A Seat at the Table: Custody Share

The day this photo was taken, my daughter was born. At the time, I knew she was on her way. She was planned, the date was roughed-in months before. I kept her heartbeat recorded on my phone. I waited. I daydreamed. But no call. I did not know she existed. I did not know she arrived.

Two months to the day after that photo was taken, I received a call from my lawyer. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, a visit from my mom had already passed. I was driving on Highway 5 when the call came. I could hear my lawyer's voice break when she said, “I have some bad news.” My daughter was healthy, born on November 15th, 2024. What wasn’t expected, she was born and now resides, four hours from Santa Cruz.

I cried. I pulled over. Cried some more. Emailed my lawyer requesting the court documents filed… so I could read my daughter’s name for the first time.

Esmeralda. Born November 15, 2024.

I cried more. Sent texts to my family.

“…I’d like to call her Esme. Please do not try to contact me for the next few days.”

I read her name again,

Esmeralda… Born November 15, 2024…

Petition for Sole Legal Custody and Sole Physical Custody.

I learned my daughter’s name in a document trying to remove me from her life.

I want to co-parent. I want Esme’s mother to raise her as well. I know this is something she really wanted. I do not want to take that away. But I do want to be a part. I want to do this together. And I want all of us to be healthy. I want to enjoy the progression from theoretical or genetic father to the love and care-based role of fatherhood.

Unfortunately, I do not have what it takes to get a seat at the table. I do not have the capital for fair representation. I have already spent everything I had, used the money family could spare/go into further debt, just to find my daughter. And all I have is…

Esmeralda. Born November 15, 2024.

Court Date: February 19, 2025

Through all of this, I worked 40+ hours a week as an archaeologist, still do. I work on amplifiers for extra money. Never miss a day. I still can’t afford this. I can’t compete. My former partner comes from great wealth and access. Though it may not be fair, I need representation. Not for me, but for Esme. I have a lot to offer her. I want to share. 

Esme 

You were a dream. Imagined from inspiration, excitement, and idealism. 

You were ready, and wanted to be here. 

We wanted you 

I knew you existed, but only in theory. The time had come. I waited for the call. I waited. 

I waited in vain 

I looked for you. It wasn’t real. I didn’t know your name. There was no day. Everything disappeared, gone, not a trace. 

I looked for you 

I have yet to hold you. Our eyes not yet locked, heartbeats not yet synchronized. Time, breath, warmth, closeness unshared.  You have not yet felt the presence of your father, your permanent home inside my heart.

I looked for you 

 “Esmeralda. November 15, 2024.” 

Esme, you hold me. You hold all of me, my past, who I am, who made me, the generations I carry, the ones from before, and before that. 

We are all present in you 

We support you 

We believe in you

We are here for you 

Always 

We look for you 

We love you 

I love you

I do need to acknowledge the allegations that led to this situation and the Domestic Violence Restraining Order. I deeply believe there is absolutely no room for abuse: physical, sexual, or psychological. I believe in the protective order system. In this case, I believe it was weaponized for custody reasons.

I remain steadfast that the claim against me is 100% false and provably so. Unfortunately, I did not have legal representation in the civil court, and the burden for any proof is little if any. At the time, I did not have access to the messages that support my recollection of a nonviolent disagreement, and because civil court is not recorded, I could not appeal. (I will gladly provide any documentation.) The restraining order caused me to lose my home at Pleasure Point, my clothes, and $20,000 in guitar and recording equipment, tools, and basically anything I owned with monetary value has disappeared. I have also lost many gifts from Native Californians which carry unspoken value, but will remain in my heart.

I was homeless for two months. Living in hotels, my truck, garages etc… I had to borrow money from family to get back on my feet and find a home. I am still recovering financially. I would gladly sell my guitar equipment and tools if I can recover them. I do not know where they are currently, but I believe they are being held, and my lawyer is aware. I spent a decade collecting and rehabilitating these gems to their rock and roll non-perfection state. But that is not the current priority.

My community of friends/family/coworkers (many overlapping) has been incredible. I have to give an endless THANK YOU already. The support I have received has not only kept me together, but reinforced my commitment to building individual relationships for a greater community, and overall better world. These are the people I want Esme to meet. You are the example of love and care my daughter will witness.

I Am Ready To Meet Esme.

We Are Ready To Meet Esme.