A Path to Discovering Rachel
$31,791 of $50k goal
I have been through so much as you can imagine, from childhood trauma to what I've put myself through as an adult. Throughout my entire life, I have battled severe depression and anxiety which I have been able to hide through a variety of ways...until now. When I entered into the adult industry at age 18 as an escape from my childhood and to find myself, I never imagined how much worse things could become. I have spent the last decade masking my pain and losing myself even more so as doctors prescribed me mountains of benzodiazapines to make me feel better. I don't feel better. I've never felt worse.
I have been in outpatient therpay since the age of 18 as I've tried to fight this dibilatating depression and anxiety. The benzodiazapines are highly addictive and even though I take them as prescribed, my mind and body are physically dependent on them.
As many of you know, drug dependecy is far more than getting off the drug itself. It is about getting out from under the weight of that drug and all the damage it does and finding out who you really are. It is about acquiring the tools to figure out how to cope and really just learning how to live again.
It's time to take charge of my life again. I finally told someone I need help and as scary as it is, I need to remove myself from this life as much as possible to have a shot. The cost of three months in an inpatient treatment center that is best suited for me is an astounding $50,000. Other facilities were as much as $150,000 for up to 90 days but based on the recommendation of Dr. Drew, I have found a program that will be about $50,000 for the initial 45 days of inpatient care. I have health insurance that includes some behavioral health coverage but it is very limited to local treatment centers, and they are not equipped to help someone in my position.
I'd like to go as soon as possible. Within the next 30 days if possible. They said they have a bed and medical team ready to take me in.
This means so much to me because you'll be giving me my life back. I am technically living now but not LIVING. I spend all day locked in my house, scared to even go to the grocery store or post office. My mental illness has made me so sick that it is causing pain all over my body that leaves me in bed all day long. I often have feelings of ending it all, even now writing this- I feel like a burden to you. I can't help but think that maybe I really would be doing the world a favor if I...made a bad choice.
I want my life back. I want to find out who Rachel Oberlin really is. Bree Olson has consumed my life and I've let her because I thought success is money but it's not.
I will be so grateful if you help me. Even if only a dollar, you can be assured that you're helping me get my life back. I want to spend time with my family. I want to feel the sun on my face. I want to be able to go to the gas station without feeling like I'm going to pass out from a panic attack. I've helped so many people through my lifetime--both financially and just being there for them. I hope that karma finally comes back around and that I am able to raise these funds without judgement but with open hearts that want to help change a life...save a life. Thank you so much for reading my story. As if finally admitting I need help wasn't enough, I had to humble myself to ask for finacial help too. The internet can sometimes be the worst burden to me in terms of pain and how people treat me. I hope today is the day that I am able to start over with a new sense of hope and optimism and get to somewhere soon thanks to people like you.
Thank you for saving me.
WHY SO MUCH AND WHY ISN'T IT COVERED BY YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE?
*Courtesy of TheFix.com
Sticker shock is the first response most people have to addiction [and behavioral health] treatment services. Mid-price [mid-range] treatment centers start around $30,000 per month and many in that range are not-for-profit. [Dual-diagnosis] treatment centers are more expensive and can easily cost $60,000 per month or more. Keep in mind too that it is a myth that treatment should run 28-30 days. This was a designation created by insurance companies, not addiction treatment professionals, psychologists, or physicians. To get a real grasp on recovery, in the best case scenario, most people require longer-term treatment, with 90-120 days of residential treatment followed by a comprehensive aftercare program. In reality, to give yourself or your loved one a solid foundation in recovery, expect to spend between $100,000 and $250,000 in the first year, assuming insurance covers none of the treatment costs. Take a moment and breathe. Now that you’ve pulled yourself off the floor, think about what you are undertaking. If your loved one had heart disease or cancer and required specialized treatment, you would expect to receive medical bills to go along with the treatment. Addiction [and depression and anxiety are] no different. To get out of paying for quality addiction treatment, many insurers require addicts to “fail out” of outpatient treatment before higher levels of care will be covered. The problem with this is that those who “fail” frequently do so by overdosing and dying. Can you imagine what you would say if your insurance company required that your loved one with cancer “fail” a treatment known to have a very low success rate before providing a treatment with a higher success rate…all the while the cancer is growing and progressing? This is one of the hidden financial repercussions of addiction. Treatment costs money."
I have and always have had health insurance. I have Anthem HMO which literally covers the bare minumum when it comes to my health care. In recent years, insurance companies have really stripped down behavioral health coverage. My only options are within a very small radius of my home in Indiana and every option falls tremendously short of my needs. This is why I have to go outside of what my insurance "covers". I am trying to set myself up to succeed and what is covered doesn't come close.
MORE ABOUT ME:
My aspirations in life after in-patient therapy are to of course continue outpatient therapy. I also want to continue working on myself and making positive and healthy choices. I'd like to go back to school, majoring in literary arts and to become a writer. I'd love to help people (women and girls in particular) that have also had difficult upbringings to make better choices going into adulthood. I truly believe in my ability to reach and help people, I already do each day, but I can't do my best until I help myself.
I recently had my sister move in with me to help her out while she's in college. She will be the first person on my mother's side of the family to graduate. I encourage her every day to reach her goals and although I've been financially there for her, I need to be there mentally and emotionally as well. I am just about the only family she has left. I have two cats, Dr. Sniffles has been with me since I was homeless, which was before I went into porn. She is 10 years old. Princess Netty-Puff is the newer addition and is 4 years old. I love them dearly and they are definitely my fur babies.
When I was a child, my family didn't have money for most things, even food at times. My mother was a schizophrenic and home was honestly a living nightmare for me. I have been a very nervous and scared girl for as long as I can remember. I feel like one of the reasons I turned to sex is because it is the only time I don't think about my issues. It is my escape from reality. When I learned I could make so much money in porn, I didn't even question it. Seeing that I had no support system, no one stood in my way or even realized I was gone. Due to the circumstances at home, I left when I was 15 and never looked back. I wasn't afforded opportunities like sports, music, proms and so forth.
Now as an adult, I have tried to make up for lost time and doing some of the things most do as a child. I play the piano and go to practice every Monday. We never went on a vacation so I recently took my little sister to the Smokey Mountains. There are cracks of sunlight in my life, where I see myself trying. I keep pushing and trying to be the person I deserve. The person my little sister deserves. I know that with this therapy I can finally fulfill my goals to the fullest.
I am quite certain that my therapy will be a success because change is something I always wanted. Since I've been 18, I have seen therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists all on my own every week. Ive been looking for answers, structure, life lessons and overall direction on just how to be better. I have come a long way but I know now that nothing would turn my life around like in patient treatment center specifically tailored to my needs.
There is much more than meets the eye with me in terms of things I'm dealing with and how I feel.
I've suffered a life of fear, anxiety and panic attacks that have put me in the ER. I struggle with depression that runs so deep sometimes I can't even get out of bed. I've been here in Indiana the last 6 months and haven't left the house to see a friend --not once. I struggle with gender identity and have always identified as a male. I have done everything in my power to be as much of a woman as possible--even working all the way to sex icon status. The heels, the blonde hair...I don't think it is at all me but a gender identity specialist will be able to help me to figure out what is going on and what to do.
All of this negative media attention...nobody knows what it's like to have your whole career as a sex icon be destroyed by people thinking you are HIV positive. I support the HIV+ and AIDS community. It is still devastating to see comments like, "Go kill yourself now bitch. Do us all a favor and get rid of your disease riddled ass. At best you'd make a decent slave and even by that, I'd be doing you a favor."
That's a real comment to me from someone on a YouTube video. Even the most healthy person would be brought to their knees by the constant hate and slander on the Internet. I need a place to help me manage better in these situations. Someone that can give me a better answer than, "Stay off the internet". The place I'm going to specializes in helping known figures. They are used to their patients having stalkers, Internet hate, friends and family that have stolen money from them, dilemmas on changing career paths--even if the old were lucrative.
This isn't the most plush treatment center (yes, there are ones out there much more than this) and I'm not going to be horseback riding on the countryside. It does offer the most 1-on-1 care over any other facility in the US and the one of the highest success rates in the world. Going away for 3 months is the hardest decision I've ever made. It's a big step and a lot of money so I am making sure to go where I have the greatest odds of success. They specialize in women that have used sex hide their issues and addictions, they help in prescription medication dependence and even more specifically, they work with people that only take what the doctor prescribes to them. Insurance doesn't consider that addiction, even though I am highly physically and emotionally dependent on this drug.
If there's anything else you guys would like to learn or know about, by all means let me know. I don't mind sharing my life with people willing to help at all. Thank you all so much.
All donations go directly to cost of an in-patient treatment program and not to my mortgage, bills, flights, or any other expenses while I am home or in treatment. I am refinancing my home and selling my possessions to take care of those things. I have also lowered the amount needed as I found a treatment center after Dr. Drew's recommendation that is much less expensive than our initial search.
Please see attached letter (2 pages) with an update and personal thank you to each and every donor (as of 5-5-2016).
"I wanted to say a huge thank you to the following people that donated non-anonymously and of course all...:..
(see attached letter for more, including your personal thank you.....)
Much love and gratitude from Rachel today and always!
To all of my financial and emotional supporters of my GoFundMe for my recovery:
I'm here! Also, please forgive my handwriting - I live in a typing world-minus these 45 days (see photo of letter).
I just got here yesterday and today was my first full day. I am in excellent care and in groups and therapy all day long. They keep us busy here for sure. They are already tapering me off my prescription medications and I feel like CRAP but I am strong and will come out on the other side.
From what I gather, getting off is the small part and staying off requires all areas to be worked on. I am discovering things in here that I never even knew in 11 years of outpatient therapy as an adult.
The rooms are like college dorms and there are 3 girls to a room. But everyone is so nice so it's like a 24/7 support group. The food is like cafeteria food but I like cafeteria food! Lol
I can't believe I'm in here and it's thanks to all of you. Wow. You're really amazing. Thank you.
You guys, this is it, I still need more but I'll figure it out once I'm in there, I have enough to go and I'm booking my flight tonight to leave by Wednesday next week. All I can say is thank you. I won't let you down. I'm excited to pack! I'm excited for a much improved life. For anyone that's been with me a long time, you've seen how much I've donated and helped others. It came back around! The karma always comes back. Thank you guys again so much. I will coordinate with April and Suzy on getting updates to you guys while I'm in there. I love you all.