“Mama, why do aww of my bruvuhs and sistuhs die?”

We were curled together in the grey, early hours. She'd crawled into our bed for snuggles, just like every morning. Daddy inches away; her face so close to mine; our breath mingling. Sacred.

She whispered a question no four year old should ever have to wonder and ten thousand white hot knives stabbed through me - again. Again, like the countless times the day before, and the day before that, and the day before that…

I pulled our miracle girl closer. Kissed her forehead. “I don't know, baby, but Jesus knows and He has a good plan for them. And for us. I'm so sorry it hurts.”

Tanner and I are both carriers for a fatal form of skeletal dysplasia. It means every child we conceive has a 50% chance of being unaffected, a 25% chance of being an asymptomatic carrier (like us), and a 25% chance of dying during pregnancy or immediately after birth.

We've buried three children.

We first learned of our condition when an anomaly presented during the 35 week checkup for what had otherwise seemed a normal pregnancy. Our perfect son was due so soon. The crib was up. We'd read all of the “big sister” books. We were so ready for him and then, “incompatible with life.”

How? How do you keep breathing when your baby dies? I remember waiting as they prepped the epidural, sobbing as I held my swollen belly and thought “he's alive. He's alive right now and as soon as they take him out of me, he's going to die. God help me, my baby is going to die.”

Then they stretched me out on the operating table. Arms spread wide. The words “this is my body, given up for you,” crossed my mind as they cut me open. They put my sweet boy on my chest and we sang family lullabies as his heart slowed, then stopped. Our precious Athanasius “Athan” James.

One year later - two pink lines. All of the joy. “Thank you, Jesus, for our precious baby.” All of the fear. “What if it happens again?” We'd just begun to wrap our minds around it when I started bleeding. We'd barely said hello when we had to say goodbye. The baby I loved fiercely but hardly knew, Shiloh Grace.

Another year. Another test. An answered prayer. “Thank you, Jesus!” This time, a little sister. Our daughter was over-the-moon. Every single day, “this stuffie is for me and this one will be for Baby Maggie.” “When Maggie is born she will play tea with me. “Maggie will sit here in the shopping cart and I will sit here.”

We had to wait until 16 weeks for the diagnostic test that would tell us if she had the fatal condition. Waiting was agony. Every single day was an insane paradox of living our beautiful life - madly in love with each other, delighting in our girls, treasuring big-sister kisses on my belly - and wondering, “is our baby going to die?” Then an ultrasound ripped us wide open: yes. Her condition was severe and my life was at risk.

She was born at 21 weeks - a completely loved, perfectly formed little person. Her daddy baptized her and told her Jesus was waiting. I covered her with tears, trying to fit a lifetime’s worth of kisses into thirty minutes. She had tiny eyelashes and fingerprints. She had her sister’s nose. She died in my hands. Magnificat Jael, our Maggie Girl.

I can’t explain to you what it’s like to lose one child, let alone three. If you’re a parent, you’ve probably imagined it. Maybe you got out of bed in the middle of the night just to double check the rise and fall of a tiny chest. Maybe you’ve felt your heart leap into your throat as a little bike crashed or a ball rolled into a street. You’ve probably thought: there could be no worse pain. Torture would be easier. You’d be right.

“Why do all of my brothers and sisters die?”

Why does my little girl have to ask this question?

Why did I spend Mother’s Day morning curled on a grave?

Why did my husband - the greatest daddy in the world - have to carry tiny caskets down the aisle of our church?

I don’t know.

But I know God is real and He is good.

I’ve seen Him moving, keeping my mama heart gentle and full of love even in the black abyss of my sorrow. I’ve seen Him forge my husband into a man of virtue - strong enough to carry us. God has sustained us as we’ve carved a glorious, joyful life out of our grief. He has not given us what we expected but He has given us abundance. We have faith that’s been refined through fire. We have an incredible community of friends and family. We have a big, beautiful old house filled with laughter and adventures and way too much pet hair. He’s given enough to share.

Through it all, Tanner and I have consistently felt called to open our home to many children. We’ve pursued this - even becoming foster parents right before conceiving Maggie. Now, we believe we’re being called to private adoption.

No one is owed a child. Neither our joy nor our grief mean we deserve a baby - but every baby does deserve a home where he or she will be safe and loved beyond measure. We believe right now, as you read this, there is an expectant mama who wants to place her baby with a loving family but she hasn’t found us yet. We need to get to her. We need to be there to offer her our love and support and the safe place she wants for her baby.

We need your help. Adoption is expensive. We’re working with the most ethical agencies which make sure every penny is put to good use, but between lawyer fees, medical care for mama and baby, and the mountains of red tape, we need 75k. We believe our baby is out there somewhere right now, but we can’t match with an expectant mom until we’ve raised the funds. We need the money - urgently.

God is making all things good. He’s making it good for our family that’s been shaped by tragedy into a home full of love. He’s making it good for the expectant mama out there who is courageously sacrificing to protect her baby - the little one who will also be ours.

So, please, help us get to our baby. Please be a part of Him making broken things whole.

Please give.

Please give every penny you can. Maybe that’s $1.00. Maybe it’s $10,000. Maybe it’s $100 this month - and again every month until we reach the goal. We're asking you to please be generous. Let this truly be a tithe - a gift from you to the God whose heart has always been for the little ones. And please share this - on your social media or directly to friends and family. Share it with anyone who wants to be a part of the great things God is doing. It seems like so much money but, at the end of the day: it’s such a small price to pay to give a child a home.

Below is an example of the breakdown of expenses in an adoption case like ours. Please note this list does not take any emergent medical care for baby (such as drug detox; NICU, etc.) into account.

Fees Required Before We are Permitted to Match with a Birth Mom:

NOTE: The Agency Fee pays a highly qualified staff and provides resources needed to ensure ethical adoption practices. These funds are essential for assisting expectant moms who would rather choose to parent their babies - guaranteeing that moms who choose adoption do so freely which decreases the likelihood that we'll match with a mom who changes her mind at the last second.

All of the below expenses must be covered before we can get to baby.

Agency Fee: $32,000

Marketing Fee: $1,000

Case Mgmt. Fee: $4,500

Birth Parent Expenses: $ 16,500

Birth Parent Expenses Fee: $ 1,650

Legal Documents: $2,500

ICPC Processing, if necessary: $2,500

Publication/Service/Investigation for Putative Father(s): $2,000

Legal work for Termination of Parental Rights: $5,000

EM representation: $1,000

Misc/Copies/Fed Ex/ Other: $500

(Total: $69,150)

Expenses after Baby is Born:

When we get the call that birth mama is in labor, we will fly to baby's home state where we will meet baby and mama in the hospital. Best case scenario, we'll have to stay in-state for about two weeks, waiting for legal clearances. Worst case scenario, we will wait for clearances AND baby will be in NICU for some unknown period of time.

Flights to/from birth mom's state to pick up baby: $800

Hotel or AirBNB while picking up baby (2 weeks): $2,000

Car rental in birth mom's state (2 weeks): $700

Post Placement Visits*: $1,800

*Legally required, a representative from our home study provider will visit our home to check on us/baby.

(Total: $5,300)

TOTAL ESTIMATED COST: $74,450

You are a gift. With all my heart: thank you. Blessed be God.

Tanner and Marriana