DIVORCING A GHOST-DAD TAKES MORE THAN AN EXORCISM

Once upon a time, I thought I could co-parent with a man who hadn’t held a stable job since probably the dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Bold move, right? Fast forward four years, and here I am, raising a hilarious, wonderful, and incredibly expensive little boy all by myself while his dad continues to believe that losing his nonexistent money in egocentric "ventures" like throwing lame parties and paying stupidly high fees for DJs nobody's ever heard of is somehow "investing."

But hold on, it gets better. Two years ago, in a moment of sheer brilliance (read: desperation), I fell for his Oscar-worthy sob story. He told me he wanted to move to Germany (the land of bratwurst, efficiency, and jobs that actually exist!), where his magical cousin would help him find a real job and “finally get on his feet.” All he needed was a visa. And because I’m German and clearly a sucker, I agreed to marry him so he could get it. I know, you don’t have to tell me—I still cringe at the memory. It’s the kind of decision that makes you wish you could go back in time and slap your past self.

So, I did all the work—paperwork, planning, everything. And guess what? He didn’t even go to Germany. Instead, he stayed right where he is, perfecting his remarkable talent for losing money. Truly a business visionary. Meanwhile, my life is a constant balancing act of paying for private school (because public education here is just a fantasy), keeping a roof over our heads, and sometimes treating myself to a loaf of bread. JK I do give myself a tiny bit of credit for providing my son with a life that’s not exactly luxurious, but at least it’s happy and sustainable.

And now for the cherry on top: not only has he failed to contribute a single dime beyond some $200 his ashamed mom gave me once (truly a philanthropist), but guess what? I’m STILL married to him. LEGALLY. Yep, we’re technically still hitched, which is like a plot twist even my wildest nightmares couldn’t have dreamed up. Divorce isn’t cheap, and suing for child support? Even pricier. Who knew that justice came with a hefty price tag?

So here I am, hat in hand (with irony fully intact, of course), asking for your help to fund this circus. Every penny will go toward paying for the lawsuit, the ridiculously high divorce fees (because, shocker, he’s not paying a cent), and finally unshackling myself from this beautiful disaster of a marriage. If you’ve ever wanted to invest in karmic justice, this is your moment. Let’s get this guy to pay up—or at the very least, cover the cost of his grand exit from my life