All we want for Christmas... is help getting home.
As the time gets closer to Christmas, I am starting to get nervous. I don't have a tree up, I don't have a single gift bought. It is with a heavy heart, that I ask for your help.
Every dollar, every share, every person you share our story with is helping me get my children home for Christmas.
While most children are asking for toys and electronics, my children just want to put up their Christmas tree. They want us to bake cookies, sing Christmas carols, and go look at Christmas lights like we normally do. My children have not asked for a single item this Christmas. They ask for snacks.
My children are being so selfless right now and it is very humbling to witness. They know their mom is broken and needs to be closer to the family that lives in Arizona. I am moving then across the country at the most difficult time of the year. I am asking them to get rid of things so we can make the move. They have to leave their cousins and friends they grew up with behind. They are leaving their comfort zone and aren't thrilled about it. But they don't complain. They know that family pulls together when we need someone to lean on. I am truly blessed with amazing children.
For the past two weeks, we have been surviving on cereal and grilled cheese sandwiches. Except for a few meals the family bought for us. I have been selling items on Facebook Marketplace to get money for our trip. I have been unable to work because internet provisions were cut out here and set to be installed in Arizona at home. I am unable to work while I pack and sell more than half of our belongings. Work is allowing me to be off until I get to Arizona but it is unpaid.
I am taking a huge leap of faith to follow the journey I feel led to embrace. I know why I am on this journey.. to find inner peace so I can become who I am meant to be. My purpose in life.
Please consider donating to help us get home. Every dollar helps. Every share helps. Every time you verbally tell someone about our story helps. Any kind of help means the world to us. If you are local you can share my Facebook marketplace profile. Gift cards you haven't used or get with points from the store. Just $5 would buy my kids a snack. Or we can use it for fuel for the rental truck. I appreciate each one of you!
I need help getting my kids home for Christmas, so I can put up their Christmas tree. I need help feeding them on the way there. I need help with fuel to get us there. I need help in any way you can. We need snacks and drinks for the trip... if you are local and want to bring something by our home, please reach out to me. We are hoping to leave by Sunday.
As you are looking at your Christmas tree or your shopping list or worrying about how many gifts you need to buy your children. Know that some years you are blessed and some years you struggle. In previous years, I have been blessed to be doing just what you are doing right now. But this year, I am struggling. I can't even think about what I will buy my children for Christmas because I can barely feed them. It is times like these that make us realize how quickly life can change and we should pay it forward every chance we get.
Just remember some children ask for food instead of toys.
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The origin of our story...
Anyone: What are you?
Me: I am part Filipino.
Also Me: *What am I? ... Am I some kind of monster? Am I a lizard person? lol jk *…
Basically, sums up my whole life in one question. What are you?
*Key Moana “Who am I? I am a girl who loves her island, I am a girl who loves the sea, it calls me.”*…
Hey there, I'm Samatha, but you can call me Sammi.
I am a 34-year-old mom and wife who is mentally struggling to find peace within my own skin and trying to learn to love myself.
For as long as I can remember, people have asked me about my heritage, leaving me feeling unsure. I am finally confident enough to say I am Filipino. . I am Asian American. I am not part ... I don’t have a little in me... I am not an oriental season packet…. I am not an ingredient. I can confidently select my race on a form and not contemplate my decision.
My internal struggles with my identity subsequently cause other mental struggles. I most recently found the true meaning of... you cannot pour from an empty cup. I have decided that I must pour into myself before I can give to others. No matter how much it hurts or feels wrong, some things are necessary for my growth as a person.
I have been on a soul-searching journey for a while and have found myself at the yellow wood where two roads diverge. And I must choose a path to follow. Do I stay with what I know and what is comfortable? Or do I take the road less traveled? The path that I know is what my mind told me normal looks like. The path less traveled is the path that calls my soul. Which path would you follow... what you have always been taught or what makes your soul happy?
I can finally say, I choose me.
You may ask what that means, to choose me. It is when you do what feels good just because.
No reason, no excuse, no apologies, just because you want to.
You love yourself enough to say no. Or I have had enough. You love yourself enough to set a boundary and stick to it.
You stop putting guilt on yourself because you do something for yourself and not for others. You stop conforming to what society has told you that you need to do and start doing what feels good just for you.
It does not make you a bad parent if you are at the grocery store alone and get a special treat for yourself and do not get your kids any. I have learned to give myself some grace, that I am human too. I am not a superhero.
Life has a funny way of throwing curveballs at us, doesn't it?
I became a mom at 18 while still in high school.
I powered on through, got married, landed an office job, and thought everything was going to be normal.
But life had a different plan.
When my daughter was born, I wanted nothing more than to be a stay-at-home mom, and my wish finally came true when my husband agreed to it.
But, as fate would have it, my husband suffered a back injury that left him disabled, and I became the sole breadwinner for my family.
My dream was put on hold, and we've been fighting for support ever since. It's been a tough road, and though we've applied for disability and government assistance, we've been denied multiple times.
But we keep trying.
I struggle to buy food, I struggle to pay bills, I struggle to buy Christmas and birthday presents. I struggle to make sure my kids have more to eat than ramen noodles. I make just enough money to not qualify for assistance but not enough to pay bills and buy groceries. Being a working mom is no easy feat, but when you also must juggle a caregiver role, it's like trying to catch a unicorn! There were those days when I felt like giving up and just bawling my eyes out. Other days, I was angry that my dreams had to take a backseat. I'd look in the mirror and feel like a stranger to myself. It was like my emotions were on mute as I had to be strong and keep it together. I had to be there for my people and take care of them. How could I do that if I was falling apart? So, I bottled everything up, pushed it down, and kept going until I was numb. It was like I was floating through life in a daze, disconnected from everything and everyone. Even my children.
I landed a work-at-home job, my kids started homeschooling, and my whole family was home just like I wanted. I looked around and realized I had everything I ever prayed for.
But I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t understand why. I kept pushing, I kept searching. I often wondered why I kept circling in the same problems. Why I always had the same issues coming back to me like a boomerang. I decided that it was time for a change. I realized that I was giving so much and not putting anything back into myself that I was hurting myself. That I was not embracing my feminine energy was what I longed for. To be my feminine self because I was playing a role, I did not belong in.
So, I started working on myself and doing things for myself just because. I built a brand for myself and even made my own website.
I started a blog.
I was so excited and then never posted. I told myself life got in the way.
A few months ago, my grandmother passed away. She was the only grandparent I ever knew. I would go see her at least once a week all my life. Until the last few years of her life. When I started withdrawing from the world. I didn’t realize until she was gone that I was never too busy or too tired. But I was so burnt out that mentally I just wanted to stop.
I was so busy trying to be an independent strong woman that I forgot to take care of myself and therefore tried to pour from an empty cup. I was so scared to let everything go and release my pain because I didn’t know what would come out. I was afraid that if I broke into pieces there would be no one there to pick up my pieces since I felt like all the weight was on my shoulders, if I fell who was going to hold up my family?
It hit me like a ton of bricks! The reason I couldn’t let go and allow someone to take care of me was because I was not taught how to be loved by a man. I was raised to be independent which brought out my masculine energy. I was afraid of being abandoned because of my childhood. I didn't meet my dad until I was 10, and it left a mark on me. My identity struggle is like a question that just won't let go - what am I? And it's not just about my race, it's deeper than that. It's about where I belong and who I am at my core.
The Dr. Seuss book,
"Are You, My Mother?"
comes to mind
because I've been searching
for where I fit in,
feeling like I'm always out of place
and trying to be something I'm not.
For the longest time, my idea of "normal" was to be white, get married, have kids, and live in a fancy house with a picket fence.
I was trying to fit in and avoid the uncomfortable questions people would ask me about my identity.
I envied others and suppressed my true cultural identity because I didn't know how to be proud of it. It wasn't until later in life that I met my Filipino family and started to embrace my heritage.
I've finally realized that everything I need is already within me, I just need to find it.
I want to heal to be a better person, mom, and wife, and become who I am meant to be.
So, I'm taking a leap and moving my family to Arizona to be closer to my Filipino roots. Help me find my inner Filipino and let's embrace all parts of who we are!
I choose the road less traveled, and I will blog about it the whole way.
Organizer
