“I need help.”

Perhaps the most uncomfortable thing for me to say. Mostly because I’ve dedicated my life to asking “ how can I help you?” , after overcoming tremendous obstacles throughout my life, in order to gain the knowledge to help others do the same , without the scars left by their teachers .

While I keep my personal life , mostly to myself , those of you who know me know my story , and despite the trauma , circumstances and pain , I’ve never used any of it as an excuse , or sought sympathy . I simply worked harder , to keep my heart open , the true victory always being never becoming what hurt me . Choosing love .

Which brings us to the more recent events , that sent me reeling in to a literal living hell .

Many of you know that I lost everything in the pandemic. Two businesses , I worked nearly three decades building to the point where I had reached a level of not just financial success , but creative freedom , and new platforms to be able to expand globally in being of service . I fought to hold on , working myself to the point of complete and utter breakdown. I started having debilitating panic attacks , that became so severe I would lose consciousness . During the worst of it , I passed out and tore my neck . This injury , as bad as it was , the real devastation was that the tear pushed in to existing neurological damage at the base of my scull , causing me the worst physical pain I’ve ever experienced , and making it impossible to turn my head even a centimeter to the left . Now as my mental health was deteriorating , I was physically limited , and seriously injured. This all coincided with the death of my brother , seeking divorce from my marriage , but then being forced to live together for two more years with LA locked down , and having to attempt to maintain a tremendous overhead without her working , working 16-18 hours doing freelance writing , and whatever else I could while sleeping in my loft with my dog . It got to the point where I had a total breakdown , lost the house , and had to send my family to my dads to live . I barely made it out of California. I was up for 10 days straight , in a constant state of panic , trying to pack an entire 4 story townhouse by myself . In between emergency room visits. I somehow did what I could , but at the airport I had a major panic attack while boarding , wasn’t allowed to get on that flight , same thing happened with the next flight , I was being told that I needed immediate medical attention , but I convinced them that I must get on the next flight. I did , and was shaking the entire flight . Got to my sisters , and broke down. Spent the next few days in the ER . Sabbath , who most of you know is my heart had to be shipped cross country , and last minute . What happened next was my final breaking point. The guy turned out to be an animal abuser , lied about not only the vehicle , but how many other animals would be transported. After over a week of shady interactions , and not getting any updates , he showed up and Sabbath was half dead . Emaciated , bleeding , soaked in his own urine . My 110 lb Dogo was 185 lbs and clinging to life . If my brother in law hadn’t been there to stop me , I would have ended that man .

My first year here I don’t even remember , it was endless Drs and hospital visits, panic attacks , family issues , neurological pain , and depression. I was unable to move my head and all to the left for two years . I refused to have multiple surgeries as the damage was inches from my spine , I was determined to find a solution . I reached out to one of the best Drs in NYC who I had a long relationship with from my business there , who I sent all my high profile clients to. I explained everything , and he didn’t even let me finish , he said come in and we’ll take care of you , without charging me . They saw what several neurologists did not , the neck tear had developed scar tissue and calcification that was pressing up against the neurological damage. So using lasers over months of treatment , he removed that , and the nerve pain eventually subsided. I spent the next 5 months doing 6 hours of rehab a day to be able to move my neck again . I didn’t give up hope despite the unbearable pain and if I would have had the surgery there was a 30% chance of partial paralysis , and I would never be able to train or live un compromised. But Sabbath was not getting better , his skin issues became horrific , his immune system was so compromised from the transport nightmare and new environmental allergies caused horrible cysts and eye infections. I tried everything , every possible treatment and then tumors recently formed . He had two surgeries recently , but he needs to get specialized dermatologist treatment , skin biopsies , and multiple tests to stop his suffering.

While I just started therapy , anti anxiety medication and will soon be cleared to resume the gym , I still need specialized treatment myself , and insurance will not cover it . The last time I saw several psychiatrists locally , they didn’t listen to me and put me on antidepressants which I don’t tolerate, and they made me suicidal. I got off them , and now this is my last chance to make a push to get on the other side of this . I need to get healthy , I need help to save Sabbath , if I lose him I’ll never recover. I’ve always kept my private life private , and I’m well aware that while this is only the most basic aspects of my situation , it is a lot to digest. My dad , and my sister have been my anchors , but even the strongest of us need help. It took all my strength to do this , not because of pride or ego , but because my depression was telling me I was worthless , I failed , and now I have to beg for money, but I know that I have to do whatever it takes to get through this , back to life , back to being me .

To my friends who gave me the confidence to do this , your belief and encouragement is everything. To whoever is in a position to help , no matter how much or how little, I can never find the words to express my most humble gratitude.

” I need help .”