Michelle's Neck Surgery Fund
Donation protected
It’s true what they say…. pain changes you… irreparably and in ways you cannot even imagine.
There are now two sides of myself. The side that can no longer take a single moment more of the agony pain brings, the kind of pain that demands to be felt, that leaves you screaming inside… And then there is the side of me that knows this cannot be how my story ends, that there are people depending on me even though I have let them done repeatedly. The most important being my kids, who have seen the good and bad of the pain, who have endured more than ever should have to at their age.
Me being here means I HAVE FAILED. I have failed my kids, my family, my friends, and worst of all I have failed myself. I can’t do this alone anymore so here I am asking for help. Those who know me can probably guess that I am sitting here crying trying to write this because it is just not me! I am not one to ask for help, ever!
Most people look at me and see the smile on my face, the smile that so easily hides the girl that’s inside – the girl who is hopeless, lost, and completely broken down. The one with the deep need to prove myself, to push myself past my limits and achieve what people don’t believe I’m capable of. But I see her less and less these days. Days fade and bleed into one another. Minutes begin to feel like hours, hours like days, days seem like weeks, and weeks feel like years…with only one remaining constant: the pain.
My last MRI of my cervical neck revealed the following condition(s):
• Degenerative disc disease
• Bulging/herniated disc
• Spinal stenosis
• Foraminal narrowing
• Facet disease
After speaking with several doctors I need a combination of these procedures:
• Foraminotomy — Relieves pressure on the nerve root as it exits the spinal cord.
• Laminotomy — Relieves pressure on the spinal cord compressed by spinal stenosis.
• Discectomy — Removes the portion of a herniated or bulging disc that’s pressing on a nerve root or the spinal cord.
• Facet thermal ablation — The primary procedure to treat arthritis, and is most often performed in conjunction with a decompression, it relieves painful nerves in the facet joint, using a laser.
Now the frustrating part. My insurance will approve me to go to UTMC in Toledo to have surgery there. It is open neck, 6-8 inch incision, 12 weeks off work and the possibility of 9-15 months of physical therapy 3 times a week. So the possibility of a year of only being able to work part time. How does insurance think anyone can afford that? Especially a single parent!
I have looked into other hospitals and also the Laser Spine Institute with an office based out of Cleveland. The Laser Spine Institute can do the surgery and I will only be off work for 1 week! No physical therapy and only a 1 inch incision! This is a great option but I need to come up with $7,000 down and can finance the rest. Once all fixed up and back to being pain free (which I haven’t been in over 6 years now) the plan is to get a second job and get the loan paid off ASAP!
I will never understand the way big pharma works, all they want is money. What kind of sense does it make to spend several hundred thousands of dollars for surgery, meds, physical therapy and have so much in lost wages and the hassle of having someone drive you around for months but not cover the $25,000 at somewhere like the Laser Spine Institute. Why is the option with almost no time off work and faster recovery an “elective surgery”?
As a single parent how can anyone survive like that? It is clear they don’t take anything else into account but the money they can make. Insurance told me to file for food stamps and cash assistance while I can’t work full time. Don’t get me wrong these are great programs when people need them but it should not be how you survive so your insurance company can make money!
Before chronic pain, I took so much for granted. I was too busy to enjoy the simple things in life, to see the incredible beauty of the world around me. Pain brought with it the realization of my stubbornness and selfishness. It gave me immense patience, which was something I was severely lacking. It also made me more empathetic. It brought profound compassion and the ability to understand more of the struggles some people must face.
I think, as you get older, you must face certain realizations. You get to a point in your life where everything’s just different. Life changes dramatically and everything you once knew is over. I’m beginning to see it in the difficulties my grandparents faced. I never imagined being in my late 30s and comprehending many of the struggles they face: the pain, mobility issues, the isolation and boredom, the doctors and all the prescriptions. How hard it is just to make dinner to feed the kids, do dishes(no we do not have a dishwasher), or even clean the house.
We all know life is a gamble. So here I am gambling on the fact that some stranger may feel the urge to help, even just a little. Anything can happen at any given moment that can alter your life forever. I am blessed for this life that I’ve been given. I have a family that is far better than I have ever deserved. I have known so much love and have family willing to travel from out of state to come help when it is surgery time. If I can’t come up with the money for the Laser Spine Institute it will sooner or later lead to surgery and me being out of work for months and months. I am not sure at that point how we will be able to keep our place to live or even the power on but somehow, some way it will happen. The pain is getting to the point it hurts to walk some days, it hurts to just plain move at all. Something needs to be done and soon. I am just hoping to find a little help so I can be off work the least amount of time necessary and be able to provide for my kids again. We all must face the light and the darkness in our lives, for we cannot truly appreciate one without the other.
In the beginning of this story I told you about how there are now two sides of myself. There are so many ways in which chronic pain has changed me and I feel the constant pulls from every direction. From the person I used to be, from the reality of what my life now holds, from the wish I have for my future, as well as so many more. Even though it feels like decades have spanned the mere six years I have struggled, I can still remember the girl I once was. It’s a struggle to be trapped – trapped between the accomplishments of my past and a future I wish for and envision so desperately for myself, but may never have come to pass. Pain has trapped me here, and it constantly reminds me of the realities I now face. And yes, I can push that reality, and I can fight the pain, but you see…I don’t win those battles. When the boundaries are pushed, I must face the harsh reality of pain, and ultimately I pay the price of this battle, which equates to an exhaustion and level of fatigue I didn’t even know possible, and yes, you guessed it, even more pain! The level of pain is nothing I can put into words but I can tell you that most days end in crying myself to sleep at night because that is the only way I sleep.
Slowly I am beginning to feel this fog lift over me. Especially this last year I have been in a very dark place. Simply going through the motions… You know what they say… fake it until you make it. I have become a master of hiding the pain and suffering. So many have no idea what I go through every day. In fact I am sure some of them are reading this now and are shocked! But I only keep things to myself to protect my family, protect them from my pain and struggling, because that is one of the worst parts of it all. It’s hard to look into the eyes of the people you love and see how all of my pain and struggling affects them, the added stress and the sadness they experience seeing someone they care about hurt so deeply. So I hide a lot – all that I can.
People don’t understand the depth to which pain takes you. The only breaks I may have from my pain, are in sleep or in death, and sleep comes so rarely. I’m sorry this isn’t the story of a girl who beat the odds, who went through ridiculous obstacles and came out on the other side. I want to change that, to continue this story to the girl who could finally afford surgery and changed her life and that of her kids with just a little help. To be the girl who has the energy to volunteer in the community again, the girl who could go back to the gym and lose the weight she put on, the girl would spend the entire day running around with her kids and be able to relax at night not just crawl into bed and cry herself to sleep.
So, if you can take anything from this, I hope you take this out of it… Please believe the people in your life who struggle with chronic illnesses. They feel horrible for everything they miss and hate themselves for it. I think of the birthday parties, dance recitals of my nieces, sporting events of nieces and nephews and I just want to cry for not being there. I am so lucky to have the friends and family that I do. They have supported me more than I could have ever asked for, and they try so hard to understand what I am facing in my life now.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this and helping if you can. Please don’t donate if it means you will go without something. That is the last thing I want or would ask for. I can’t tell you how much appreciate you just taking the time to read this and considering helping.
There are now two sides of myself. The side that can no longer take a single moment more of the agony pain brings, the kind of pain that demands to be felt, that leaves you screaming inside… And then there is the side of me that knows this cannot be how my story ends, that there are people depending on me even though I have let them done repeatedly. The most important being my kids, who have seen the good and bad of the pain, who have endured more than ever should have to at their age.
Me being here means I HAVE FAILED. I have failed my kids, my family, my friends, and worst of all I have failed myself. I can’t do this alone anymore so here I am asking for help. Those who know me can probably guess that I am sitting here crying trying to write this because it is just not me! I am not one to ask for help, ever!
Most people look at me and see the smile on my face, the smile that so easily hides the girl that’s inside – the girl who is hopeless, lost, and completely broken down. The one with the deep need to prove myself, to push myself past my limits and achieve what people don’t believe I’m capable of. But I see her less and less these days. Days fade and bleed into one another. Minutes begin to feel like hours, hours like days, days seem like weeks, and weeks feel like years…with only one remaining constant: the pain.
My last MRI of my cervical neck revealed the following condition(s):
• Degenerative disc disease
• Bulging/herniated disc
• Spinal stenosis
• Foraminal narrowing
• Facet disease
After speaking with several doctors I need a combination of these procedures:
• Foraminotomy — Relieves pressure on the nerve root as it exits the spinal cord.
• Laminotomy — Relieves pressure on the spinal cord compressed by spinal stenosis.
• Discectomy — Removes the portion of a herniated or bulging disc that’s pressing on a nerve root or the spinal cord.
• Facet thermal ablation — The primary procedure to treat arthritis, and is most often performed in conjunction with a decompression, it relieves painful nerves in the facet joint, using a laser.
Now the frustrating part. My insurance will approve me to go to UTMC in Toledo to have surgery there. It is open neck, 6-8 inch incision, 12 weeks off work and the possibility of 9-15 months of physical therapy 3 times a week. So the possibility of a year of only being able to work part time. How does insurance think anyone can afford that? Especially a single parent!
I have looked into other hospitals and also the Laser Spine Institute with an office based out of Cleveland. The Laser Spine Institute can do the surgery and I will only be off work for 1 week! No physical therapy and only a 1 inch incision! This is a great option but I need to come up with $7,000 down and can finance the rest. Once all fixed up and back to being pain free (which I haven’t been in over 6 years now) the plan is to get a second job and get the loan paid off ASAP!
I will never understand the way big pharma works, all they want is money. What kind of sense does it make to spend several hundred thousands of dollars for surgery, meds, physical therapy and have so much in lost wages and the hassle of having someone drive you around for months but not cover the $25,000 at somewhere like the Laser Spine Institute. Why is the option with almost no time off work and faster recovery an “elective surgery”?
As a single parent how can anyone survive like that? It is clear they don’t take anything else into account but the money they can make. Insurance told me to file for food stamps and cash assistance while I can’t work full time. Don’t get me wrong these are great programs when people need them but it should not be how you survive so your insurance company can make money!
Before chronic pain, I took so much for granted. I was too busy to enjoy the simple things in life, to see the incredible beauty of the world around me. Pain brought with it the realization of my stubbornness and selfishness. It gave me immense patience, which was something I was severely lacking. It also made me more empathetic. It brought profound compassion and the ability to understand more of the struggles some people must face.
I think, as you get older, you must face certain realizations. You get to a point in your life where everything’s just different. Life changes dramatically and everything you once knew is over. I’m beginning to see it in the difficulties my grandparents faced. I never imagined being in my late 30s and comprehending many of the struggles they face: the pain, mobility issues, the isolation and boredom, the doctors and all the prescriptions. How hard it is just to make dinner to feed the kids, do dishes(no we do not have a dishwasher), or even clean the house.
We all know life is a gamble. So here I am gambling on the fact that some stranger may feel the urge to help, even just a little. Anything can happen at any given moment that can alter your life forever. I am blessed for this life that I’ve been given. I have a family that is far better than I have ever deserved. I have known so much love and have family willing to travel from out of state to come help when it is surgery time. If I can’t come up with the money for the Laser Spine Institute it will sooner or later lead to surgery and me being out of work for months and months. I am not sure at that point how we will be able to keep our place to live or even the power on but somehow, some way it will happen. The pain is getting to the point it hurts to walk some days, it hurts to just plain move at all. Something needs to be done and soon. I am just hoping to find a little help so I can be off work the least amount of time necessary and be able to provide for my kids again. We all must face the light and the darkness in our lives, for we cannot truly appreciate one without the other.
In the beginning of this story I told you about how there are now two sides of myself. There are so many ways in which chronic pain has changed me and I feel the constant pulls from every direction. From the person I used to be, from the reality of what my life now holds, from the wish I have for my future, as well as so many more. Even though it feels like decades have spanned the mere six years I have struggled, I can still remember the girl I once was. It’s a struggle to be trapped – trapped between the accomplishments of my past and a future I wish for and envision so desperately for myself, but may never have come to pass. Pain has trapped me here, and it constantly reminds me of the realities I now face. And yes, I can push that reality, and I can fight the pain, but you see…I don’t win those battles. When the boundaries are pushed, I must face the harsh reality of pain, and ultimately I pay the price of this battle, which equates to an exhaustion and level of fatigue I didn’t even know possible, and yes, you guessed it, even more pain! The level of pain is nothing I can put into words but I can tell you that most days end in crying myself to sleep at night because that is the only way I sleep.
Slowly I am beginning to feel this fog lift over me. Especially this last year I have been in a very dark place. Simply going through the motions… You know what they say… fake it until you make it. I have become a master of hiding the pain and suffering. So many have no idea what I go through every day. In fact I am sure some of them are reading this now and are shocked! But I only keep things to myself to protect my family, protect them from my pain and struggling, because that is one of the worst parts of it all. It’s hard to look into the eyes of the people you love and see how all of my pain and struggling affects them, the added stress and the sadness they experience seeing someone they care about hurt so deeply. So I hide a lot – all that I can.
People don’t understand the depth to which pain takes you. The only breaks I may have from my pain, are in sleep or in death, and sleep comes so rarely. I’m sorry this isn’t the story of a girl who beat the odds, who went through ridiculous obstacles and came out on the other side. I want to change that, to continue this story to the girl who could finally afford surgery and changed her life and that of her kids with just a little help. To be the girl who has the energy to volunteer in the community again, the girl who could go back to the gym and lose the weight she put on, the girl would spend the entire day running around with her kids and be able to relax at night not just crawl into bed and cry herself to sleep.
So, if you can take anything from this, I hope you take this out of it… Please believe the people in your life who struggle with chronic illnesses. They feel horrible for everything they miss and hate themselves for it. I think of the birthday parties, dance recitals of my nieces, sporting events of nieces and nephews and I just want to cry for not being there. I am so lucky to have the friends and family that I do. They have supported me more than I could have ever asked for, and they try so hard to understand what I am facing in my life now.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this and helping if you can. Please don’t donate if it means you will go without something. That is the last thing I want or would ask for. I can’t tell you how much appreciate you just taking the time to read this and considering helping.
Organizer
Michelle Hathaway
Organizer
Wauseon, OH
