<div>“I need help.”

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<div>Perhaps the most uncomfortable thing for me to say. Mostly because I’ve dedicated my life to asking “ how can I help you?” , after overcoming tremendous obstacles throughout my life, in order to gain the knowledge to help others do the same , without the scars left by their teachers .

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<div>While I keep my personal life , mostly to myself , those of you who know me know my story , and despite the trauma , circumstances and pain , I’ve never used any of it as an excuse , or sought sympathy . I simply worked harder , to keep my heart open , the true victory always being never becoming what hurt me . Choosing love .

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<div>Which brings us to the more recent events , that sent me reeling in to a literal living hell .

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<div>Many of you know that I lost everything in the pandemic. Two businesses , I worked nearly three decades building to the point where I had reached a level of not just financial success , but creative freedom , and new platforms to be able to expand globally in being of service . I fought to hold on , working myself to the point of complete and utter breakdown. I started having debilitating panic attacks , that became so severe I would lose consciousness . During the worst of it , I passed out and tore my neck . This injury , as bad as it was , the real devastation was that the tear pushed in to existing neurological damage at the base of my scull , causing me the worst physical pain I’ve ever experienced , and making it impossible to turn my head even a centimeter to the left . Now as my mental health was deteriorating , I was physically limited , and seriously injured. This all coincided with the death of my brother , seeking divorce from my marriage , but then being forced to live together for two more years with LA locked down , and having to attempt to maintain a tremendous overhead without her working , working 16-18 hours doing freelance writing , and whatever else I could while sleeping in my loft with my dog . It got to the point where I had a total breakdown , lost the house , and had to send my family to my dads to live . I barely made it out of California. I was up for 10 days straight , in a constant state of panic , trying to pack an entire 4 story townhouse by myself . In between emergency room visits. I somehow did what I could , but at the airport I had a major panic attack while boarding , wasn’t allowed to get on that flight , same thing happened with the next flight , I was being told that I needed immediate medical attention , but I convinced them that I must get on the next flight. I did , and was shaking the entire flight . Got to my sisters , and broke down. Spent the next few days in the ER . Sabbath , who most of you know is my heart had to be shipped cross country , and last minute . What happened next was my final breaking point. The guy turned out to be an animal abuser , lied about not only the vehicle , but how many other animals would be transported. After over a week of shady interactions , and not getting any updates , he showed up and Sabbath was half dead . Emaciated , bleeding , soaked in his own urine . My 110 lb Dogo was 185 lbs and clinging to life . If my brother in law hadn’t been there to stop me , I would have ended that man .

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<div>My first year here I don’t even remember , it was endless Drs and hospital visits, panic attacks , family issues , neurological pain , and depression. I was unable to move my head and all to the left for two years . I refused to have multiple surgeries as the damage was inches from my spine , I was determined to find a solution . I reached out to one of the best Drs in NYC who I had a long relationship with from my business there , who I sent all my high profile clients to. I explained everything , and he didn’t even let me finish , he said come in and we’ll take care of you , without charging me . They saw what several neurologists did not , the neck tear had developed scar tissue and calcification that was pressing up against the neurological damage. So using lasers over months of treatment , he removed that , and the nerve pain eventually subsided. I spent the next 5 months doing 6 hours of rehab a day to be able to move my neck again . I didn’t give up hope despite the unbearable pain and if I would have had the surgery there was a 30% chance of partial paralysis , and I would never be able to train or live un compromised. But Sabbath was not getting better , his skin issues became horrific , his immune system was so compromised from the transport nightmare and new environmental allergies caused horrible cysts and eye infections. I tried everything , every possible treatment and then tumors recently formed . He had two surgeries recently , but he needs to get specialized dermatologist treatment , skin biopsies , and multiple tests to stop his suffering.

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<div>While I just started therapy , anti anxiety medication and will soon be cleared to resume the gym , I still need specialized treatment myself , and insurance will not cover it . The last time I saw several psychiatrists locally , they didn’t listen to me and put me on antidepressants which I don’t tolerate, and they made me suicidal. I got off them , and now this is my last chance to make a push to get on the other side of this . I need to get healthy , I need help to save Sabbath , if I lose him I’ll never recover. I’ve always kept my private life private , and I’m well aware that while this is only the most basic aspects of my situation , it is a lot to digest. My dad , and my sister have been my anchors , but even the strongest of us need help. It took all my strength to do this , not because of pride or ego , but because my depression was telling me I was worthless , I failed , and now I have to beg for money, but I know that I have to do whatever it takes to get through this , back to life , back to being me .

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<div>To my friends who gave me the confidence to do this , your belief and encouragement is everything. To whoever is in a position to help , no matter how much or how little, I can never find the words to express my most humble gratitude.

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<div>” I need help .”

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Suzanne Miller

Brian Kolodny

Amanda Durham

Edward Beglane

Suzanne Diaz

Marina Zakry

Brian Clerkin

Julie Penland

Andres Murinigo

Ella McHugh

Amanda Montoya

Eric Gerber

Jennifer Puricelli

Deborah Cooper

Jennifer Burgess

MARCO HERNANDEZ

Kelly Bartoli

Kinjal Mitra

Daniel Middleton

From Despair to Hope: A Call for Support

From Despair to Hope: A Call for Support

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