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Trauma Therapy

£2,800 of £5,000 goal

Raised by 50 people in 7 months
Between the end of May and start of June of 2018 I was sexually assaulted by the same person twice in six days.

I have fortunately found a superb trauma therapist, sadly to wait for the NHS to pull their finger out would both take time and a wait my mental health can not afford, so I had been blessed that my parents paid for a couple of initial sessions but that has now ceased.

So if you are able to help it would be gratefully appreciated towards me reclaiming my mental wealth.

The long term impact on not only my life but that of my family by this perpetrator I can't put into polite words, but to say my waking as well as sleeping moments are spent consumed with not only all he did but all he has stolen is putting it lightly,  daily my mental health is a battle as flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, dissociation (all classic symptoms of cPTSD) are prevalent on a daily basis.  The fear is real when it paralyses me leaving me unable to parent Mima as I would prefer to.

Thanks in advanced.  

In addition money from this is also being used to cover the additional burden of not feeling safe using hospitals in Leeds for treatment when Self Injury occurs due to the disassociation element of the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder which has left me no option but to attend hospital in Harrogate which per cab journey is £30.  Whilst I have to date (12/12) Self Injured 7x now, their have been complications from the injuries which have required further visits.

Hence whilst it may appear that a) the amount raised appears a lot, it has rapidly been utilised and b) in addition the total amount wont come close to the actual full cost of all the animal who so brutally vitally abused and violated me has cost me in multiple ways.

To those whom have already donated words can't express my gratitude to you.
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1 March 2019
Things have unfortunately taken a rapid downward spiral. Today is Friday, Wednesday Chris took off work to take me to a&e at 9am we got home at 4pm with the conclusion being that their are no NHS psychiatric beds in Yorshire soo I could have either a) spent a week on a trolley on the off chance a bed became available or I could come home and be under the Intensive Home Treatment Team (IHTT) so I opted for the 2nd option.

Yesterday Thursday the hallucinations both auditory and visual got too intense for me and I self injured requiring a left arm full of self dissolving stitches which were painful despite me having entenox throughout and having to get to hospital via an ambulance but for once they listened despite initally freaking me out and agreed to take me to Harrogate which is where I have had far more positive experiences thann Leeds Hospitals.

things are not good I wont sugar coat them, Id also not wish hallucinations on my worse enemy as they are scary as hell

Therapy itself is hard and exhausting but benefitical but asI am now having to see Lena in person costs have increased due to having to get ot her office hence if you are able too help itd mean a lot to me https://www.gofundme.com/ysq7wx-trauma-therapy

thank you for remaining by my side thoughtout this

Lea x
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24 Feb 2019
It may appear to you reading this that the target is almost half way reached, the grim reality of that is that nearly all money raised thus far has been spent already on either therapy or travel to therapy or travel to hospital for treatment following an episode of self injury. Whilst I last self injured December 11th 2018, these dark thoughts don't just switch off over night and are lingering in my head on a daily basis, some days I am able to calmly realise that it will be more traumatic in the long term if I was to harm but then their are other incidence when I crave and my skin pleads for the emergence of the warmth and calm to take controlw ith the irony being I have no control on these days and the damage I cause results in my health rapidly deteriorating as it is exhausting to battle urges, unles you have battled that fight or flight you can't ever fully comprehend just what a fight it is and those whom have phyiscallly provided a ear to hear me vent or a hug to enable me to feel the warmth of contact and touch in a safe way means a lot more than id like to admit, it just exhausting. The impact on myy family is devastating as Mima was 6 last month, she is not stupid she knows far more than her words can grasp and explore and I do not lie to her when it comes to my health nor do I sugar coat just how hard it is to feel that the world is out to get me and I have a choice to climb and run or to stagnate and hope the tide willtake me with it,reality kicks in and boom the devastatiion is clear for allto witness and asI hav developed infections and cellulitis I know now even a simple accident in the home can and does have far father implications as agencies stick a nose in where it is less than welcomed n preying eyes systematically dissect my ability to parent once more.

So please if you are in a place to be abl e to spare anything towards the on going cost of therapy itd mean far more to me (n Mima) than words can n would express.

Thank you in advanced if y ou do make a donation as you are by doing so enabling my family to try and do things differently
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2 weeks ago now (22nd, 23rd, 24th January) Chris had to work nights, I was apprehensive and that is putting it mildly as hadn't spent a night here just me n Mima since May.

I wished someone could have physically been here those nights, but knew Chris was a text away if I needed him, we text a fair bit between him working,

BUT THE MAIN THING I managed to fall asleep each night without panic or utter dread and fear. This is huge mainly due to since last years events I hadn't spent a night here just me and Mima without Chris and or a friend here. I am proud of me for doing this but the payback from the build up of anxiety is crippling from fatigue, lethargy and utter exhaustion.

Last friday (1st Feb) I went to see Boyzone with my best mate from school and Chris was at his place gaming it was so tempting after to get a cab to his (Mima was at my parents) but I fought the urge to cab or not as it is £15 I couldn't justify given how tight money is currently, so I managed to SLEEP AT HOME ON MY OWN WITH NO ONE HERE (well except my rainbow Owls and Dragons for company to keep me safe as allwere gifts from Chris to keep me calm n safe and have been infused with some kick ass DoTerra oils to help calm and ground me)

Thanks to Mel for offering that I could have stayed at his last Friday but I was too out of spoons to do so, so I just took meds, did a lil looming and listened to some music and slept!

Health wise the Cptsd hasnt' been too severe the last fortnight, but my CFS/ME has been kicking me hard as the on going Fibro flare that begun in Autumn 2016 is STILL going on and causing me a lot of issues but the pain side of things have settled down to a tolerable untoe curling level which is refreshingbut only natural that the CFS/ME kicks in to replace the pain now my body is slowly starting to relax.

And finally thanks again to each and everyone of you for your on going support with this funding as the therapy really is beneficial and is enabling me to process so much that I have previously tried to run and avoid. But I know I have a long journey ahead of me and as they say "Rome wasn't built in a day" and I need to be midnful of that and try pace myself. x

IF you do have any spare pennies a small donation will go a long way and will really help, as despite the funds being nearly at the half way point the vast majority has already been spent on therapy leaving me anxiety of where we go from here.

Feel able to pass the link around as it is ok not to be ok, it is ok to speak up and out about lived experience and it is crucial to get support if you are a victim of sexual violence like I was.
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Therapy is hard; not just hard but excruciatingly painful. Not only attempting to work through the traumatic events of last year which still feel very recent but enabling myself to accept past trauma and its programming has had far reaching impact on me as a 36 year old adult.

It may not sound long; but I last self injured on December 11th 2018 which is I think the longest spell Iv had since restarting due to last years trauma

Conscious of this as it still as do the impulses and thoughts fleet in and out my head several times a day consuming and engulfing me entrapping me under their guise and spell.

I vowed 2019 will be a year when I try not be mentally so hard on myself as am my own worse critic and find it so hard to admit any positives that happen to me.

Whilst I know itd be nice to aim for the year to be free from self loathing and self inflicted violence I have to be realistic and admit sometimes life takes over and emotions overcome me.

Therapy is more than having someone listen without judgement for and holding space weekly it is self awareness of what makes me tick, and mindful of my triggers even the ones i long since buried n the confidence to call out the shit that has occurred and how adults whom could have done more to prevent were negligent and enabled it to continue

Therapy is far from cheap but its benefit is something I cant financially put cost to for the long term it is enabling me not only to exist but acknowledge I have some self worth n that is far more powerful

Thank you to those whom have donated thus far n those whom have shown support in other ways no donation regardless of its size has not impacted positively on my life thank you x
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£2,800 of £5,000 goal

Raised by 50 people in 7 months
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BD
£200
Ben Dooks
16 days ago
BD
£150
Ben Dooks
1 month ago
£20
Colin McGee
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JW
£15
Jasper Williams
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£15
Catherine Taylor
2 months ago
BD
£100
Ben Dooks
2 months ago
AD
£250
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