Jamie and I have been struggling for awhile now.  His Dad and I had a romantic relationship that I had tried to end just prior to finding out I was having Jamie.  In December of 2013 I ended my relationship with his Dad and tried to remove him from my home which led to the first physical assault.  I found out I was having Jamie and tried to make things work with him.  For Jamie.  It wasn't good.  I felt like I was living in hell.  I attempted to end the realationship again in February of 2015.   He locked me in a closet and beat me for half a day.  That day changed me forever.  I've never been the same.  Old friends can see that I've been defeated since then.   He screamed at me that I was worthless and will never be anything without him and made repeated blows to my head and abdomen.  He called me a whore and promised me he would never let me live without him and would take away everything that has ever mattered to me.  And he's succeeded for the most part.  He's taken my will, my happiness, and most of all I've never felt safe or felt like I belonged since then.  The only thing he hasn't managed to take is my amazing son Jamison.  He's tried his hardest but I've regained full custody of my son.  It's really hard.  I've filed probably 15 protective orders and dropped them all either because of manipulation by him or because things get too hard and I feel like I need someone to lean or he convinces me he's on my side.   Its been like I've been living in terror for five plus years.    I moved back to the DC area in part because it was better for Jamie to be closer to both parents and we had been getting along really well.  Within two days my ex was in my new apartment screaming at me about how horrible I was, threatening to kill me, stealing my phone, and refusing to leave.   Once I successfully got my child back In my presence I filed what I hope is the last protective order.  I can not drop this or go back again.  I'm tired of being scared.  I'm tired of not living up to my potential, and I'm scared of the damage that this is doing to my son.   I fully admit to making mistakes in this process.  But I want out of this once and for all.  We are currently in a Domestic Violence Safe House.  Our stay here expires in a few days and we aren't really sure where we are going after this.   I've been barely able to work as Jamie isn't in school yet and it's been a struggle to get him into school without the proper documents.  I pay more than half of what I make each time I work to the sitters so it's like barely surviving.   I'm working with the city and with the domestic violence advocates to attempt to get some sort of services but it's all been a huge process.   I've not shared this whole anywhere before now except in the protective orders and with the domestic violence advocates and a few close friends because I am afraid of looking weak and I do not like asking for help.  And that is part of the reason I always drop the protective orders and go back.  It's just easier.  But the cycle has to be broken. We need to feel safe again and feel like we can have a home that is a safe place... like I can have a computer or phone or laptop to work with that won't be stolen, smashed, or hacked.   I want to one month without having to change a phone number, email address, or replace a credit card because he got ahold of it.   So we are generally just asking for help.  We might need to hire a lawyer if we can't find one through the advocates, we definitely need stable housing, transportation,  food,  childcare so I can work.   Any help anyone can give is appreciated.