- J
- A
- M
I have been trying to gather my thoughts to write all of this down to share with you for a while now. After a lot of back and forth, a lot of emotion, a lot of fear, and, most importantly, a LOT of prayer, I want to share with you what is the beginning of a very scary, but very real step of our lives together that we desperately need your help with.
From the moment Bruce and I began to date, I think we both knew that this was going to be “it”. We almost immediately started talking and dreaming of what we had visioned our family to look like. Perfectly married, lots of laughter with a beautiful home, four kids (yes, we dreamed of four), a dog and a couple of cats (and maybe a bunny - but let's me honest, that part is maybe more just my vision than bruce’s :P). After a year and a few months, Bruce proposed to me and we were married 7.5 months later in our dream Fall wedding in October of 2013.
After we got married and moved in together, we knew that we both wanted a family but we also wanted some time for just us before that all began, so we waited a year to start trying. Which we did, pretty much on schedule after a little bit of discussion. We weren’t very “committed” to the organized version of the process at that point (if you know what I mean) and kind of figured that if it happens it happens - we have time and this is still within our “plan”, so we will just take it as it comes!
Of course, after the first year of “no baby yet” came and went, it is something that became so much more passionate on both of our hearts. And we became more and more focused and more and more driven by it. The monthly highs of excitement - the limitless hope of names and decorating styles for the baby’s room and how we would teach them new things and the foundation of our family, quickly got trampled a few weeks later with a negative result. Again. and again. and again. and again. It, quite honestly, makes me emotional just thinking of the pain it feels in my heart every time another month comes and goes with that rollercoaster of emotions.
So, about a year and a half ago, we decided that due to the negative results (no pun intended - ok…maybe kind of a pun intended) that we needed to get “checked out” by our doctors and see what is going on. Maybe there was something simple that we needed to do differently or get under control.
To summarize, there were a few health things that they wanted me to get under control before really worrying about anything serious or taking next steps. (We know that not everyone wants or needs all of the medical details of what the doctors said and what our results are, so we are putting them on a separate page on the website. if you DO want to know all of the details, you can visit our website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/ .
OK now we are getting somewhere! - or - so I thought. My OB, also recommended the Bruce get checked out because more than 50% of the time, when trying to conceive with negative results it actually is because of something with the male even though we all assume that it has to do with the one who would be growing the baby. I know I did, especially because Bruce literally has the immune system of a statue and I am constantly getting sick and have some long term health issues between my thyroid and hereditary autoimmune issues.
However, Bruce was very supportive and admirable and had no problem getting checked. (again, if you would like the details of that - you can visit our website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/)
Through this whole process, we still had not conceived. the only way to explain this feeling of pain and disappointment is that my heart hurts. so much. It literally just feels like a piece of my heart is missing.
And, I want to be very clear that I KNOW that God hears our prayers and he hears our cries and he knows my heart (and Bruce’s). We have have been humbled and broken and covered in his love and grace and prayed over countless times for this specific situation. And I, 100% believe that God does do miracles and he is giving us a miracle through this. I just have to remind myself that sometimes I can’t see past the storm, and God’s plan on the path might be different than what my plan was to get to the destination, even though I feel with all of my heart that he planted that vision for a family in our hearts long ago. We trust in God and believe in allowing him to work in our lives.
So let’s fast forward through more months and months of this cycle. In November, Bruce and I had been so completely emotionally drained by this process and this heartache that we felt like it would be a good idea to “reset”. We took a dream vacation to Jamaica. Everything was perfectly planned. We had been told so many times that if we just get away and let the stress fade and get out of our normal environments, that we would probably get pregnant because we weren’t “trying to force it”. And I, of course, let myself believe that - as much as I convinced myself that I hadn’t. And during this trip, Bruce and I both really believed we were going to find out in a few weeks that we were going to have a wonderful announcement just in time for the holidays. But we also had a conversation that if for SOME CRAZY-WILD-OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD reason that we didn’t get pregnant, we would finally talk to a specialist to see if there was something else going on.
Well, of course, a few weeks later, there we were in the same heartbroken place. So we decided to make an appointment with a specialist. I know I personally went in with the expectation that if they did find something, we would probably just need to start with hormone injections. And maybe that would reset my system and we would conceive.
We met with a specialist through IVF of Michigan in December and he was very nice but very honest. Within 30 seconds of being in the office with us and looking at our charts, he knew what the issues were. (again, if you would like the details of that - you can visit our website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/)
Dr. Hamuud was very compassionate but very honest with us. He said hormone injections would be a waste of time and a waste of a lot of money. Because of the issue, they won’t do the job. He said really the only way for us to conceive naturally would be through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and gave us all of the details on the best plan of action with that.
Unfortunately, we live in a country that IVF is not yet covered by most insurances. And while ours does cover some of the testing, ultrasounds, etc., it does not cover any of the actual process (or the $6000+ of medications that I will need to be on during the process). It leaves us with a total cost of right around $20,000 that we will have to pay in full up front in order to start the process.
So here we are. An answer to our prayers? A scary, uncertain option? A huge amount of money we could never come up with on our own? What do we do? Is this the route we should go? How do we even get there?
Bruce and I immediately started talking and praying about it. It has been a constant thought on our minds since the moment we left the clinic.
I’m not going to lie, I feel like I actually went through the stages of grief of the loss of a child, a dream, and an idea of the way I thought everything would be my entire life and how it would just “happen”. And, through the whole process, I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and I got 3/4 through the “grief” cycle and reverted back to the beginning of it and started again.
(And even though this note is from my perspective - I think Bruce did the same thing because (even though I never saw it this way and never thought it for a second) he felt like it was HIS fault - like it was something he could control.
But I got there. (and Bruce must have gotten there right around the same time.) I got to a moment when I looked at Bruce and the “touchy” and “scary” conversation came up again, and I just had peace. Not that it would all just be ok. Not that this was going to be an easy road, not that this was 100% the answer. But this is something we will do. And we are in together. And we are trusting God to provide everything we emotionally and physically need.
THEN, this next stage of fear crept over me (which I know is terrible). It took over my thoughts - “IF and when we do this, we have to make our private lives and personal struggles and physical problems VERY VERY public.” (which I am very outgoing but overall a pretty private person unless people ask. I have no problem sharing but I am not someone who usually volunteers a lot of information about my personal life.)
PANIC set into my brain. Anxiety took over and I shut down again. Publicizing a personal journey like this opens up so many doors for so many people to judge our every step and question our process and condemn us or attack us. The fear of how we would or could ever handle that on top of the actual struggle itself felt crippling to the point I almost wanted to just give up on the idea altogether.
Then I just suddenly felt a voice in my head saying, “STOP!” It doesn’t matter. Keep your eyes focused on your dreams and on the prize. Keep your heart fixed on the creator and the one that actually can handle the weight of this. Things didn’t work out the way you planned and that's ok. So, do what you have to do to keep walking in that direction. Whew. I finally felt like I was able to exhale. And the thoughts and fears still try to creep in, but I am trying very hard to shut them out by just simply trusting in God’s hand in all of this.
This story keeps coming to my mind from when Bruce and I took that trip to Jamaica in November. One of the things Bruce really wanted to do was snorkel in the Caribbean. So we went on an excursion, went out on a catamaran that took us to this beautiful reef out in the sea. We got in the water (which, looked a LITTLE wavy from the boat but seemed calm enough - I’m a Great Lakes girl and a decent swimmer, I’m used to a little bit of wave activity - no biggie) but the water was so choppy when I got in that I felt myself not being able to control my movement and I started drifting out. I immediately went into this panic mode and actually felt myself in the beginning stages of an anxiety attack. I felt so overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. I just kept saying to Bruce, “I don't think I can do this. I am not strong enough for this. I don't think I can do this”. And iI was about to call it a day on the snorkeling experience and just get back on the safe boat and count my losses when a guide from the boat came up to us with a life preserver and asked if we needed help and if we would like her to guide us through the reef. So even though I was weary, I grabbed on to the preserver and trusted her to help guide us. And she did. And we had the MOST AMAZING experience. Probably out of everyone on the boat. Because we got the tour of the reef and we got someone who was with us to point out all of the amazing things we would have probably overlooked if we went on our own, such trumpet fish and stingrays -which no one else on the trip saw. It was one of the best parts of our vacation.
This experience kind of feels the same. there are those moments I feel like I want to panic and I want to give up. but then all of the sudden, it felt like God put a guide in front of us to help us navigate through this to have a wonderful experience.
So, this is the beginning. We are looking into grants, into multiple fundraising opportunities (which we will be posting on the website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/), and any other way we can to raise money so that we can try to have our baby and start our family. We are praying and trusting God through this whole process, which I can not reiterate enough.
What we are so humbly asking of our amazing friends and family is this:
1. MOST IMPORTANTLY, we could use your prayers. For the process. for the emotional journey. for this physical money to be raised and for the actual procedure to be successful and for a baby! Like I said before, we believe in the power of prayer and we know how important it is. Matthew 18:20 says “Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am with them” So we know that when we ask our friends and family to stand together and pray for us, we KNOW he hears the prayers!
2. We never want anyone to feel guilted or pressured, but if you feel led to donate to our cause, our journey, we would be forever thankful. Every penny for us is going to count and go towards this IVF process. If you would like to donate, we would appreciate it more than you could ever know.
3. Come and be a part of our fundraisers if you want to do something fun or get something cool while helping us out!
4. We could use your constant support and encouragement through this journey. This process alone before we start the actual IVF process can be extremely tolling and we definitely need a strong support system through it all. You have no idea! Whether it is coming to a fundraiser or just sending a word of encouragement, I know this is going to be a rollercoaster, so we appreciate it all more than you will ever know.
5. We would love for you to spread the word. The more people out there that are praying for us and supporting this process and following it and coming to fundraisers, etc, the better.
We obviously are still hoping and praying for a natural conception even though there is such a small chance. IF for some reason that does actually happen before we are able to raise the money to do IVF, we will be donating the money we raised to another family or families that are in a similar situation that we feel called to help and encourage.
We are so thankful that you took the time to read our story and this part of our journey and can pray with us and support us as we take these steps to start our family.
We love you all so much!
Love,
Bruce and Sarah McFadden
#BelievingforBabyMcFadden
From the moment Bruce and I began to date, I think we both knew that this was going to be “it”. We almost immediately started talking and dreaming of what we had visioned our family to look like. Perfectly married, lots of laughter with a beautiful home, four kids (yes, we dreamed of four), a dog and a couple of cats (and maybe a bunny - but let's me honest, that part is maybe more just my vision than bruce’s :P). After a year and a few months, Bruce proposed to me and we were married 7.5 months later in our dream Fall wedding in October of 2013.
After we got married and moved in together, we knew that we both wanted a family but we also wanted some time for just us before that all began, so we waited a year to start trying. Which we did, pretty much on schedule after a little bit of discussion. We weren’t very “committed” to the organized version of the process at that point (if you know what I mean) and kind of figured that if it happens it happens - we have time and this is still within our “plan”, so we will just take it as it comes!
Of course, after the first year of “no baby yet” came and went, it is something that became so much more passionate on both of our hearts. And we became more and more focused and more and more driven by it. The monthly highs of excitement - the limitless hope of names and decorating styles for the baby’s room and how we would teach them new things and the foundation of our family, quickly got trampled a few weeks later with a negative result. Again. and again. and again. and again. It, quite honestly, makes me emotional just thinking of the pain it feels in my heart every time another month comes and goes with that rollercoaster of emotions.
So, about a year and a half ago, we decided that due to the negative results (no pun intended - ok…maybe kind of a pun intended) that we needed to get “checked out” by our doctors and see what is going on. Maybe there was something simple that we needed to do differently or get under control.
To summarize, there were a few health things that they wanted me to get under control before really worrying about anything serious or taking next steps. (We know that not everyone wants or needs all of the medical details of what the doctors said and what our results are, so we are putting them on a separate page on the website. if you DO want to know all of the details, you can visit our website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/ .
OK now we are getting somewhere! - or - so I thought. My OB, also recommended the Bruce get checked out because more than 50% of the time, when trying to conceive with negative results it actually is because of something with the male even though we all assume that it has to do with the one who would be growing the baby. I know I did, especially because Bruce literally has the immune system of a statue and I am constantly getting sick and have some long term health issues between my thyroid and hereditary autoimmune issues.
However, Bruce was very supportive and admirable and had no problem getting checked. (again, if you would like the details of that - you can visit our website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/)
Through this whole process, we still had not conceived. the only way to explain this feeling of pain and disappointment is that my heart hurts. so much. It literally just feels like a piece of my heart is missing.
And, I want to be very clear that I KNOW that God hears our prayers and he hears our cries and he knows my heart (and Bruce’s). We have have been humbled and broken and covered in his love and grace and prayed over countless times for this specific situation. And I, 100% believe that God does do miracles and he is giving us a miracle through this. I just have to remind myself that sometimes I can’t see past the storm, and God’s plan on the path might be different than what my plan was to get to the destination, even though I feel with all of my heart that he planted that vision for a family in our hearts long ago. We trust in God and believe in allowing him to work in our lives.
So let’s fast forward through more months and months of this cycle. In November, Bruce and I had been so completely emotionally drained by this process and this heartache that we felt like it would be a good idea to “reset”. We took a dream vacation to Jamaica. Everything was perfectly planned. We had been told so many times that if we just get away and let the stress fade and get out of our normal environments, that we would probably get pregnant because we weren’t “trying to force it”. And I, of course, let myself believe that - as much as I convinced myself that I hadn’t. And during this trip, Bruce and I both really believed we were going to find out in a few weeks that we were going to have a wonderful announcement just in time for the holidays. But we also had a conversation that if for SOME CRAZY-WILD-OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD reason that we didn’t get pregnant, we would finally talk to a specialist to see if there was something else going on.
Well, of course, a few weeks later, there we were in the same heartbroken place. So we decided to make an appointment with a specialist. I know I personally went in with the expectation that if they did find something, we would probably just need to start with hormone injections. And maybe that would reset my system and we would conceive.
We met with a specialist through IVF of Michigan in December and he was very nice but very honest. Within 30 seconds of being in the office with us and looking at our charts, he knew what the issues were. (again, if you would like the details of that - you can visit our website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/)
Dr. Hamuud was very compassionate but very honest with us. He said hormone injections would be a waste of time and a waste of a lot of money. Because of the issue, they won’t do the job. He said really the only way for us to conceive naturally would be through In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and gave us all of the details on the best plan of action with that.
Unfortunately, we live in a country that IVF is not yet covered by most insurances. And while ours does cover some of the testing, ultrasounds, etc., it does not cover any of the actual process (or the $6000+ of medications that I will need to be on during the process). It leaves us with a total cost of right around $20,000 that we will have to pay in full up front in order to start the process.
So here we are. An answer to our prayers? A scary, uncertain option? A huge amount of money we could never come up with on our own? What do we do? Is this the route we should go? How do we even get there?
Bruce and I immediately started talking and praying about it. It has been a constant thought on our minds since the moment we left the clinic.
I’m not going to lie, I feel like I actually went through the stages of grief of the loss of a child, a dream, and an idea of the way I thought everything would be my entire life and how it would just “happen”. And, through the whole process, I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and I got 3/4 through the “grief” cycle and reverted back to the beginning of it and started again.
(And even though this note is from my perspective - I think Bruce did the same thing because (even though I never saw it this way and never thought it for a second) he felt like it was HIS fault - like it was something he could control.
But I got there. (and Bruce must have gotten there right around the same time.) I got to a moment when I looked at Bruce and the “touchy” and “scary” conversation came up again, and I just had peace. Not that it would all just be ok. Not that this was going to be an easy road, not that this was 100% the answer. But this is something we will do. And we are in together. And we are trusting God to provide everything we emotionally and physically need.
THEN, this next stage of fear crept over me (which I know is terrible). It took over my thoughts - “IF and when we do this, we have to make our private lives and personal struggles and physical problems VERY VERY public.” (which I am very outgoing but overall a pretty private person unless people ask. I have no problem sharing but I am not someone who usually volunteers a lot of information about my personal life.)
PANIC set into my brain. Anxiety took over and I shut down again. Publicizing a personal journey like this opens up so many doors for so many people to judge our every step and question our process and condemn us or attack us. The fear of how we would or could ever handle that on top of the actual struggle itself felt crippling to the point I almost wanted to just give up on the idea altogether.
Then I just suddenly felt a voice in my head saying, “STOP!” It doesn’t matter. Keep your eyes focused on your dreams and on the prize. Keep your heart fixed on the creator and the one that actually can handle the weight of this. Things didn’t work out the way you planned and that's ok. So, do what you have to do to keep walking in that direction. Whew. I finally felt like I was able to exhale. And the thoughts and fears still try to creep in, but I am trying very hard to shut them out by just simply trusting in God’s hand in all of this.
This story keeps coming to my mind from when Bruce and I took that trip to Jamaica in November. One of the things Bruce really wanted to do was snorkel in the Caribbean. So we went on an excursion, went out on a catamaran that took us to this beautiful reef out in the sea. We got in the water (which, looked a LITTLE wavy from the boat but seemed calm enough - I’m a Great Lakes girl and a decent swimmer, I’m used to a little bit of wave activity - no biggie) but the water was so choppy when I got in that I felt myself not being able to control my movement and I started drifting out. I immediately went into this panic mode and actually felt myself in the beginning stages of an anxiety attack. I felt so overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. I just kept saying to Bruce, “I don't think I can do this. I am not strong enough for this. I don't think I can do this”. And iI was about to call it a day on the snorkeling experience and just get back on the safe boat and count my losses when a guide from the boat came up to us with a life preserver and asked if we needed help and if we would like her to guide us through the reef. So even though I was weary, I grabbed on to the preserver and trusted her to help guide us. And she did. And we had the MOST AMAZING experience. Probably out of everyone on the boat. Because we got the tour of the reef and we got someone who was with us to point out all of the amazing things we would have probably overlooked if we went on our own, such trumpet fish and stingrays -which no one else on the trip saw. It was one of the best parts of our vacation.
This experience kind of feels the same. there are those moments I feel like I want to panic and I want to give up. but then all of the sudden, it felt like God put a guide in front of us to help us navigate through this to have a wonderful experience.
So, this is the beginning. We are looking into grants, into multiple fundraising opportunities (which we will be posting on the website at http://www.bruceandsarah.us/), and any other way we can to raise money so that we can try to have our baby and start our family. We are praying and trusting God through this whole process, which I can not reiterate enough.
What we are so humbly asking of our amazing friends and family is this:
1. MOST IMPORTANTLY, we could use your prayers. For the process. for the emotional journey. for this physical money to be raised and for the actual procedure to be successful and for a baby! Like I said before, we believe in the power of prayer and we know how important it is. Matthew 18:20 says “Where two or more are gathered in my name, there I am with them” So we know that when we ask our friends and family to stand together and pray for us, we KNOW he hears the prayers!
2. We never want anyone to feel guilted or pressured, but if you feel led to donate to our cause, our journey, we would be forever thankful. Every penny for us is going to count and go towards this IVF process. If you would like to donate, we would appreciate it more than you could ever know.
3. Come and be a part of our fundraisers if you want to do something fun or get something cool while helping us out!
4. We could use your constant support and encouragement through this journey. This process alone before we start the actual IVF process can be extremely tolling and we definitely need a strong support system through it all. You have no idea! Whether it is coming to a fundraiser or just sending a word of encouragement, I know this is going to be a rollercoaster, so we appreciate it all more than you will ever know.
5. We would love for you to spread the word. The more people out there that are praying for us and supporting this process and following it and coming to fundraisers, etc, the better.
We obviously are still hoping and praying for a natural conception even though there is such a small chance. IF for some reason that does actually happen before we are able to raise the money to do IVF, we will be donating the money we raised to another family or families that are in a similar situation that we feel called to help and encourage.
We are so thankful that you took the time to read our story and this part of our journey and can pray with us and support us as we take these steps to start our family.
We love you all so much!
Love,
Bruce and Sarah McFadden
#BelievingforBabyMcFadden
