Assist Courtney's Path to Recovery

After years of telling doctors something was wrong—and being told it was “just stress”—I’m finally at the point where even my doctor can’t ignore what’s happening to my body.

In the last 3 years, I’ve lost nearly 60 pounds. I’ve gone in again and again concerned about rapid weight loss, extreme thirst, being cold all the time, constant fatigue, and brain fog. Every time, I was told that it was “just anxiety,” or “depression suppressing my appetite” and offered psych meds instead of deeper testing. I didn’t realize that things like frequent urination, sugar crashes, and never feeling full could be signs of something much more serious—until I started collapsing emotionally, mentally, and now physically.

I don’t have a diagnosis to share right now. The only thing I do have is a doctor who finally admitted she doesn’t know what’s going on and has finally put some urgency to refer me to specialists for possible autoimmune and metabolic issues. In the meantime, my coworkers have intervened and put me on medical leave from work to stabilize and rebuild. Hopefully, my organs haven’t reached complete adrenal burnout and it’s not too late to recover.

I’ve never publicly named my chronic health issues because, honestly, I didn’t want to believe I was sick. It was much easier to pathologize myself to believe that I was broken- that there was something wrong with me and that a pill could fix it. It’s quite literally and figuratively, a much easier pill to swallow than accepting that the environment I’m in is actively and slowly killing me…. I feel much more in control when I can take the other pill. (Now I totally understand why this whole red pill/blue pill metaphor works so beautifully now )

The pill I’m forced to swallow—- I am standing in the middle of my worst fear as a single mom living in late stage capitalism with a failed medical system…. Being faced with a diagnosis of a chronic illness.

(I’m not even trying to let my brain catastrophize any more than that.)

I’ve spent most of my life in survival mode, carrying a deep belief that I was a burden to others. I became hyper-independent because I thought if I could just do everything myself, I wouldn’t risk needing anyone—or being rejected. And now… I wish I would have imposed myself and became a burden much sooner instead of waiting until it got worse to ask for help.

If you feel moved to support, I’ve started a Be Well Fund to help cover out-of-pocket care, groceries, supplements, and any unexpected costs during this medical leave. I’m okay, but I’m not okay enough to weather a health crisis and keep everything afloat alone.

The irony isn’t lost on me that my body started collapsing at the same time that the ground is crumbling beneath everyone’s feet. We all just watched Daenerys Targaryen take her dragon and light Kings Landing on fire and just trying to take in the aftermath of that. So I don’t make this ask lightly.

If financially support isn’t possible,

then maybe just sending a DM to let me know how my presence in the world has impacted you personally. It would do my fighting spirit some good to know the difference I’ve made in the world so far.

Cashapp: $Cocha90

Venmo: @Courtney-Smith-822

In love and struggle,

Courtney