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Project Lemur - A Hand UP to Get UP!
Silence is a lie. And I’m not a liar.
Malevolence, when tangled with, fractures you. I have learned that most people who have PTSD don’t have it because they were hurt. They have it because they encountered someone that WANTED to hurt them. You can recover but you will never be the same person again. It is devastating. Beyond words. And you will grieve the loss of the person you always knew to be you.
1 in 3. Don’t forget. Even the people you think are the strongest can fall victim to violence, trauma and betrayal by people who tell them they "love" them. I was the toughest girl on the block and it happened to me. And it affects the people that do truly love victims as well - including the little ones in our communities. The question most often asked, "Why didn`t you just leave?" is a tough one. I used to ask the same thing. But what I can tell you is what we hear is, "It`s your fault" when asked that. I have a story just like everyone does and it takes some guts to stand up and share your truth. Especially in a court of law when being lied about. And when a victim has the guts to show up and the abuser pleads guilty, why are we not allowed to speak at sentencing? Denied by the judge. Told me they have a “busy day in court” . Really? All recorded. I have been strongly encouraged to share it. I plan to in due time. But only for the purpose of doing good for others.
I will, however, answer the above question for you boldly: Why we didn't`t leave is because 70% of us are murdered in the U.S. if we try to leave. That is roughly 133 women /girls a day. (I use this statistic as a woman. I had to figure out a plan that included cleaning up messes that he was very calculating to make sure was in my name. Not a man. A parasite.
Clearly , there are men and our LBGTQ loved ones at risk and affected as well.) And even if we do manage to leave, yes, even years later as life moved on for victims, they are stalked and tracked down. I was told, "Erin, wherever you are in the world, I will find you and I have people who will as well. I will make sure you never see your son again. My mother has papers ready to put you in jail.” And his mother sent me texts telling me the same thing. But they sure loved me when I kept my mouth shut. That changed in about 5 minutes when I chose me. I was immediately blamed and threatened along with my brother. Unacceptable.
While I was repairing two homes he embarrassingly destroyed in sever pain and he defrauded me, the cherry on my sundae was he and his mommie only sled for “his clothes”’ . That I paid for. While I am healing physical injuries and processing the betrayal. Nothing about the damage he did or my well being. His clothes mattered most.
I look forward to the day things shift in our communities that they might focus more on asking the abuser, “Why do you continue to brutalize and terrorize this person?” Rather than consistently blaming the victim for violence they didn’t deserve. Until the judicial system stops protecting the abusers….. ? To be blunt, we have domestic terrorists causing terrible violence in our communities daily. It is terror. I’ve been there.
I remember I would ask him in tears, “What would you say to your daughter if someone she loved was hurting her?” I never did get an answer.
On average, it takes victims seven times to try and leave before staying away for good. It is the most unsafe time for a victim as the abuser senses losing power. In my case, he stole my identification including my passport, Norwegian residency card, my money (through calculated lies you can’t even believe even if I showed you) , my mobile phone, impersonated me online among an overwhelming list of other offenses. I still have a hard time processing it all at times. How someone could do this to another human being. Then brutally beat and kick them and then blame and shame the person they did this to.
But I did get away and struggled through the daunting and complex task of being the key witness for the prosecutor and the State and had to listen a ridiculous defense that claimed I was "complicit" in his crimes all while I was being threatened by my abuser which is all documented. What hurts most is I would never be part of a crime and was lied about 100% and not allowed to speak. I was only trying to help someone I truly loved and it was brutal to come to the realization that I didn`t matter to someone who meant a lot to me. I was just “supply” and even my son (12 at the time) didn’t matter to him. Absolute evil. You don’t steal from a child. He took personal belongings, destroyed dwellings, provided false financials, lied about his family while lying to them about me. Calculated. And I still had to sit there and listen to how “complicit” I was by lawyers who don’t care for one second about families or victims. It made me ill not just as a victim but if someone as tough as I am is so traumatised by this, I am concerned about those that aren’t. When 33% of society is being assaulted, terrorised, and horrifically murdered, we need some heroes. It is clearly a no brainer for me. And it is HARD. And so what then? Get to work is all I could think of and I still have a lot to work on.
And here is the real tough one for me. He plead guilty so sentencing was set and encouraged to give my victims impact statement. What it did to my life. Why would defense council then get to argue this after? Why on earth is the trauma and how his violence impacted my life allow a legal response? She knew nothing about my life and got to speak in court and try to pick apart my pain in front of a judge while my abuser sits back and lets her do his dirty work. Talk about a coward. Sickening. The logic is horrific. And I would do it all over again. I’m not afraid of any one.
But I decided to make it a classroom and learn.
I didn`t give up or in. They don’t scare me. But I had to make concessions that were hard to swallow and a judge who violated my rights. Blatantly and on recording. And my Judicial Commission complaint was denied. And it just about took me to my knees…..For a minute ;)
There are just so many things I will never understand and how someone could do such horrible things to another human being and just not care one bit and his mother who poured gasoline on the fires after she spent a year telling me what a horrible person her son is. I don`t come from that world and whatever pain and damage it caused to me and my son was just a joke to him. And it still continues and cannot be commented on.
I promised God that if He could get me through this, I would help others. So here I am. And so proud to be! Not an expert at this but it is genuine and authentic.
I didn’t want anyone else to ever feel so alone in their fear, shame and pain. I just kept telling myself, "GET UP, Erin." Literally. To have one person come to a victim unsolicited with this simple gesture such as I am trying to lead with now that said, "You matter, I understand and you don`t have to explain anything. You were trying to survive, And you`re going to be ok!" from the community means more than you know. I am fortuante enough to have a supportive family and it was still so painful healing alone. And I know I am not the only one. This is just my story. Many have no one.
They do have me and other awesome volunteers though! Besides trauma counseling and putting one foot in front of the other, I found being of service has been a pivotal form of healing. And the greatest gift we can give our children and loved ones is healing ourselves.
For a child to be provided a backpack with essential toiletries and a plush toy, a "friend" that is theirs for comfort instead of just a garbage bag to put their belongings in (heartbreaking, I know and sadly true) in the middle of terrible trauma would mean so much to them.
For an adult victim looking for a new life and needs a little dignity to "GET UP" and fulfill all the gifts and talents they have to offer the world and to support themselves and loved ones, give back to their community and know they matter? THAT is healing and that is good for everyone.
A professional bag (of many varieties) and wallet (RFID protected) that is classy and durable provides confidence just like it does for anyone of us that owns something that provides a sense of pride. Gold! It could help them get that job, get into that school or just take a chance to try for a good and safe life. And those who know me well, know I have great taste and am a smart shopper. ;-). I find the best deals on the best quality to maximize the generosity shown by the community.
My son, Henrik, had his favorite stuffed animal as a young child (as many of us have had) and it is our beloved little meerkat, “Lemur”, and gave him comfort at all times. Meerkats have a unique "on the lookout" trait about them. Protection and being "on the watch." And Henrik named him Lemur. (yes, a different animal but that is what he called him so we went with it) And we still have him today. I plan to put one in every bag provided. I even carry him around sometimes in my bag!
My story, while frightening at times, isn`t sad. I am litererally alive. Gratitude and focus. I am not ashamed of it anymore and neither should anyone else. It is one of strength and finding that voice inside, even if just a whisper at the start, to "Get UP."
I hate having to have learned how cruel the world can be but doing my best to keep a healthy and safe home for my son and me.
Domestic Violence Services of Snohomish County and Skagit County will be receving many donations of handbags, backpacks, wallets that I am leading through this project.
I humbly give 100 percent to the Counties and appropriate services. And some special local family/friends on my behalf while I am in Norway going back and forth. Snohomish County also does a handbag auction every year that I plan on volunteering for and attending. Any funds donated here will go to these efforts that I will personally oversee so you can be confident in your donation. It is an honor to do this.
You don`t have to love purses or meerkats - I can certainly do that. :-) But if you love the well being of another human that needs a hand UP to get UP, while helping this girl keep healing through helping others, I can promise a great ROI in that
I am confident this is a wonderful way to start someone on their way in trying and finding that voice and know they matter and they are valued. I don`t look over my shoulder anymore but I know they always lurking. Just let them. Sad choice in life. I know who I am and always have been. Nothing to hide.
I couldn’t see color when I was suffering and now I can. So I have chosen a bunch of amazing bags (again, all varieties) with joy that I can really see and appreciate now. That, along with quality, thoughtful organization and the most beautiful colors in fabrics. the founder perfected herself over years in Luxury Satin and Leather-like brilliance. It is something I am grateful for. And they are PETA approved. A rigorous process to go through and achieve. I have invested what little personal money I have left and can afford to get this going. Because even though I was treated pretty poorly, as the great Brene Brown says, " I was brave and so I won." All while being told by his “mommy,” this: “I OWN this town!” Threats , lies, and deceit in order to protect a monster.
I believed that if I approached this with a gentle and authentic heart, I would find the other meerkats out there to help. No garbage bags for children. As a mother, I can`t even imagine. Not on my watch!
My father was a beloved track and field coach and he and I talked about the great Steve Prefontaine who was a bold and talented distance runner in Oregon. His coach, Bill Bowerman (Nike founder) told him he was equipped for the 3 mile race and Pre told him “Coach, nobody cares about the 3 mile…”. And coach told him, “ Then make them care, son”. I, too, have been told nobody cares about Domestic Violence and it’s low on the list for judges. So, I guess I know my marching orders. If not me, then who? My father (RIP), as a coach, always told me that nothing works unless we do. So, off I go. He always said, “you and me all the way, Erin!” so I know he’s with me.
Your donation is sacred and humbling to Project Lemur, Henrik and me. I will be providing updates and also evolving and growing amongst/within the community along with partners. Learning along the way. So grateful for the people in my life that I could never repay for the kindness and support. I’ve seen the worst. And I still chose to believe in the best of us.
Thank you for considering and donating from the bottom of my heart -Erin, and Henrik .....and Lemur!
1 in 3. #projectlemur
Immediate 24/7 help: https://www.nomore.org/help/
And the OG of survivor who helped me “get up”. Find your hero and hang on! ❤️
it isn’t right.
Organizer
Erin Berg
Organizer
Lynnwood, WA