Stubborn Woman Finally Seeks Help

Before I say anything else, I need to get this off my chest: I really do not want to do this. 

You're probably thinking to yourself, "Of course not, Alexis! No one wants to have to feel like an Internet tambourine-bearing beggar in order to achieve a feeling of basic human dignity and comfort that they are entitled to! Capitalism is shit like that!" - but you don't understand.

*I* cannot ask for help.

I'm the one who is supposed to be a provider and break my back trying to prove a point to the mythical chorus of MFers in my head about just how strong I can be. Like being a competitor on American Ninja Warrior, but instead I'm a Black, queer, disabled woman who was just diagnosed with a second chronic neurological  disease and who has PTSD that made her think posting this would literally kill her. 

(I'm clearly still alive.)

Y'all can see why this is off-brand for me.

So here's the 411: my nerves are basically being as scandalous as I aspire to be in my keyboard warriorship and off-Internet, troublemaking socialite, slutty menagerie of pseudo-intellectualism and bad jokes. You see, they're stripping off their outer sheaths and setting the world (a.k.a., me) on fire as they do it. Rage against the machine! Sheaths are the system! That kinda deal. Those are the types of cracks Steven Crowder would make, but I have taste and a good sense of humour, so I'm just going to honor my nerves and their free choice to let their axons and dendrites do as they are want to do, without shaming them for fighting the power in this unrespectable yet effective manner.

This whole neuron strippers-at-a-rave business my body is up to comes and goes in phases. Like any good scandalous queens do to keep their audience entranced and guessing, my nerves don't always let me know what tricks are up their sleeves (or lack thereof.) But the gag is, my rent doesn't go in waves and neither does my RCN bill, both of which I need to pay in order to work because I'm self-employed. What's that about private insurance, you say? Do I have any to help with my medical care? Tuh. Do I look like a white man working in Silicon Valley who can molest and harass women and still be given a $90m severance package to you? Didn't think so! That's why I'm here, making funnies and asking for a dollar to get on with the get on.

I had my first exacerbation in September - during which my life flashed before my eyes - only to simultaneously realize I'm a passive-aggressive c*nt about getting my needs met. From there, I arrived at the epiphany that PTSD makes me feel like I'm going to die every time I ask for help, take up space, or admit that I'm vulnerable, and that was a huge part of why I ended up screaming in pain all alone in an old ass house in New Orleans, begging for Gxd to put me out of my misery because I had to do bad all by myself or whatever. Something something, I'm a warrior, something something. This, ironically, triggered off my warrior impulses (hat tip to you, Aries Midheaven) to face the scariest of challenges (i.e., asking for help) with the loudest of mouths and now we're here. Tada! 

This GoFundMe is meant to give me 3 months to shift gears in my business + support my quest to drastically re-arrange my life so stress and trauma aren't driving me into an early grave.

I live by myself and my nearest family are all 20-30 minutes away, so I don't have a lot of local community support or family resources to draw on for some day-to-day things around my house. I'm also starting with lifestyle changes because the medications my neurologist recommended are scary as f*ck and ~$16,000/month with a free coupon if I can find a Walmart in the Chicagoland area. 

The money raised here will cover the following for 90 days:
>> Nutrition Support - Namely, hiring an assistant at a fair wage to help me prepare food because muscle weakness made me almost scald myself and because I have bulimia, so eating is a major point of stress and emotional strain.

>> Medical Care - Seeing a specialist OB/GYN to get a better handle on my PCOS and getting back on my medications for that. Also: not-so-hippie supplements. Thems too.

>> Pain Management - Regular bodywork so that I can sleep and function with reduced frequency of migraine and muscle tension. Also working with a personal trainer to learn how to exercise safely with proper modifications for my condition, and access to a local gym that has a pool and a variety of classes that are also safe for my body. 

>> The 2.9% + .30 Payment Processor Fee - Because the bourgeoise always take a cut, I padded out my goal a little.

If you love my writing and want to see more of it  - 12/10 recommend donating.

I can outwork many things, but this I can't. That's the genuine urgency GoFundMe has encouraged me - in their helpful copy tips - to inform you of.  In addition, winter is coming, and these nerves get on my nerves and make it suitably impractical for me to sleep in a box or under a bridge, so getting back to work is kind of important because my landlord refuses all my cheques written out in the currency of 'exposure', 'clout', or 'make fragile privileged people mad again'.

At the absolute minimum, consider throwing a couple of bucks in if only because you're a selfish bastard who likes to laugh at my artful absurdity. 

My skill at writing copy has to be worth at least a $1.

XO,
Alexis


P.S. - 

Thank you for your time, support, and energy, no matter how it shows up. Always.