For my Wife and Kid
Donation protected
Hi my name is Joshua Rios, this is really hard to do I'm not gonna lie. I am not good at expressing myself nor do I really want the world to know about the hardships we have to encounter daily. The best way to sum it up is that I care about my wife and child and want them to be able to be cared for because I unfortunately have been lacking in that department. (I am in no way saying you have to give anything, a prayer would be just as good for us.)
I deal with severe severe panic disorder and agoraphobia so much so that as it stands right now I have not left the house in more than 2 months. I have actually been dealing with this since the age of 14 as I remember and each time a wave of this odd and severe panic comes along I regress and regress. I've gone to plenty of doctors and spoken to multiple therapists and psychiatrists and so far its been little help.
When you have a therapist tell you that this is the worst case of panic disorder he's ever seen though or had to deal with in his 20 years of working then you know unfortunately things aren't as they should be. I have not left my small town of Fremont for more than 3-4 years now and prior to this latest panic attack I have only been able to travel within a 1 mile vicinity of my house.
I have been hospitalized twice now and thankfully its only a mile away from where I live but that still does not stop my body and mind from going haywire even while I am there. My best way to explain this to people is imagine the scariest moment of your life, then have it repeat every few hours and you have to take benzo's just to keep your head above water.
Believe me when I say I have tried many different things to try and stay calm and collected but still the panic and anxiety prevail even sometimes beating the medicine that is supposed to calm me down. I'm just trying to say I have been trying, but if someone were to tell me that this would last till I die, well lets hope that's not the case.
The best way to explain our situation is my wife lost her job in April due to Covid. I had been in and out of work for years now working for about 6 months before having an episode that would leave me out for a couple months to a couple years.
Last year in June of 2019 Ohioans Jobs for Disabilities helped me find work within a half mile of my house, which paid well enough for us to be somewhat secure in our finances. Due to cut backs in the workload, by November I was let go (temporary hire anyways) which crushed me and my wife as it was helping me by bringing purpose and of course, income.
In 2020 Covid arrives and I am hit with wave after wave of severe panic attacks having to call my therapist multiple times and living on a Benzo called Ativan.
Things never seemed to get better for me though as I would be fine for a couple weeks then back into a psychotic manic state. August rolls around and I finally get a call from my work requesting me to be hired back as a part time employee.
I was super excited to say the least because we had no idea if my wife's work was ever going to call her back. All I can say is I did my very best, but I was already getting to the point of not leaving my house due to how severe and frequent the panic attacks were coming. I finally am about to start work on a Monday, I take my dog outside to go to the bathroom and BOOM I get hit with a panic attack that lasted for 6 hours (that's with taking my medicine also). My heart would not stop racing and my mind and body hadn't felt fear like that since my very first panic attack in high school. I was literally frozen in fear in my computer room. About a day or two later I had another severe panic attack that lead me to go to the hospital because I could not calm down.
I am only going into detail on this so you might get a glimpse of what it would be like for my wife to see her husband have to go through such mental turmoil. Thankfully my son is too young to understand these things but it still hurts as a father to feel so helpless and scared. To not feel man enough, to feel like a failure every time you look at them not only because of what you are dealing with at that moment, but because you know that you have left all the responsibility of working and taking care of your son to your wife.
No one should have to deal with that. Not a single one of us. I am so grateful to have such an amazing woman in my life and I could not ask for a better friend and life partner. I just wish I could give her all those things she wanted but more importantly make her feel safe and comfortable knowing everything is going to be ok. Now with a son in the mix, it hurts even more but drives me write what I am writing here today.
If you are asking why I would come for aid now, well, that's because I have been trying to get help for a couple years now going through the disability system and getting denied each time. Mental Illness is still taboo in the court systems and they don't take it seriously. Lastly, no one probably really wants to come here asking for help as it seems weak, although I don't believe that to be the truth anymore. I wouldn't come here If I didn't believe to be out of options.
At this moment I am still stuck inside my house, and my wife is still not working. We are trying to find avenues for money but it is very hard with Covid and our Government putting a halt on things. Things are slightly getting better for me but I am still a long way from normal and if time has taught me anything this medical condition may pop up again at any point in the future. I pray that it wont as it takes so much out of me and the relationships that I have every time.
After all this whatever you believe in your heart to give, trust me it will not go unnoticed. Every penny will be going to pay off our debts, paying for food, rent , you name it. Even the littlest bit helps and for all those who do give or even pray for us we are extremely thankful. Your support will mean the world to me, my wife, and my child.
I love you Micella and somehow... Someway... Things are gonna get better.
Thanks again,
Joshua Rios
I deal with severe severe panic disorder and agoraphobia so much so that as it stands right now I have not left the house in more than 2 months. I have actually been dealing with this since the age of 14 as I remember and each time a wave of this odd and severe panic comes along I regress and regress. I've gone to plenty of doctors and spoken to multiple therapists and psychiatrists and so far its been little help.
When you have a therapist tell you that this is the worst case of panic disorder he's ever seen though or had to deal with in his 20 years of working then you know unfortunately things aren't as they should be. I have not left my small town of Fremont for more than 3-4 years now and prior to this latest panic attack I have only been able to travel within a 1 mile vicinity of my house.
I have been hospitalized twice now and thankfully its only a mile away from where I live but that still does not stop my body and mind from going haywire even while I am there. My best way to explain this to people is imagine the scariest moment of your life, then have it repeat every few hours and you have to take benzo's just to keep your head above water.
Believe me when I say I have tried many different things to try and stay calm and collected but still the panic and anxiety prevail even sometimes beating the medicine that is supposed to calm me down. I'm just trying to say I have been trying, but if someone were to tell me that this would last till I die, well lets hope that's not the case.
The best way to explain our situation is my wife lost her job in April due to Covid. I had been in and out of work for years now working for about 6 months before having an episode that would leave me out for a couple months to a couple years.
Last year in June of 2019 Ohioans Jobs for Disabilities helped me find work within a half mile of my house, which paid well enough for us to be somewhat secure in our finances. Due to cut backs in the workload, by November I was let go (temporary hire anyways) which crushed me and my wife as it was helping me by bringing purpose and of course, income.
In 2020 Covid arrives and I am hit with wave after wave of severe panic attacks having to call my therapist multiple times and living on a Benzo called Ativan.
Things never seemed to get better for me though as I would be fine for a couple weeks then back into a psychotic manic state. August rolls around and I finally get a call from my work requesting me to be hired back as a part time employee.
I was super excited to say the least because we had no idea if my wife's work was ever going to call her back. All I can say is I did my very best, but I was already getting to the point of not leaving my house due to how severe and frequent the panic attacks were coming. I finally am about to start work on a Monday, I take my dog outside to go to the bathroom and BOOM I get hit with a panic attack that lasted for 6 hours (that's with taking my medicine also). My heart would not stop racing and my mind and body hadn't felt fear like that since my very first panic attack in high school. I was literally frozen in fear in my computer room. About a day or two later I had another severe panic attack that lead me to go to the hospital because I could not calm down.
I am only going into detail on this so you might get a glimpse of what it would be like for my wife to see her husband have to go through such mental turmoil. Thankfully my son is too young to understand these things but it still hurts as a father to feel so helpless and scared. To not feel man enough, to feel like a failure every time you look at them not only because of what you are dealing with at that moment, but because you know that you have left all the responsibility of working and taking care of your son to your wife.
No one should have to deal with that. Not a single one of us. I am so grateful to have such an amazing woman in my life and I could not ask for a better friend and life partner. I just wish I could give her all those things she wanted but more importantly make her feel safe and comfortable knowing everything is going to be ok. Now with a son in the mix, it hurts even more but drives me write what I am writing here today.
If you are asking why I would come for aid now, well, that's because I have been trying to get help for a couple years now going through the disability system and getting denied each time. Mental Illness is still taboo in the court systems and they don't take it seriously. Lastly, no one probably really wants to come here asking for help as it seems weak, although I don't believe that to be the truth anymore. I wouldn't come here If I didn't believe to be out of options.
At this moment I am still stuck inside my house, and my wife is still not working. We are trying to find avenues for money but it is very hard with Covid and our Government putting a halt on things. Things are slightly getting better for me but I am still a long way from normal and if time has taught me anything this medical condition may pop up again at any point in the future. I pray that it wont as it takes so much out of me and the relationships that I have every time.
After all this whatever you believe in your heart to give, trust me it will not go unnoticed. Every penny will be going to pay off our debts, paying for food, rent , you name it. Even the littlest bit helps and for all those who do give or even pray for us we are extremely thankful. Your support will mean the world to me, my wife, and my child.
I love you Micella and somehow... Someway... Things are gonna get better.
Thanks again,
Joshua Rios
Organizer
Josh Rios
Organizer
Fremont, OH