Healing My Soul - Anorexia & Trauma
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I didn't think I would so publicly share my story or ask for support in this way but that is what I am doing. The reason why I decided to sign up to GoFundMe is because I am hoping to be able to continue the important recovery work I've been doing. My insurance has helped me go to inpatient, residential, and partial hospitalization programs but they barely cover any of the fees for intensive outpatient. Essentially, I would need to pay $150 per night of IOP. I am hoping to be able to do at least 3 months of IOP with a minimum of 3 nights per week. And of course, any amount that you can give to help would be appreciated....everything helps and there is no donation too small. Any funds raised will go towards IOP and if by some miracle my goal is reached or surpassed, any funds will be used for continuing to fight this illness (e.g. attending a special support group focused on healing for trauma, meal support etc.). I feel very strongly about this step down approach and believe it is critical for me to engage in. Not only will I continue to build coping skills, I will be able to continue to work on the underlying issues in an intense way. I have a great outpatient team but I know that right now that is not enough. I know I need a bit of extra support right now and as hard as it has been to reach out, I am learning that I need to do that to recover. And I want to keep moving ahead because I know that I have it within me to heal from this eating disorder and find peace within myself.
I've been struggling with an eating disorder for much of my life. I've only recently come to understand all the functions it has served in my life and how it allowed me to cope (survive) through unbearable experiences. Earlier this summer I came back to New York having gone to Monte Nido Vista. While there I began to do trauma and parts work, in addition to beginning to refeed my body. Once back in New York I started the partial hospitalization program at the Eating Disorder Treatment of New York and have just completed 2 months of that. I am stronger and more motivated than I have ever been. It has been painful and yet healing to give voice to some of the suffering I have had stored inside me and which has been feeding my eating disorder for so long. And although I have done a lot of work I need to do more. I have a long road ahead of me still but for the first time in my life I actually believe in full recovery, and not only that, I see a future ahead of me. I am also beginning to realize that I am safe, despite what the PTSD I experience tells me . I have been working hard to create a life that has meaning for me and to others. I want to thrive in that life. But I am not yet ready to be without the support of EDTNY and the IOP program. Currently, I am only able to do 6 nights of IOP...that is not enough. Most people do at least 3 months at the IOP level and a lot of those people do not have the additional trauma history to work through as well.
I feel like there is so much more of my story to tell but I am only just beginning to find my voice. If you want to find out more about me and my journey of recovery please visit my blog. My recovery blog - Where I speak my truth
As well, to give you an idea of how much it would mean for me to continue the work I am doing at EDTNY here is the 'Eater's Agreement' I intend to read when I graduate. I prepared it last night when I found out I only have 6 more days there...hopefully with everyone's help it will be awhile before I need to read this. I can't even imagine leaving yet and it scares me. I want full recovery so desperately and I will work as hard as I can to achieve it.
Thank you!
Jackie's Eater's Agreement
I am still here. I am okay. I am safe. And I will keep moving forward. I will never give up. Ever.
These are the words that I have begun repeating to myself, quietly but with intention. These are words that in some moments I believe and hold onto. It doesn't seem that long ago that these words didn't exist within me. Others spoke these words to me in an effort to calm me or called me back to the present with these words but I was so lost in past memories that I didn't believe those words were true. It seems like a small miracle that I can find a voice within me to now speak those words to myself, although sometimes I still need to hear it from someone I trust.
Returning to EDTNY after being at Vista was at first challenging and comforting. I wasn't really sure how 'to be' in my own life (I still am figuring this out) and I knew that the parts and trauma work I had begun at Vista barely scratched the surface. I knew that feeding and caring for myself were still major obstacles. I worried about how I might be received at EDTNY...now fully aware of the mess I was when I had been there before. I worried that I might slip up as I continued to try to process the painful memories that were feeding my eating disorder and eating me from the inside out. And yet to another part of me, returning to EDTNY felt like I was being enfolded in the love and security I was craving; I was among people who I truly cared about and respected and who I could trust. And I knew I would be able to safely do the work I needed to do.
I don't even know what to say about the time I have spent here and how grateful I am. There is nothing I could say that would express how I feel about this place and the people here. Day by day, moment by moment I have felt myself healing while here. Healing is painful and at times it has felt unbearably so and if it were not for the staff and clients I am not sure I would have held up...somehow everyone here managed to keep me steady and propel me forward even when I thought I might collapse under the strain. Even more amazing, I began to feel the hope and freedom that existed in this healing and I could see the joy in others as they watched me take back my power a little at a time.
I feel like even the walls, floor and chairs here protected and grounded me as they stood witness to the vulnerability I shared with them, listened as I spoke of things I thought I could never voice, and watched as I dissolved into tears over and over. If everything seemed to be closing in on me or I couldn't breathe I could trust the walls of EDTNY to steady me if I pressed my back firmly against them or stretched my legs up them (as _______ had me do on more than one occasion). If everything was spinning I could sit on the floor and feel the ground below me. If I felt exposed and alone I could allow a chair or the couch here to enfold me.
I believe with my whole being that I will be fully recovered one day and not only that but I do think one day I will find and hold onto the peace within myself that I know still exists but was first interrupted long ago. I would not be able to say these things if it hadn't been for what I have discovered about myself while being here.
And since this is an eater's agreement, and I could ramble on at length about my experience here and all the ways I am grateful, here are the things I agree to:
I will never give up on life or myself. Ever.
I will nourish and hydrate my body, this means eating the appropriate amount of food that my body needs not what I think it needs
I accept that I need to eat consistently and at regular internals even if I don't feel hungry and even if I feel too upset
I will allow my body to rest, this means ensuring that I get proper sleep and not walking excessively
I will not self harm because my body is not to blame, I can tolerate my emotions and self harming does not align with my soul self
I will reach out, ask for help and receive support
I will let others in
I will embrace the strength that exists in my vulnerability
I will treat myself with compassion because I cannot fully extend compassion to others if I don't extend some to myself
I will continue to feel with my whole being even if it hurts
I will nurture my creative self and use it to soothe and express myself
I will be patient with myself
I will accept that my perceptions of self are often skewed and therefore look to others to better see my authentic self
I will continue to trust my outpatient team who have been right about everything
I will welcome and work to integrate each new part of myself that I discover
I will set intentions to help guide me on this path of healing
I will embrace radical acceptance in the face of things I feel I cannot tolerate
I will root myself in the present, remind myself that I am safe from the past as often as it takes and hold onto hope for the future
I will breathe. I will continue to practice breathing, filling my lungs with air and exhaling, because I deserve to live
I will keep reclaiming my power
I will embrace a meaningful life and allow myself to thrive
I will continue on a path to be the spiritual being I was born to be
These things and more I continue to uphold and keep striving towards. I appreciate who I am in this moment and I am thankful to each of you. And I am especially thankful for ________ and ________ because I am not sure where I would be here today if it wasn't for both of you. Thank you for your knowledge, understanding, support and unwavering belief in me. I am a stronger and better person for knowing you both.
Thank you!
Lots of Love to All of You
I've been struggling with an eating disorder for much of my life. I've only recently come to understand all the functions it has served in my life and how it allowed me to cope (survive) through unbearable experiences. Earlier this summer I came back to New York having gone to Monte Nido Vista. While there I began to do trauma and parts work, in addition to beginning to refeed my body. Once back in New York I started the partial hospitalization program at the Eating Disorder Treatment of New York and have just completed 2 months of that. I am stronger and more motivated than I have ever been. It has been painful and yet healing to give voice to some of the suffering I have had stored inside me and which has been feeding my eating disorder for so long. And although I have done a lot of work I need to do more. I have a long road ahead of me still but for the first time in my life I actually believe in full recovery, and not only that, I see a future ahead of me. I am also beginning to realize that I am safe, despite what the PTSD I experience tells me . I have been working hard to create a life that has meaning for me and to others. I want to thrive in that life. But I am not yet ready to be without the support of EDTNY and the IOP program. Currently, I am only able to do 6 nights of IOP...that is not enough. Most people do at least 3 months at the IOP level and a lot of those people do not have the additional trauma history to work through as well.
I feel like there is so much more of my story to tell but I am only just beginning to find my voice. If you want to find out more about me and my journey of recovery please visit my blog. My recovery blog - Where I speak my truth
As well, to give you an idea of how much it would mean for me to continue the work I am doing at EDTNY here is the 'Eater's Agreement' I intend to read when I graduate. I prepared it last night when I found out I only have 6 more days there...hopefully with everyone's help it will be awhile before I need to read this. I can't even imagine leaving yet and it scares me. I want full recovery so desperately and I will work as hard as I can to achieve it.
Thank you!
Jackie's Eater's Agreement
I am still here. I am okay. I am safe. And I will keep moving forward. I will never give up. Ever.
These are the words that I have begun repeating to myself, quietly but with intention. These are words that in some moments I believe and hold onto. It doesn't seem that long ago that these words didn't exist within me. Others spoke these words to me in an effort to calm me or called me back to the present with these words but I was so lost in past memories that I didn't believe those words were true. It seems like a small miracle that I can find a voice within me to now speak those words to myself, although sometimes I still need to hear it from someone I trust.
Returning to EDTNY after being at Vista was at first challenging and comforting. I wasn't really sure how 'to be' in my own life (I still am figuring this out) and I knew that the parts and trauma work I had begun at Vista barely scratched the surface. I knew that feeding and caring for myself were still major obstacles. I worried about how I might be received at EDTNY...now fully aware of the mess I was when I had been there before. I worried that I might slip up as I continued to try to process the painful memories that were feeding my eating disorder and eating me from the inside out. And yet to another part of me, returning to EDTNY felt like I was being enfolded in the love and security I was craving; I was among people who I truly cared about and respected and who I could trust. And I knew I would be able to safely do the work I needed to do.
I don't even know what to say about the time I have spent here and how grateful I am. There is nothing I could say that would express how I feel about this place and the people here. Day by day, moment by moment I have felt myself healing while here. Healing is painful and at times it has felt unbearably so and if it were not for the staff and clients I am not sure I would have held up...somehow everyone here managed to keep me steady and propel me forward even when I thought I might collapse under the strain. Even more amazing, I began to feel the hope and freedom that existed in this healing and I could see the joy in others as they watched me take back my power a little at a time.
I feel like even the walls, floor and chairs here protected and grounded me as they stood witness to the vulnerability I shared with them, listened as I spoke of things I thought I could never voice, and watched as I dissolved into tears over and over. If everything seemed to be closing in on me or I couldn't breathe I could trust the walls of EDTNY to steady me if I pressed my back firmly against them or stretched my legs up them (as _______ had me do on more than one occasion). If everything was spinning I could sit on the floor and feel the ground below me. If I felt exposed and alone I could allow a chair or the couch here to enfold me.
I believe with my whole being that I will be fully recovered one day and not only that but I do think one day I will find and hold onto the peace within myself that I know still exists but was first interrupted long ago. I would not be able to say these things if it hadn't been for what I have discovered about myself while being here.
And since this is an eater's agreement, and I could ramble on at length about my experience here and all the ways I am grateful, here are the things I agree to:
I will never give up on life or myself. Ever.
I will nourish and hydrate my body, this means eating the appropriate amount of food that my body needs not what I think it needs
I accept that I need to eat consistently and at regular internals even if I don't feel hungry and even if I feel too upset
I will allow my body to rest, this means ensuring that I get proper sleep and not walking excessively
I will not self harm because my body is not to blame, I can tolerate my emotions and self harming does not align with my soul self
I will reach out, ask for help and receive support
I will let others in
I will embrace the strength that exists in my vulnerability
I will treat myself with compassion because I cannot fully extend compassion to others if I don't extend some to myself
I will continue to feel with my whole being even if it hurts
I will nurture my creative self and use it to soothe and express myself
I will be patient with myself
I will accept that my perceptions of self are often skewed and therefore look to others to better see my authentic self
I will continue to trust my outpatient team who have been right about everything
I will welcome and work to integrate each new part of myself that I discover
I will set intentions to help guide me on this path of healing
I will embrace radical acceptance in the face of things I feel I cannot tolerate
I will root myself in the present, remind myself that I am safe from the past as often as it takes and hold onto hope for the future
I will breathe. I will continue to practice breathing, filling my lungs with air and exhaling, because I deserve to live
I will keep reclaiming my power
I will embrace a meaningful life and allow myself to thrive
I will continue on a path to be the spiritual being I was born to be
These things and more I continue to uphold and keep striving towards. I appreciate who I am in this moment and I am thankful to each of you. And I am especially thankful for ________ and ________ because I am not sure where I would be here today if it wasn't for both of you. Thank you for your knowledge, understanding, support and unwavering belief in me. I am a stronger and better person for knowing you both.
Thank you!
Lots of Love to All of You
Organizer
Jackie Armstrong
Organizer
New York, NY
