Growing Our Family

THE BEGINNING: David and I met 10 years ago and for all of these 10 years we’ve been glued to each other’s side. Our hearts knew our love was old and new, fresh and familiar all at once. And we somehow knew our love would hold more for us. And so our hearts began the search.

CHASING DREAMS: Our hearts quest began 8 years ago after we married in Northern Spain and since then we’ve seen the world, laughed loudly, shed tears, held one another in steel softness, and have been cracked wide open by moves and cycles and births, and love bubbles bursting. Our draw to one another is more desperate and undeniable, and our hearts have been told the big secret and that which only our animal cells know: we are unafraid, we are mama and papi, we will be parents to our children.

THE HARD TRUTH: We started in Portland with uncomfortable diagnoses, IUI’s and practice shots, searched during the night for healing + homeopathy; we’ve read and shared and been counseled with feminine fierceness, we’ve smoothied, wheatgrassed, royal bee jellied. CoQ10’d to Canada for IVF egg extractions, then hung our heads with surrender in selecting our first egg donor. Suppression, stimulation, trigger shots, patches + plugs, transfers without positives.

FRESH START: We’ve watched and mourned and grown and sheltered ourselves as our friends and family moved forward in their own family growth, their own version of the truth. Until the air was too thick to breathe. We needed a strong breeze to lift us to the next place. Denmark.

HEADS DOWN AND HEARTS OPEN: We were met with an immediate inner knowing that this was not our forever home, but making the most of our big move, we managed to make a few close friends who will be forever cemented in our lives moving forward. Serendipitously, we all shared a familiar story of heartbreak + a long journey to parenthood. We were each other’s support + shared experience as we braved our way ahead. We started again with yet another egg donor, less details and more trust put in the hands of the Universe. After two failed transfers, our last hopes were held in two embryo popsicles waiting for us. And in 2020, as COVID unraveled the world as we knew it and built it anew in an awkward, anxious way, we heard the calls of home more clearly. And as beautifully as a long winding line of dominos ready for the first tap, in all of three short weeks, we enjoyed a gorgeous summer vacation, David was offered a job, we transferred our last two embryos (our tenth try) and sent for our shipping container to sail our life back home, to the embrace of the Pacific NorthWest. We said our see-you-laters with elbow hugs and excitedly, coincidentally, amazingly, were able to share in being pregnant with a couple of friends at once. Due within 3 days of each other. It felt meant to be. It felt so right.

LOVE BUBBLE: Tears of joy as we flew back to the US, into the arms of our village, our family and friends, our longed-for sense of home + a snug fit. Our love bubble was growing bigger by the minute as we held a dear secret close, we’d miraculously moved home with our Alex and Nico inside. Slow walks, nourishing meals, craving all things dairy and countless naps went into their growth and development - at 24 weeks they were deemed healthy + big for their gestation. Our life felt like we had all the dominoes stacked and they were rhythmically falling one by one in our favor.

LOVE BUBBLE BURST: About a week before David’s birthday, I noticed some spotting + went in to get checked multiple times that week. I was at roughly 26 weeks along, and was advised to make decisions as though I was 36 weeks along + then released. We packed up and headed for Government Camp to spend the weekend taking short walks in the snow + enjoying the mountain + trees, and celebrate David’s first birthday as a Papi on March 19, 2021. The next day we walked in the snow near Frog Lake and had a short picnic before going back for lunch and a nap. When I laid down, my water broke, and with it, our love bubble burst.

ALEX + NICO ARRIVE: Panic, the deepest darkest fear, the guilt, as we entered the whirlwind of Alex and Nico’s arrival here + our unleashing into boundless love becoming parents. Over the next 10 days, we’d expand spiritually, giving hand hugs, singing songs, telling quiet stories, holding our boys skin to skin, giggling + laughing, encouraging their every development, and supporting them when they faced another test, another blood draw, another lab. We’d transform into better humans witnessing their itty bittyness and superhero strength. Our bond was undeniable, devastating love. Our days and nights punctuated by visits from Dr. Casey, pump sessions trying to get my milk to come in, and with each moment, prayers, believing in all things, hoping against the odds, knowing on such a visceral level we needed more than one miracle.

What we poured into our baby boys, our bubus, remains etched in our hearts and every cell. The desperation, the pure desire to make them be perfectly healthy + able to keep fighting - our every ounce of Qi was for them, and yet they were there with us, to tell us how this world is, what their next steps are. We asked and listened, and crushingly let them go. First Nico, at 3 days old, then Alex at 9 days old.

KNOWING WE HAVE TO BE PARENTS: What we gained, what we’ve lost, it’s all in there in between the lines and layers of time. The beauty and the beast of the knowing: we are Mami and Papi, and we will parent our children in this lifetime. It’s a deeper calling, one we must listen to.

IT TAKES A VILLAGE: The overwhelming sense of love and support from our family, friends, our team of doctors and nurses, the social workers-chaplains-harpists, doulas-milk-bank-mamas, + the countless cards and prayer-chains. We’ve been held up and saved by you, truly. And in this unbearable transformation, we’ve realized there are things in life we cannot do by ourselves. We need help, and humbly asking for help is a way to allow the love to flow between us - it’s what brings us together + connects us all, it’s what truly forms the village.

As we begin our next try with Oregon Reproductive Medicine, our 3rd egg donor and our 11th try, we ask that you share our story + help us in our journey in parenting.

GRATITUDE: Our gratitude for your love + support is without words, and we humbly accept your encouragement, hugs + hangouts, and any offerings you may have. Please see this as an opportunity to support us in a very special way, and in no way an obligation. We love you + are eternally grateful.

ESTIMATED TOTAL: $66,910

Egg Donor Fee: $8,000

Agency Fee for The Donor Source: $7,500

Egg donor life/health insurance, travel/medical appts/attorney fee: $7,375

Attorney Fee: $1,000

Oregon Reproductive Medicine: