I never thought that I would be writing a letter like this. I never thought that this would be something that we would face. I never thought that the challenges of mental health would be the focus of our first year of marriage. I never thought that we would need to ask for your help, not like this, and certainly not so soon after we got married.

Mental health is no joke. It is very real. It is very tangible. It is very very scary. It is also one of the more difficult things to diagnose and treat properly. There are too many drugs, too many side effects, too much trial and error, and not nearly enough science behind the diagnostics of mental health. Almost TWENTY percent of the US population suffers from a mental health condition and yet there is a massive shortage of skilled doctors and developed facilities for accurate treatment. Lastly, insurance coverage is mediocre at best. The irony of our coverage – much is covered, but there are no doctors, therapists, or treatment centers that have any availability – they are all full and not taking patients. All of this results in the final option being the piling up of bills, no treatment, or paying for treatment out of pocket.

The first thing that we want to say, is that we are sorry if this is the first you are hearing of this. We have both been battling with various levels of embarrassment, fear, hope of acceptance, shame, the desire to protect ourselves, and desperately trying to keep some level of privacy in our lives. It is not personal, not even a little. The second thing that we want to say is that this journey has been consuming. On all levels, in everything that we have lived for and endured through over the last year, much of our silence has been for rest and respite. The hours upon hours of research, hundreds of phone calls, more appointments than we can count, and then the rest of life that goes on regardless of the hardships that we have been facing. No matter how you spin it, there hasn’t been much time for anything other than what has been directly in front of us.

At this point Mark, doesn’t have an official diagnosis, so that makes it even more challenging to describe what has been happening over the last 12 months. After several months of a lot of anger, frustration, devastating moments, and catastrophic impact, Mark bravely self-admitted to the psychiatric unit at Harborview in April of 2018, one of the best hospitals in Washington State. Mark spent just over two weeks in an in-treatment program for mania, where he received a working diagnosis of bipolar. A working diagnosis just means it “could be, we aren’t sure, and we need more time to get this figured out.” The diagnostic process for bipolar can take years and requires a cycle of behavior – which we don’t have. Up until this moment, Mark had never had any symptoms of mania or bipolar. We have a lot of theories about what has caused everything and so do the many doctors and mental health professionals that we have been working with. Once Mark got home, it took a few weeks for things to settle down and we started to think about getting back to normal. We were grateful for all of this to be behind us, and that we were working towards our future again. The remodel of our home, the building of mom’s house, Mark finally getting carpal tunnel surgery on both of his wrists, and the last and most important piece – starting the job hunt for Mark. Unfortunately, that normalcy would only last a few months, and in July, our world started to unravel again.

Since July, Mark has been dealing with a steadily increasing amount of anxiety and depression. He has been facing all of these increasing emotions and challenges head on, while trying to combat the crippling anxiety and devastating effects of worsening depression. He has been to several different doctors, two different Naturopaths, therapists, mental health practitioners, and the ER countless times trying to get on top of what is happening to him. Without knowing what the actual issue/diagnosis is, it has been like trying to treat a moving target with your eyes closed. Additionally, the resources that are available to us here on the Olympic Peninsula are limited, strained, and not near the caliber of skill that we need to get to the bottom of all of this.

After a lot of research and help, we discovered a Psychiatric Group in Seattle that specializes in the tough and challenging cases. In the beginning of October, Mark was able to go through their initial intake process and was brought on as a new patient, with his first appointment scheduled for November 8th. Naturally, this group doesn’t even take Mark’s insurance and the out of pocket will be thousands of dollars. Both Mark and I, were feeling really good about this doctor, the methods, and the hope that we were going to get to the bottom of this, and that Mark would be able to find some breathing room in all of this with the help of their pharmacology. We knew that all we had to do was get to that appointment. We knew we would be working with very skilled doctors that are going to help Mark find some answers and find some solutions. He only had to make it another six weeks.

Since Mark made that appointment his symptoms have been getting worse. They have been ramping up and becoming more and more intolerable. His anxiety and depression have both stopped responding to the current medications that he is on. All of these meds, we knew weren’t working, but instead of backing off of meds and trying new meds, he was being prescribed MORE meds of what he was taking. And to a dangerous point. Many of the psych meds take upwards of 6-8 weeks for the patient to get to the clinical dose levels and to start responding appropriately. They all come with a whole host of side effects, and when you are taking several different types it is hard to know what is working and what isn’t working. We knew that we were in the danger zone and we knew that Mark was getting worse. His anxiety is now through the roof and his depression is dangerously low.

Once again, Mark made the incredibly brave decision to pack his bags and head to Harborview. He needed help, and he needed it now. On Thursday October 18th, we drove to Seattle, and he checked in to the Harborview Psychiatric Emergency Services (PES) Unit. This is essentially a Psych ER, and it is the ONLY way to get into a bed in the in-treatment unit at ANY psych hospital in the state. It can take hours or even days of waiting for a bed to open up, and you can not leave the PES unit, or you forfeit your space in line. Gratefully, a bed opened up and only after 7 hours of waiting, Mark was moved upstairs to the in-patient wing. He will be there for the next 1-2 weeks and will be receiving round the clock care with a CARE team of five staff that meet with him twice a day to ensure the correct course and course changes.

It is so hard to ask for help, but here we are. Mark has been unable to work for over a year due to the debilitating and crippling nature of Mania, Anxiety, Depression, and Chronic Fatigue - which of course has taken a huge toll on us financially. The bills are piling up and we cannot stay on top of them. We are tens of thousands of dollars in debt from medical bills, copay's, out of pocket coverage, deductibles, and travel to and from Seattle. We have spent thousands of dollars out of our savings – which are now depleted, and we have thousands of dollars yet to spend to get the right treatment for Mark. We have no idea what kind of bills will come from the current stay at Harborview, and most importantly, we know that the new Doctors Group in Seattle will be thousands more that we don't have. I have spent several days contemplating how much to ask to try and raise. It is a terrifying number to put the actual debt up there, and we could never ask for that much anyway. But putting $5,000 up there might only cover the new doctors in Seattle. We have no idea what kind of help this gofundme account will provide, but what we do know, is that every little bit will get us closer to finding an answer and finding the help that we so desperately need. 

Mark and I have talked a lot about this decision to share all of this to you, and to ask for your help. It was not a decision that came easily or lightly. We are hoping that somehow this will also help spread a little awareness around mental health and create some open dialog about the challenges that many of us are facing silently. I have never seen a request for help regarding mental health, but I assure you this is not unlike the devastating mental, physical, and financial effects of cancer. It is consuming, depleting, and terrifying with so few resources and limited coverage and help. Lastly, we are hoping beyond hope, that you can help us get through this “with a little help from our friends.”

Thank you so much for being a part of our village. We love you.

With the utmost gratitude,

Raina & Mark