We Need A Seedless Cucumber
Vegan Food Critic requires a hefty sum of $1 so that we can purchase and review a seedless cucumber. Only one will be purchased. We do not have the time nor the manpower to review multiple cucumbers. Any additional funds will be used to protect the cucumber.
1. Vegan Food Critic is the only critic in the world that reviews all food from a vegan perspective. This is a fact that us and no one else is proud of.
2. Is the seedless cucumber vegan? Almost definitely, but is imposssible to know for sure until we get that dollar.
3. If the particular seedless cucumbers pictured above have already been sold by the time we are funded then we will purchase a different seedless cucumber of equal or lesser value.
4. We may or may not smash the seedless cucumber after our review is complete. For science.
$10: We will promise to acquire the seedless cucumber from a reputable seller, and not buy one off the black market. Intergrity is hard.
$100: We will purchase a non-seedless cucumber to compare to our seedless cucumber. Do any differences exist between the two? We hope to find out.
$1,000: We will perform an extensive background check on the seedless cucumber to ensure that it is not a white supremacist.
$10,000: We will install a security camera on our premises. For increased security. Seedless cucumber thieves are few and and far between, but I suspect that they may indeed exist.
$100,000: We will hire an artist to paint the seedless cucumber, so that all your generous donations will be immortalized through fine art. Possibly Cubism.
$1,000,000: We will transform the seedless cucumber into a big dumb pickle. With this, the circle of life will be complete.