I did not battle for me. I battled for my sons.
I battled to be there for them to graduate high school. To be here for them to help guide them into adulthood. To encourage them to attend college and have a good life. A life not filled with struggle and worry. A life with their momma in it to be there for them always when they need me. I battled and continue to battle each day not for myself, but for them.
No matter how sick I was, I woke each day determined to be strong and face it down with positivity and a smile. I have tried my best to keep their fear at bay and to continue to provide for them.
I cried in the shower or behind closed doors.
I pretended that it did not matter when my long blond hair slid down my body in clumps in the shower after the first chemo treatment. I tried to hide the horror I felt as I brushed my entire head of hair out. I stared blindly at the sink full of long soft hair that I no longer had. I did not know that my eldest watched me from the hallway as tears slid down my cheeks. I turned and there he was with open arms. I cried in my sons arms that day. He’s nearly 6ft tall and towers over my 5’2” self. He scooped up my hair and hid it behind him as he took it to the trash. He took on the chores of our home. Both sons taught themselves how to cook as I couldn’t stand.
My youngest son refused to leave my side. He acquired his license so he could take me to every treatment, every doctor visit, pretty much everywhere. To this day he still will not let me drive as I’m still a wreckage and recovering. He became my shadow, afraid I would not tell him if something was wrong.
Well after the first time I was told I was facing the the real possibility of dying, of being unable to cure, he has stayed close. He graduated early that year to be there for me. He turned down so many colleges offering him scholarships because he wanted to stay close to me. No matter how hard I protested, he would not take their offers. He enrolled locally and online.
I did not cry when they told me my cancer became immune to chemo and started spreading again at an alarming rate. This coming after so many months of treatment that I don’t recall the number of rounds.
I needed a mastectomy immediately. I faced down that surgery too with a smile. I cracked jokes. I made light of it. But when I woke from that surgery and I saw myself in the mirror in that hospital gown... I stood facing a woman I no longer recognized. I had no hair, no eyelashes, no eyebrows, no chest. I cried. I couldn’t stop those tears once again. It was not tears over my appearance in regards to vanity. It was tears of the reality of what I have faced and what more is still to come.
I realized I could no longer mask my sickness so my sons would not worry. I cried when they told me I was facing the possibility of being terminal. They told me this a few times over. I do not like to cry but even the strongest of women have to let it out at some point. I told them that’s not going to happen. I will fight harder. I will exhaust all treatments from all corners of this earth if I have to. I cannot leave my sons just yet.
I tried to wear wigs but my sons would hide them. They told me I was beautiful without. They’d rub my little bald head and smile.
They traded roles with me somewhere along the way. They refused to let me do too much. They pestered me constantly to try to rest. They nagged me to try to eat and drink. They would come running if they heard any abnormal sounds as if they were afraid i had fallen.
I went on medical leave from my job. I exhausted all of my paid leave. I even got a separation letter thanking me for my five years of service but due to the length of my leave, they had to let me go. I hired an attorney to apply for disability just in case the damage wrought from chemo and surgeries are irreparable. That case is now stuck in appeals due to my doctors not updating my records. They are updated now. Unfortunately hearings are backed up to at least two years :/
Fighting breast cancer and thyroid cancer back to back in the span of a year put a hurt on me that I can never fully describe. Mentally, physically, and financially. I have more surgeries still to come even though I’m still a wreckage from a years worth of chemotherapy.
The side effects:
My sensory is out of whack to the point I struggle to grip anything. Writing and typing is a battle. Sometimes I cannot operate my fingers as my bones feel shattered. Most of the time my fingers burn so bad that the softest touch on my hands nearly brings me to my knees from pain. Most of the time I can barely walk. I have severe nerve pain in my lower back and legs. Most of the time I feel like my entire body has been dipped in a chemical acid. The best way to describe it is like a severe chemical burn that encompasses your entire body. Even my face and lips burn. The Taxol attacked my entire nervous system. The nephropathy is beyond control to which there is no real fix. I just curl up in a little ball on those days and ride out the internal storm or I push past it.
The fear and pain I see reflected in my sons eyes when they worry over me hurts more than any side affect ever could. So you push. You push through each day and you try to project an image of some semblance of normal. No matter how much it hurts.l, no matter how bad you feel, you put your loved ones first. As a single mom, you don’t have the luxury of resting.
I do not want the last potential memories of me to be that of watching momma suffer. I don’t want to fail my sons. I feel like I am beginning to as I cannot recover fast enough to save our little home.
Losing our home would just be.... my greatest fear is not making it through this and leaving behind two amazing sons without a home :(
I do not ask this for me, I ask for my sons. The ones who have been by my side through it all. I ask for the sacrifices they have made and all the love and support they have given. I ask for nothing more than to just keep them safe with a roof over their head. Our house may be small and in need of repair, but it’s home.
I know there is a lot going on in this world. So many people are in various forms of need. But if you knew my sons, you’d understand why I ask for help. My sons are kind hearted, respectful, and loving. They do good deeds for neighbors and anyone that needs their help. They expect nothing in return.
Help us to help a young single mom who’s battling breast cancer. She’s one of the most selfless people you could ever know. Please help us in helping her in her time of need. She is still fighting for her life. We want to help her save her home. She’s dedicated her life to raising incredible sons and helping anyone in their time of need. She’s never asked for anything in her life, but was always quick to give her shirt off her back if someone needed it. She’s such a positive person. She faced cancer with a smile on her face and has shared her journey via her Facebook, hoping that her journey could help others.
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