Help Us Survive Domestic Violence
My story is a story about a young girl and a young boy who had the biggest crushes on each other from age 3 all the way through adulthood. We both came from single mother households in one of the worst neighborhoods in the bronx and vowed that we would do better for our lives and ultimately our children for whom we greatly wanted to raise in a dual parent household. Unfortunately what began as what could have been a wonderful love story going all the way back to childhood spiralled into what is now my living nightmare of domestic violence with someone who is not just the father of my son but someone who used to be my bestfriend.
What Happened: Since we wanted nothing more than to build a family we were thrilled when we conceived on second cycle attempt. I spent countless hours planning what I thought was the perfect nursery. Since my parents are deceased, leaving no one to throw a baby shower for me we decided instead of spending our cash on shower we put everything into getting everything we needed for the baby, including his very on nursery since neither one of us had the luxory of having our own room growing up. I cant tell you how much fun we had researching the best baby items...from reading reviews on TheBump.com to frequent visits to Baby Boutiques to test drive strollers, cribs, playpens, walkers and all the things you need to bring home a new baby. The final icing on my baby bump cake came when my ex and now defendant in our criminal DV case surprised me with the stroller of my dreams while I was still 7 months pregnant for my 33rd birthday. We remained in a state of euphoria even surviving an emergency C-Section due to an aging placenta with high spirits. Sadly I noticed the first sign of my happy home and family began to slip away on the ride home from the hospital. My ex flew into a full on rage, not just a road rage, but he began to literally freak the "you know what" out on people on the road if he thought they were coming anywhere near our car. I sat in the back and tried to focus on my new perfect bundle of joy and couldnt wait to show him the home we built for him. So I ignored the irrational behaviour and cursing of my ex and told myself ...he was just trying to protect us, maybe he's just a nervous dad. The next morning he demanded that we spend the entire day out for what he called "family day" I tried to be a trooper even though I had just come home from a C-section less than 24 hours ago. After about 7 hours running around and my pain meds began to wear off he lit into me with a fury I can only describe as something I had seen in the movies. He began to yell, scream and belittle me in public demanding that I fix my face when I am in prescence and reminded me of all he had done for me during the pregnancy. This crushed my heart and I began to cry as we drove home. He continued to glare at me through the rearview mirror and refused to stop insulting and screaming at me. Once we reached home he kept going and I sobbed even harder now and literally felt my stitches begin to pull. This agrument ended with him telling me to get out and not to come back. Some how we made up that night...but I spent the next 11 months afraid of frequent and increasinlgy violent outburst over anything from salad dressing to my breast milk drying up due to stress when our son was only 3 months to my asking him to not feed a 1 month old table food from his plate. .....To which he replied I can feed my son anything I pay for in my house.
How & When I Decided To Run:
During my 11 months in a postpartum domestic violence nightmare....I was choked, dragged, slammed against windows, slammed up walls, isolated from family/friends....Things got so bad I couldnt even see the young boy whom I once loved so much in his eyes anymore. I felt trapped and honestly didnt know how I was going to get out because financially I wasnt prepared. Thats when I secured a work from home job and did so well my first week I was asked to contribute more. Obvisouly he didnt like me trying to gain my financial independence and he disconnected the Wifi in the home. But yet I still stayed....for another 2 weeks.....until one day he came home and flew into such a rage about my not finishing his laundry...screaming things like he was going to show me who he really was, that I only had power because he gave it to me...and that the reason why I didnt listen was because he hadnt killed me yet and that if I kept disrepecting me he would kill me and show me that he was a real man.....I was so terrified that I actually began to shake and felt to afraid to call my cops. Thats when the love of my life my little baby boy spoke up and I know it sounds crazy but I swear he began yelling at his father and tried to defend me....My poor baby was shut down so hard when his father screamed "DONT TELL ME TO SHUT UP" that his nose began to bleed.....And thats when I made a decision to leave. So the next morning after he left for work I walked out of my babies home with a back pack and went straight to the police department to press charges for everything that had happened over the past 11 months and the most recent threats on my life.
Where We Are Now:
Unfortunately I have learned exactly why so many women stay in abusive relationships....the amount of strength you have to pull from your soul is almost unbearable. Since filing charges this is what has happened:
1) I refused to return to the home because I knew he wouldnt stay away. He then changed the locks and threw all my things into plastic garbage bags.
2) He smashed my framed college degree and scratched my name out.
3) He refuses to give me any of the things that belong to our baby like his newborn clothes, one of the 2 swaddle blankets the nurses used to wrap him up when they removed him from my womb, my stroller, blankets...NOT EVEN MY UMBILICAL CORD
4) He threatned to kill me again when I begged him to work with me for our babies sake because I would be in his life for at least another 17 years.
5) Follows me around trying to get my new address....always screaming he will never forgive me for what I have done to his son.
6) Refuses to agree to joint custody..."My son will never live outside of my home"
7) Refuses to pay court order child support and to give me the one item from the baby nursery that the judge granted me.
8) He has destroyed valuable paintings I acquired through my travels to Egypt, Greece and Vienna.
9) Continues to remind of everything he purchased for our baby and accuses me of being unfit because I stayed home from work for a year to raise our son.
10) Destroyed all of my work equipment I use as a womens empowerment speaker and host....my form of employment before taking time to spend at home with my perfect little baby boy that I do not regret ......because our bond is so special to me and a love I havent felt since I lost my parents 24 years.
11) Even yelled at me for not keeping our son in Honest diapers because I cant afford them at the time.
12) Ran my phone bill up to $560 before removing his number from our plan.
Where Do we Go From Here:
The good news is I am making great strides in getting myself back together and have secured a new home for my son and I. But as many of you know the upfront fees it takes to re-establish a fully functioning home when you ran with nothing takes all and everything you have to rebuild a beautiful home and nursey for my baby. So I am seeking funding for a crib, bedding, high chair, high chairs, car seat, potty, baby bag, baby armorie, a parent facing stroller...and in complete disclosure I would like to treat my little bundle of perfect joy to a special weekend trip to sesame street to show him my appreciation for continuing to be such a strong boy and keep a smile on my face through it all.
What Learned From This:
1) Fleeing a domestic violence relationship is difficult and taxing on your emotions...but its best for our children to see us happy.
2) So many people have no idea how the cycle of Domestic Violence works.
3) Sharing my story here only has helped me understand exactly what was done to me.
4) The perp may never acknowledge his wrong doing.