Help me get Home for Christmas

                    I am a Desert Storm Desert Shield Veteran with Severe PTSD.  I  have a service connected disability rating of 80% & 70% is due to combat  related PTSD. I have difficulty keeping a job because I have a hard time working with or for anyone who is racist, sexist, dishonest or otherwise abuses or bullies others. This inevitably leads to problems for obvious reasons.  I witnessed some really horrible situations in the Persion Gulf, but the most traumatic was the grief and horror of the people who had lost freinds and family members. The mothers and Fathers who lost children were bad but the children trying to cope and survive after a parent  was lost in some of the most gruesome ways you can imagine have made it hard for me to pass a needy or homeless person without helping somehow. And it always brings these memories back.(video submitted is 2016 Veterans Day ceremony at Hesperia Lake)I started Playing Taps at funerals and ceremonies in A school in Memphis in the Marine Corps and I still do it every veterans day and some times Memorial day. I also do it for people who just can't get a burial unit in time or who want an actual bugler instead of a recording coming out of a horn. I have never asked for or been paid for this , Its just something that helps me feel like I'm giving back as much as I can.  My wife hated southern california and often talked about going back to where her mother lives. Our Landlord was harrassing us and we didnt want an eviction  on our record so we decidedshe would go stay with her mother and I would dispose of and sell what was left here and join her as soon as I could. Unfortunately I am having problems selling anything, let alone everything. I was supposed to fund my move there with that money. That was 2 months ago. Before that I had always had my boys with me every day for the most part for 13 years. I didnt realize how much my state of mind depended on those 5 (well 6 counting her 16 year old who was barely a year old when I met his mom and would crawl into bed next to me and fall asleep and kick me all night. I consider him and his older brother my sons and they both call me Dad. His older brother Ben now attends scool at Cal Poly Pamona and works and supports himself. Noah is  a great kid who loves to act. He already had a performance at his new school in Washington. Then there's Farris, when I got a job at a golf course, he was about 2 and  he wouldn't let me leave and would try to chase the car up the street until I was out of site. Then he would cry till I got home. I would show up to work with tears in my eyes too. But everyone knew why, they'd say " Farris follow you down the street again?" I'd say " No, I just had something in my eye". They  never slept in their crib any of them, always on my chest. I was terrified of S.I.D.S. so I kept them on my chest til they were almost 2. Rhys is number 2 he loved for me to sing Garth Brooks and now he sings better than me. Peyton number 3 is the most like me, Fearless but sensitive, when I went to work he would grab one of my dirty shirts and walk around smelling it all day. I always had to hunt my shirts down. Brady number 4 started mimicking me at about 10 or 11 months. I thought I imagined it but I would do a double take and he would laugh and do it back. Cassidy is the funniest one of all of them and theyre all funny. And now theyve been gone so long I can barely breathe. If I try to go through storage to pack stuff or get rid of stuff I end up hyperventilating and just staring at everything they used to wear or all the toys I got them or the awards they got. Every day Closer to Christmas it gets the more panicked I get that I'll miss it and the more I panick the less I get done. I dont know what else to do. I have so much to do and the support system that used to jump on my back as soon as I got home and sleep on my head is a million miles away So my normal withdrawal symptoms have gone from intolerable to dangerously desperate. I have to make my mind focus on something else or I am useless.Im asking for prayers and Just enough to put a deposit on a small apartment or room.Her mother bought a van for her to drive to Washington since we didnt have a car with enough room for everyone, after our 4-Runner was totaled by an unauthorized driver  with no insurance, who never paid for it. She found out when she got to washington that the supposedly current tag on it was stolen and is would be over 450 dollars to register. I have been trying to get some fees waived by the DMV  and they waived smog and back fees but still want 260 dollars . I only get 1900 a month from the VA and im paying for a room and everyones phones and my credit cards. There isnt much left after that. Her mothers place is to small and I am starting vocational rehab as soon as I can get there. Which will mean an extra 1200 a month so I will be able to afford a place for us. Its getting so bad that thinking about our storage unit starts a river of tears and i cant breathor relax.  I appreciate any help in whatever form, prayer, maybe an Unused RV anything helps Thank You and God bless you. If anyone needs a bugler for any kind of ceremony or memorial let me know.

Donations (5)

  • Anonymous
    • $100 
    • 6 yrs


Damon Machado
Victorville, CA

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