Fermin’s Haircut

This is not just a fundraiser. This is a cry for help—for justice, for rhythm, and for a proper fade.

Our dear friend, philosopher, weed ambassador, and underground garage rapper Fermin Paniagua has fallen on hard times. And we mean hard. Like, “Netflix paused for inactivity” hard. Like, “eating uncooked Top Ramen over the sink” hard.

Why? Because Fermin’s world was turned upside down by a devastating loss:

His ex-girlfriend, Candy, tragically passed away… while on the pole.

Yes, friends. She died doing what she loved: dramatic choreography to T-Pain remixes while dangerously under-hydrated.

Apparently, Candy was attempting her signature move—“The Upside-Down Turbo Butterfly”—when her platform heel got caught in an unattended mozzarella stick. She spun out like a Beyblade, launched off the stage, and collided directly with the DJ booth. They say the DJ tried to save her by switching the track to “In the Arms of an Angel,” but it was too late.

Fermin was never the same.

He stopped rapping. He stopped cleaning his bong water. He stopped trimming… anything.

His hair now resembles a sentient tumbleweed that’s witnessed too much. It casts a shadow. It has moods. Birds have landed in it voluntarily.

But there’s hope.

Fermin’s talent is still there—his flow is fire, his bars are blessed—but he can’t unleash his lyrical fury looking like a medieval broom. He needs this haircut to mourn properly and finally get back to doing what he does best: yelling heartfelt rhymes over trap beats in his garage at 2 a.m.

We’re raising $50.00, enough to cover:

• A haircut from a real barber (not his cousin with the broken clippers)

• Shampoo powerful enough to de-curse his scalp

• Possibly a Gatorade to honor Candy’s final, sweaty legacy

Fermin always gave us hospitality. He gave us laughter. He gave us an entire mixtape called “I Miss Her But I Miss Rent More.” Now, it’s time we give something back.

Let’s get this man cleaned up, lined up, and back on the mic where he belongs.

#CutForCandy

#HaircutsAndHealing

#PoleToSoul

#FadeToGrieve

#RIPCandyDropItLowOneLastTime

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