, place, and home I’ve ever known. Leaving the US.

If you choose to help me then this page will be updated as well as emails sent to the donors with what Carrot and I have been able to accomplish!!

Thank you to everyone in advance! It feels strange making a GoFundMe for myself especially to leave my own country because I’m unsafe ..it’s surreal. If you have the kindness in your heart (and extra dollars) please consider donating to my friend Ayman and Kareman in the g-strip.

https://gofund.me/3292c30d