Megan Twist's Country Single

Hello world, I am Megan Twist. Country musician and singer/songwriter. It took me a long time to be able to tell my story and bring awareness to mental health. I am not looking for sympathy, I just want other people to know they are not alone and maybe help the people around me understand a bit more. Here is my story...

I have struggled with depression since I was 16 years old, OCD within the last year and anxiety ever since I can remember. It affects everything in my life. As a musician I have an image to keep up, I am amazing at hiding it. Probably something to do with all the acting lessons I had when I was a child. This is not something I am used to sharing with a lot of people, some of my friends and family know, but not the full extent. But I felt that there's a lot of stigma around mental health issues and it's not something I should be ashamed of. 

I am currently on antidepressants and hard core sleep medication because I don't sleep. I can't sleep, no matter how hard I try. And when I do sleep, I can't get up. Sometimes Ativan too. 

A lot of my issues are push and pull and confusing to everyone, including myself.

Depression makes me want to curl up into a ball and just simply lay. I am not living when I am in this state, I am just existing. It feels like a emptiness inside and a weight on your chest. I have no motivation and I feel like there is no point for me to go on. It feels as though life is nothing. 

With mild OCD, I check things. Over and over. I try to stop, I know I've checked it, double checked it, but I physically cannot pull myself away. I look and look, it's exhausting. I have a huge list of things I need to check before I leave my home and before bed. I check them over and over again, it's not a specific number of times, but I keep doing it even though I know it's fine. It is physically and emotionally draining. It's like I battle with myself every time I check. I know I've checked it, but I need to check it again and again.

Anxiety is like the annoying, manipulating friend you really don't want. It's with me no matter what I do and where I go. I suffer from two different types of attacks. Anxiety attack and panic attack. For me specifically, anxiety attacks happen everyday, multiple times. People usually can't tell when I'm having one. My heart pounds, I shake, my breathing shortens, I sweat and inside I feel like my heart is being squeezed and my insides are freezing up. I am great at hiding this type of attack because it happens with most activities I do. The other attack I suffer from is a panic attack. These are terrifying, basically I am hysterical. I can't breathe and I hyperventilate. I cry, shake, panic and physically cannot control myself. These are very obvious to outsiders and frankly looks like I'm having a medical emergency. They can be very dangerous if I am not calmed down, or brought to a safe space. These don't happen very often for me, but when they do, it feels like I am dying. 

Anxiety is everywhere with me. Take a simple example of meeting a friend for a drink. The act of driving to the bar, finding a parking spot, walking to the door, opening the door, finding my friend, sitting down, ordering a drink, paying, talking... everything. Every small action in this situation triggers anxiety attacks for me. 

I used to drive no problem, but since being provoked by anxiety attacks more often, sometimes I start to shake and am forced to pull over. Sometimes during conversation with people I need to have a smoke break just to collect myself. 

Battling anxiety, depression and OCD is a daily struggle. People ask me why I am so tired all the time. Besides my sleep issues, it's due to the struggle. It's very primal actually. When experiencing an anxiety attack, my brain shuts off most of its functions because it thinks I am in physical, immediate danger. Basically, when our ancestors were being chased by a predator in the wild, they would run for their lives. The brain shuts off things like writing skills and rational thoughts and it's only concern is giving the muscles enough adrenaline to run away from the predator. For me, my brain does this when I drive my car, or walk down the street, or simply live my life. So it shuts off rational thinking and basically says "you're in grave danger, get out!" This floods my muscles with adrenaline, but guess what? Usually I'm just sitting in my car, or waking into a store. My body doesn't need the same amount of adrenaline as if I was running from a murderer. But it gets it. I am always physically and emotionally exhausted because this happens with most daily activities that I do. My brain and body have basically just ran for their lives, so of course I'm tired. It sucks. 

I have had lots of therapy, both solo and group. I'm on medication and I try and challenge myself. I have some tools and exercises to use and they help a little bit. But this is an ongoing journey that will probably never end. I will gain more tools to manage it and be able to live a more comfortable life. I will continue to get help from where ever I can and grow as a person. It's a never ending process of learning and growing. I'm working on it. I have good and bad days, just like everyone else. My bad days may be debilitating, but they are learning experiences. 

I have been struggling for a long time and not getting better. In July of 2015 I had a break down. I called in sick to work and never went back. I physically and emotionally am not capable of working my 9-5 job at this point in time. I think eventually I will be able to go back, because I did enjoy it, but for now it's not possible. I felt at the time that if I didn't stop working I would have a complete mental breakdown and maybe not be on the earth anymore. So I took the initiative to take the time to really focus on myself. Ive been to the hospital, I've seen psychologists, psychiatrists, doctors, I've gone to group therapy, I've started to go for walks. I am beginning my journey to better cope with my demons and diseases. These issues are diseases, it is not your fault if you suffer. It is not my fault  that I suffer. 

I am currently off on disability and working hard to gain more tools to function better in society. Disability pays you nothing, it's 50% of what I would make working a full time job. I'm not complaining, I have a home, a car and food to eat. I have a family and friends. I appreciate the people in my life and I have love and gratitude. I'm on a strict budget, but I'm doing ok! 

Now for the musician part of me: 

Music is my life. If I didn't have my music, I would most definitely not be alive today. Music is everything and feeds my soul. When I'm onstage, I'm not that anxious woman with OCD that struggles with depression. I am not the woman who couldn't get out of bed that morning. I am not the woman who had to call her boyfriend to calm her down on the side of the road because she started shaking while driving. I am not the woman who has panic attacks when getting needles, or hyperventilates when at the hospital. I am Megan Twist. Music helps me, music changes me. 

I want to record a single and go on a radio tour. I have the song, I have the players, I just don't have the money. I am scared, but I want this more than anything. I know I can make something of myself this way. I know this is what I am supposed to do. 

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I hope that it helps people understand how debilitating mental health issues can be. I hope that if you are struggling with the same kind of stuff you know that if you reach out to me, I am here. I will listen. Mental health issues are a very serious thing and we should not be ashamed of this disease we struggle to conquer everyday. 

I really want to record this single, more than anything. Then take a radio tour to promote it. It would mean the world to me and help me in my life journey. Again, thank you for reading and listening. If you cannot contribute to the "Megan needs to record a single" fund, I totally understand, no worries. Everything and anything helps though. Thank you. 

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