Help Sick Abuse Survivor Start Over

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Raised by 24 people in 13 days
Hi! If you happened to click on this, bless you, and I'll cut to the chase:

I'm a disabled woman living with C-PTSD -- the type of PTSD you get after surviving severe, repeated abuse over an extended time -- on top of several neuromuscular, immune-mediated diseases that started almost 20 years ago with "ME/CFS" and now includes the first stages of MS.

I have finally, permanently separated from my abusive family of origin, but I had to go into a bit of debt to make that escape possible. What I need help with is paying for the costs of having to immediately pack up and move to an undisclosed location for my safety, completely on my own, without any help from anyone after being isolated and controlled and abused for YEARS by the very people who made me believe they were helping me.

But due to multi-faceted financial abuse on top of everything else (the number one reason victims can't escape), I'm currently in a financial hole I simply CANNOT dig myself out of without help. I really don't need much, and in fact I did the math and found that if everyone who follows me donated even $3, I could EASILY meet my goal. Without any help, I will be barely surviving (if that) for the next 5-6 YEARS at the very least, even if nothing else were to go wrong within that entire time frame... And we all know life doesn't work that way.

I do not like pointing out everything that's difficult, going wrong, or getting worse. It worsens my mental health and leaves me feeling very unbalanced. But I realize now that if I don't, no one will know I need help. This whole ordeal caused literally all of my conditions to relapse, and I've needed to make this fundraiser for months, but, to say it's "difficult" for survivors to speak out after being literally indoctrinated to stay silent, is an enormous understatement.

(Trigger Warning, for fellow survivors of abuse living with PTSD; feel free to skip this paragraph if having one of "those" days.) Throughout my entire life, if I even so much as acknowledged non-verbally that me or someone else had been harmed, not only would I be immediately abused worse in all ways, but if I didn't stop fighting back, every bit of "assistance" that had ever been offered to me by these psychopaths was systematically taken away, no matter how critical to my livelihood or even survival, until I surrendered. They set this up on purpose, far in advance. When your guard is down -- when things are temporarily calm, when you have hope for them to change -- they become very good listeners to find out what you need so they can enmesh themselves into your life, only to use it all against you later, as leverage. Multiple people in my "family" meet all the criteria for what's literally known as the "Dark Triad"--a malignant, narcissistic psychopath who lacks empathy, has little or no conscience, thrives on manipulation and exploitation, and never shows remorse. So I'm not "supposed" to be acknowledging this abuse ever happened, and to this day, whenever I do, part of my brain dissociates, out of the learned expectation of the horrors that are coming. Only this time, I am finally safe.

I'm just asking for your help in making this right.  I believe in a God of Justice, a future where I come out full of Victory and Healing, instead of being reminded every single month for the next 5-6 years of all the torment they caused, every time I go to pay my credit cards.

$2,000 is my goal because it would make my financial situation immeasurably more sustainable. If by some stretch it got to $3,000, I could literally wipe out ALL the debt incurred not only by my abusers themselves but also my need to escape them, AND be able to start saving for a critically important upcoming doctor appointment (more details below). I think these goals are very doable, if this could just reach enough people. 

I don't use my personal Facebook, because my abusers and their webs of lies are all on show there. But GoFundMe says, "Sharing your GoFundMe on Facebook can increase donations by 350%" so if you could please share it to yours on my behalf, that'd be wonderful. 

Please consider that your sharing this doesn't only help me reach the right people, but it might put it across the path of someone else struggling silently in an abusive situation, inspiring them to keep fighting for their own freedom, or even just to put a name to what they've experienced. 

If you're interested in how these funds will be stored, where they will be going, and all the ways I'll be able to support myself after clearing away even part of this debt, continue reading below. But even if this is as far as you get:

Thank you if all you can do for now is read this, thank you endlessly if you donated any amount at all to help me restore my life, and no matter what, please share this fundraiser.

-- Kit

(ETA: I was nervous about putting my website here but I realize it will lend credence, so if anyone is interested you can find me at the following places...IF you remove all the words "dog" from the address! This is done to keep me safe by preventing search engines from indexing my site url.

Twitter: @adograinbowdogatdognight
Website: adograinbowdogatdognightdog.com

Remember to remove all the "dog"s!)

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I've answered some things below I thought people might have questions about, or things that I'd have questions about if I were reading this page without knowing me. You might be wondering:

Well, Kit, aren't there organizations that help people in these situations?

Yes, and it's depressing to write this, but NONE of the local agencies I contacted about needing financial assistance were able to offer me help. Only one had resources still available then it turned out they didn't serve my area! I received dozens of numbers to call, but it was just transfer after transfer, to no avail. I did go on Food Stamps for now, and the $30/month they were able to offer does help ends meet. But it's not enough. I've already lost 16 pounds in 4 months due to rationing food, and my health is suffering for it. What the government considers my "disposable" income, in actuality is going towards (1) medications that are not covered by my insurance but without which I literally wouldn't be able to walk (more details below), (2) paying off debt that others forced me to incur, and (3) paying off said debt by making minimum payments on several different credit cards because I don't qualify for a (non-predatory) loan. I also tried for two months to get one of those government cellphone plans, but I'm now convinced most of those companies are a scam. The most substantial form of help I could get would be government housing assistance for more affordable rent, and even though I DO qualify and would've even been considered a high priority by their standards, the waiting lists where I live are currently closed. I had been planning for years to move somewhere the housing list is open, but the immediacy of my situation -- the fact that my life was in danger and the overall abuse was escalating in frequency and type and severity -- meant I had to just LEAVE. And thus, here we are.


What have been some of the impacts of this on your life?

I believe in gratitude first so I MUST take a moment to say that, I am safe, not homeless, and am not starving yet...though experiencing a weight loss of 16 pounds in just a few months doesn't bode well. I actually have an illness that tends to make me gain weight, so this is truly unsettling. Things are about to go downhill pretty quickly if my situation doesn't change, and that's just a fact.

* To be able to afford the medications for my muscles, I had to cut all my doses in half, which is resulting in even worse fatigue, very limited muscle strength, and I'm needing to use my wheelchair twice as much. This has been preventing me from being able to cook very much, which is another factor in the weight loss. After almost two decades with M.E., I need to INCREASE my doses to cover the progression, not decrease them! But it beats not taking them at all. 
* Other medications I just can't afford at all, or had to switch to less-effective versions that are causing old symptoms or even entire diseases to flare.
* There is ONE specialist in my state that provides me with life-saving medication so my MS doesn't relapse. These are also the difference between me being able to walk or not. Thankfully those medications ARE covered by my insurance, however the doctor visit itself is not necessarily covered. I'm still going to attempt to get it covered by any means, but as of right now this yearly $400 visit must come out-of-pocket. 
* He is also several hours away, and I already don't have enough gasoline to get everywhere I need to go locally, much less that.
* My car currently needs crucial maintenance to its brakes and transmission -- i.e. the things that make a car drive-able -- that I cannot afford to service.  I'm so grateful it's holding up, but it needs maintenance to help keep it that way.
* I have genetic intolerance to certain food ingredients which of course means I need to avoid them as much as possible, but even though I tried to adhere to my autoimmune diet, it just uses up too much money, and often isn't high enough in calories. In a nutshell: I've been eating food I don't have the enzymes to digest, and yet I can't afford to replace the enzymes (medication) that would prevent my body from attacking itself whenever I'm exposed to them. 

There are of course "normal life" things I need, too, that would be considered luxuries right now. Clothes to accommodate the weight loss. My over-the-bed desk needs a new wheel. My medical grade bed itself needs a new wheel. I just realized those broken wheels are making marks on the floor of my rental (yikes). I can't afford the eye drops my ophthalmologist put me on. Et cetera, et cetera. But I'm just focused on survival right now, both physically and psychologically. The thing that would help me the most is still moving somewhere I qualify for housing assistance -- again, I had already been planning this for years, and already qualify for it! -- but it took everything I had just to get here. I had to wipe out my savings trying to mediate all of this, to little avail. Please look at that donate button.


Okay, I'm looking at it, but how do we know the funds will be put to what you say? What kind of person are you?

I'm the one usually on the other side of this! I've always been the one to donate and fundraise on behalf of others, and at this point in my life I have literally donated thousands to other organizations such as the Humane Society of the United States, Louisiana SPCA, NO/AIDS Task Force,  MindPod Network, the subsequent Be Here Now Network, various Lyme Disease and Myalgic Encephalomyelitis funds including those of fellow friends and patients, and have helped raise thousands more for M.E. charities promising to do good things for us.

This is the first time I've ever asked for help for myself.

If you're coming from my social media accounts then you'll know I've had a presence there for almost a decade, sharing my journey of chronic illness, disability, and my path to wholeness, particularly through the lens of spirituality and acceptance. I've been an advocate in my communities for a very long time, only recently considering myself "retired" from those parts so I could heal from trauma and burnout.

I'm sorry that for the rest of you I can't share more information such as photos of myself, or my full name, but due to my situation, it's just not safe or legally a good idea. Even the last name I use online is just an alias, but I made sure that was okay with GoFundMe before I opened this page (if anyone wants I can post the e-mail confirming that). If any of this makes you nervous about donating, I understand. One of the biggest repercussions of C-PTSD, particularly after abuse, is my inability to trust that anyone is who they say they are. So if you're just now "meeting" me are still unsure whether to proceed, please consider these three things:

(1) GoFundMe absolutely has my real, full information, as they are required to verify identities before releasing funds to anyone, including me.
(2) All donations are covered by the "GoFundMe Guarantee," which ensures all transactions are used as they were intended. [source ]
(3) Since I've been sick for almost 20 years now, and my disability began before I turned 26, I qualify to use my state's newly-approved LA ABLE program to save and use funds for emergencies such as this. That is why this fundraiser is able to happen at all, so because of this, I am required by the state to prove my checks and balances are only being used for "Qualified Disability Expenses." It will literally be illegal for me to use these funds for any other purpose. The same goes for GoFundMe!

(Unfortunately, I do have reason to believe there may be a mole stalking my online accounts, what we survivors call "flying monkeys," who are abusers-by-proxy because they go and report back to the ringleaders what the victims are doing, where they are, etc. So if indeed that is the case, any "flying monkey" needs to know I do have legal protections and ample evidence -- including recent 911 calls -- of not only abuse done to me but done to others, and the law now stands firmly on my side. I'm not a victim any longer.)

My diseases are as of yet incurable, so I cannot reasonably expect to just "get better," but it's impossible for me to just live for myself. My main priority right now is restoration and healing, but when this is over and I can finally move on with the next phase of my life, I want to continue using my gifts (like writing, even though it takes me a long, long time) to help bring healing to others, in whatever way God will see fit. I have to talk about this, to do my part in uncovering the epidemic of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. I have to talk about this, to help not only myself, but other survivors, now and in the future, especially those who didn't even know what they were experiencing actually had a name.

(If you think you are experiencing anything similar please see the books, POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse, by Shahida Arabi, and Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists, by Sandra L. Brown.)

Once again: Thank you if all you can do for now is read this, thank you endlessly if you donated any amount at all to help me restore my life, and no matter what, please share this fundraiser. Thank you!
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$320/$2000. This means I'm 16% closer to being free. 16% closer to no longer rationing food. 16% closer to affording ALL the meds that support my living and keep me out of hospitals. 16% closer to focusing on something other than survival. 16% closer to me being able to GIVE BACK. I say a prayer for every one of you, but if you haven't gotten a personal Thank You message please know that WILL happen as soon as I get myself together. Trying to maintain weight with the poor-quality-but-higher-calorie foods, in combination with running out of my enzymes a couple weeks ago, appears to have weakened my gut lining, because I just got food poisoning for the second time in four months. I know I can heal that part--I've done it before--but it will require those enzymes, foods I'm actually able to digest (and enough of them), and the muscle strength to cook. I was already feeling much stronger (in comparison) since being on my regular dosage of mitochondrial meds, before the infection struck, so I know once I recover from this I'll be able to cook again. There was something else I wanted to say but this paragraph already took 45 minutes to write, and I am.. exhausted. Just, again: Thank you, thank you, thank you! -- Kit
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Because of the generosity of today's supporters alone, I will be able to purchase the medications I need to adjust my myalgic encephalomyelitis medications back to NORMAL STRENGTH, instead of the half dosing I mentioned. The effects of this disease are such that simple daily living tasks take the same amount of energy from my muscles that someone else's might use for a 3-hr workout. Can you imagine feeling the same weakness and burn you'd feel after a long gym session, after just washing a few dishes? These meds help me recover more quickly and stay ahead of the curve. Today will be day one of finally going back on my regular dosing! Here's hoping my campaign will continue to garner support and that I won't EVER have to decrease them again. Thank you! -- Kit
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Raised by 24 people in 13 days
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