Creating Some Good in Goodbye

As I sit to write this, I remain in disbelief. I don't know how much is too much or too little to share. I reflect on comments from distant family, who would rather not have details of circumstance known for fear of embarrassment, and I realize that I am not ashamed or embarrassed. I refuse to be, because I did not make the choices that led us to this point. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, only a small power to help make this situation less tragic for others, which will require some heartbreaking honesty. One week ago today, I lost my brother, Nic, to a tragic overdose. He was 37 years old. Nic was a man whose smile could light up a room. He was funny and kind. Give you the shirt off of his back, type of kind. He was ambitious and driven. He was irresistible to love. I had the opportunity to celebrate my wedding day with his presence and introduce him to my family as that man, and I will be forever thankful for that. Unfortunately, I lost that man many, many months ago, and I just didn't realize it yet. Sparing the intimate details, those who know me closest, know that my siblings and I had an unfortunate childhood. We dug ourselves out of impossible circumstances. Ones that were not of our own making, but the type that have the power to haunt and follow you for the rest of your days. I have spent my adult life guarded of sharing the details of those circumstances, and, any time I do, the responses are always the same. "How did you make it out of that?" "You are so strong." "How are you so normal?"

The truth is, I had a support system from another side of the family that I will be forever grateful for and indebted to. I was able to dig myself out of someone else's hole, as a child who grew up too fast, and continue to have the support of people strong enough to help me never look back as I healed and built my life how I envisioned. My brother did not have that same level of support from his side of the family. He made it out of that life for a time, but that level of darkness has a way of encapsulating people and turning them into someone that you wouldn't recognize. Months ago, he unfortunately relapsed into that lifestyle. I lost my brother that day, and the man that I can barely recognize is who we lost a week ago. He left behind a girlfriend and a baby on the way.

She fell in love with the ambitious man, who was irresistible to love. Due to the choices that come along with addiction, he left her behind having to face the consequences of choices that were not of her own making. It is no longer safe for her and the baby to remain in the home that they shared with my brother. She is starting over, 7 months pregnant, and is entering the world of single motherhood. I have had many friends and family members ask how they can help or what they can do during this time. My brother had many wishes, in the event that he passed away. There are family members working towards achieving those wishes; although, I know his choices did not make all wishes feasible or easily attainable, and I am choosing to honor my choice many years ago to rise above that lifestyle without looking back. I only have so much energy and so many resources to offer, and I need to ensure that the energy I put into this situation has the potential to create some good in this goodbye. Nic is gone, whether all of his wishes are met or not. However, his baby, my sweet nephew Ryder, is on the way into this world. I am choosing to refocus my energy and resources to make sure that his girlfriend does not have to suffer any more consequences of his choices without support, and that my nephew has a safe space to grow and thrive, far, far away from any of these circumstances. I know in my heart that the sweet man I lost months ago would have wanted it that way. I have always considered GoFundMe's to be questionable at best, but, here I am, creating one. I will do everything I know how to make sure that my nephew never has to live through the childhood that we did, and that his girlfriend has the resources to start over as seamlessly as she can to make that possible. For those asking how to help, this is one of the hardest things I have yet endured, and this is the best that I could come up with. In lieu of flowers, meals, etc., consider helping me create a fund for this sweet baby and his momma to have what they may need, as he starts his journey in this world. I will personally ensure that any penny donated goes directly towards his needs. This story is vague yet detailed all in the same, and those who do not feel comfortable donating, know that I understand completely and will love any prayers and well wishes you may send just as much. Thank you all for your love and support during this difficult time.