I need to tell them goodbye
Donation protected
Four and a half years ago, I came to discover a group called Zen The Hollywood through an anime that spoke volumes to me, Shounen Hollywood. One of the main characters, Kira Saeki, was me to a T. At the time, we looked the same, had the same personalities, had the same inner selves, sounded the same, and even had the exact same pasts and history. Even his hips were large like mine. I grew a huge connection to the series and within a week of the first episode airing, I had already made a cosplay of this character. However, this is not my story with Shounen Hollywood, which is still so important. This is about something else. Soon after, I discovered a non debuted idol group based off of the idol group in the series. I immediately saw a member that stood out to me and I called him the prettiest man alive. When I got home I did all the research my eager self could and found out everything I could about him. Two months later, their first two singles were out for preorder and I didn't hesitate. As a preorder bonus, I received Kousaka's, the prettiest man alives autograph. My sister sat in bed with me as I opened them and asked, who is your favorite? I pointed to Kousaka with no hesitation. Two years of hard dedication go by fast and in that time I began posting daily updates about Kousaka titled daily kousaka, which became so frequent and such a routine and really necessity for me that it became dksk. I had read every one of his blog posts since he first began, which was easily over hundreds of entry's of reading and translating, trying to find everything about him I could possible be allowed to know. Every item I could get my hand on, i bought. I payed out the wazoo for CDs and T shirts and penlights with shopping service charges on top just so I could feel closer to them, so I could represent the fans in America properly. There were not many fans, but a few. I wanted to become number one, to become the best, just as Zenhari wanted to become the best as well.
As my senior year in high school approached, my depression, which had been untreated for 8 years, hit a peak. I was not eating, I was not sleeping, and I could cry at the drop of a pin. I was crying in class constantly, I was being called into the office from worried staff and teachers, I was really hitting a low and at the time it seemed nothing could keep me afloat. However, I knew I still had to do daily kousaka as it was a self proclaimed duty of mine to see his smile once a day. That was when I decided to go see him. I knew he brought so much light into my life, so going to see him would be a great experience for me. At the live, when I arrived, I met with a friend I had made in the fan base on Twitter. Someone else had given kousaka a note saying I was coming two weeks before I arrived. Everyone knew the foreigner was coming and when I actually arrived, everyone was shocked. Yokko and Yuma, two of the members, were playing around outside the venue before they started the event. I was shocked and cried out their names and we met eyes. They were shocked, bowed and apologized and ran back inside. A second later, Shige, the leader, stepped out of the door and looked at me, giving some kind of grin. It read as a "I bet money with the other members if you would or would not show up, and now they owe me money because you're here" type of grin. I heard him call Kousaka's name and he stepped back inside. Kousaka peeked out next, eyes scanning everyone waiting in line but I knew he was trying to peek at the foreigner. To give you guys insight on the group, they probably only had about 4,000 Twitter followers at that point and were very small as a group. They would be what are called chika idol, which is underground, usually independent idol groups. A foreigner coming was a big deal for them, I'm sure. During the event, it seems they were calling out to me. They asked "who traveled the farthest to see ouji (kousaka)?". Lots of people raised their hands and spoke various towns outside of Tokyo but when Shige called on me and I said I was from America, everyone around me gasped and I felt a circle around me grow. I was a little nervous. But after a quick moment, Kousaka stood at the stage and spoke in English. "Thank you so much for coming, it means so much, thank you!" He sounded so excited. I was an idiot and answered thank you for existing. He was standing on the high stage and I was far on the ground, it felt like an angel calling down to me. He then asked me if I knew about the "ugly faced abe" which I did know, it was a funny nickname they use to tease Abe with, but the moment became too real to me and I was too shocked to reply. The live progressed and I enjoyed every minute of it. By the time the encore came, zenhari came back on stage giving wota instructions for the song. Kousaka explained it in English and English only. The live finished and someone who is now a very special friend came to me and spoke to me. Her English was so good! My Japanese was very rough at the time (and still is not anywhere near great) so it was a relief. Some of her friends were around as well. We chatted for a moment before I found out I needed tickets to take a photo or shake kousakas hand. I was going to do whatever I could to do so, buy whatever I needed. But the girls standing with me, they each gave me a ticket so I could shake his hand and take a photo with him. My heart was so warm. Of course, I bought some merchandise as well. When I went to shake his hand, Kousaka told me he would never forget me, which is something that has changed me forever. As we took our photo together, he softly sang his solo song "earl grey no kisetsu" before the photo snapped. I was sad to hear he did not perform it during the live, so getting to hear it just the two of us made me feel so special. I took a photo with my special friend and went to McDonald's afterwards. I cried while eating chicken McNuggets because the experience was so unreal. I didn't know when I would return, but I knew I would.
A year and a half later, it was announced Kousaka would be having his first birthday live event. I knew I had to go celebrate with everyone. It was at a new venue, Yoani live, different from their old usual event space, Garret Udagawa. I felt nervous for some reason, like I was starting all over. I felt I had never been there before, like I didn't belong. Until, I stepped inside. I was greeted by my old friend I had met at that live event years ago with a hug and she helped me preorder the new CDs so I could see Kousaka once again with a handshake and photo. This time, I wasn't alone. I wasn't the new, weird foreigner. Many people approached me, thanking me for following them on Twitter, asking me to tell them about myself, even giving me gifts with little notes. I have framed those notes at home and I will never forget you. You know who you are. I could not hold conversation very well, but I understood you all. I may not always know what to say, but I always knew what you were trying to tell me. I was so busy speaking to people who said they were too shy to say something the first time they saw me that I never got a seat. It seemed there were no more left. However, in just moments, people were rushing to let me sit in the first row, right in the middle. This time, it opened with Kousaka singing "earl grey no kisetsu". I cried, many times. They smiled and looked at me a lot during the concert, I could tell sometimes they were trying not to stare. Tora-chan smiled the biggest. I screamed to wish Kousaka a happy birthday with everyone else. As the event ended and i waited for the handshakes to set up, my friend rushed to see if she could find a way Kousaka and I could match costumes for a photo. I always had made a costume to match with him, but I never did. That day, he was wearing a special birthday costume and I was wearing the costume for their new single. As I went to shake his hand, he told me this.
"You remember me!"
Of course I do. Zen the Hollywood gave me something to look forward to in life , something to help me keep going and give me motivation to live out each day just to continue posting "daily kousaka" on Facebook. I could never forget them, especially Kousaka. I told him of course, but our hand shake was soon over. We took our photo together in his special costume and then he changed into his dakishimete circus costume so we could match in the next photo. As he changed, my friend brought me to meet someone who was one of the staff members. He told me they check my Twitter frequently and he was shocked to see me. Well, I was shocked to hear this. Since then, I have had a few tweets from their manager Hashiguchi Ikuyo thanking me, have had artists who worked on Shounen Hollywood like my tweets, so many things. New friends I had made asked me to join in a photo with them. As we all posed, Yuma and tora-chan kept screaming about how beautiful I was.Yuma was always so silly every time I saw him. To this day, it is one of my favorite photos. I am there with the group I adore most with friends I would have never met without them. When I came into the fan base, I pushed myself in and was a stranger but I made such a happy life for myself in that world and have made so many memories. Soon after, there was a talk show event that only a small amount of people could get into. Thankfully, I got in and someone who I never got the name of helped me fill out the sheet since I am not great at writing. She spoke English very well too. I should have spoken with her more, at least got her name. I am probably following her on twitter and I don't even know. When everyone met up for the event, people kept trading tickets with me until I was up at the front row. I was once more, shocked. My heart was still so warm. I could not believe the kindness of everyone around me, of zenhari also. As I waited to handshake, someone very kind gave me an extra ticket. I was so happy, without that ticket I was not going to be able to take a photo with the group. Thank you. I took a photo with the group and told Kousaka happy birthday because that event was held on his birthday. He smiled and said thank you.
The group has been on decline. I could see that, and I believe other fans could as well. Although I have not been able to be at every event and I do not speak Japanese fluently, I have been as big of a fan as everyone else and have done the best I could as a foreigner. When news was happening, I always knew what was going on. I made it my duty to know everything about this group for years and have dedicated everything I have to them. On February 28th, a year later from our last meeting, the group has announced they will be disbanding on July 16th. When they announced they had a special announcement on the 28th, I knew this would be the announcement but people told me not to worry. I read tweets and saw some fans were still excited. I felt if some others were excited and some told me not to worry, I should think good things. Somewhere I wished, maybe a new member, or maybe Inoue would return, or something silly, but I knew this would be the end. As the day came and the announcement I knew would be made was revealed, I found that no matter how much I could prepare myself, I would never be ready. Zenhari gave me a world I would have never experienced without them. It's more than idols, more than music, more than even just a fun experience. Zenhari gave me everything I needed, all in the exact moments I needed it. Zenhari gave me friends. Zenhari gave me the power to fight for myself. Zenhari gave me the strength to get mental help. Zenhari gave me an experience that made me feel special. Zenhari gave me an angel, Kousaka. Zenhari created a world for me that made me feel special, that made everyone who was in my life in those moments seem like saints. I have never ever, never once in my life experienced the kindness and true love Zenhari has given me ever before. Zenhari made me who I am today. Without Zenhari, I am not max. Zenhari will be with me always and will be something I hold right in the core of my heart for my whole life. Everyone I've met, kousakas smiling face, yokko's old and silly vines, the original zen the Hollywood members in 2013, the pain I felt when tora-chan announced his graduation, the laughs i had when my mom said Yuma was her her favorite member, the tears I shed over those McNuggets, the tickets I exchanged for a handshake, the showroom lives, the anticipation when we originally thought Zenhari may disband when star child's contract was over, the anger I felt when I could not attend the summer festival and get Kousaka's acrylic stand, the 300000 yen I payed for a Kousaka can badge, the YouTube announcements when a new single was being release, the rush to buy everything so Zenhari could have their trip to Hawaii, the gifts everyone gave to me, the day Kousaka said "I will never forget you". These times are what make me Max. These times are what you see at the center of my heart. Thank you for everything, I had the best holly trip of my life.
Zenhari will have their last day on July 16th and I have to attend whatever their last event may be. I must say thank you to each member properly, to give them all a personal letter. This trip will be hard, but going or not is not an option. I must go to this event. I have to be there not only for Zenhari, for my friends, but for myself as this may be the last time I will have the chance to see Kousaka, to speak to him, to shake his hand, and to take a photo with him. No members are expressing what they are to do with their futures, but by the sound of it, some are becoming conscious about their ages now and must be discouraged. Kousaka says he is not going to share his dreams with the public. This truly may be my last time to see my angel. I am currently studying in Denmark in a small village with a broken computer and no one to fix it, but I can offer a few things if you'd like some payout for any donation. If you would like to help out in any way, I can do traditional art at any time and can scan the photos or anything of the sort to make them seem more official. I will do whatever you want for any cost. If you can wait until May, I can do digital art of anything you want for any cost. I currently have access to a professional studio until May, if I can help you vocally with anything please let me know. I can do anything for any cost. When I arrive home, I will be selling all my sport anime posters and lots of ita bagging things and merchandise and other miscellaneous merchandise so I can fund this trip. Although I have spent years collecting these things and cherish them very much, there comes a time when you realize there are more important things. I feel like I'm losing the most important thing in my life and I am willing to do anything to get there one last time and have no regrets doing any of this. They have been without a doubt the most important thing in my life and I will go any length to get there. If you are interested in anything, please message me. If you don't want anything and just want to help me in any way, that means just as much to me. I hate asking for help and anyone of you who know me know I can't stand it and would rather I do everything on my own. But with school costs and everything that has happened since, I know I cannot do this alone and am so desperate to see my angel one more time with all my friends and to smile with them for the last time I will ever be able to.
Thank you.
As my senior year in high school approached, my depression, which had been untreated for 8 years, hit a peak. I was not eating, I was not sleeping, and I could cry at the drop of a pin. I was crying in class constantly, I was being called into the office from worried staff and teachers, I was really hitting a low and at the time it seemed nothing could keep me afloat. However, I knew I still had to do daily kousaka as it was a self proclaimed duty of mine to see his smile once a day. That was when I decided to go see him. I knew he brought so much light into my life, so going to see him would be a great experience for me. At the live, when I arrived, I met with a friend I had made in the fan base on Twitter. Someone else had given kousaka a note saying I was coming two weeks before I arrived. Everyone knew the foreigner was coming and when I actually arrived, everyone was shocked. Yokko and Yuma, two of the members, were playing around outside the venue before they started the event. I was shocked and cried out their names and we met eyes. They were shocked, bowed and apologized and ran back inside. A second later, Shige, the leader, stepped out of the door and looked at me, giving some kind of grin. It read as a "I bet money with the other members if you would or would not show up, and now they owe me money because you're here" type of grin. I heard him call Kousaka's name and he stepped back inside. Kousaka peeked out next, eyes scanning everyone waiting in line but I knew he was trying to peek at the foreigner. To give you guys insight on the group, they probably only had about 4,000 Twitter followers at that point and were very small as a group. They would be what are called chika idol, which is underground, usually independent idol groups. A foreigner coming was a big deal for them, I'm sure. During the event, it seems they were calling out to me. They asked "who traveled the farthest to see ouji (kousaka)?". Lots of people raised their hands and spoke various towns outside of Tokyo but when Shige called on me and I said I was from America, everyone around me gasped and I felt a circle around me grow. I was a little nervous. But after a quick moment, Kousaka stood at the stage and spoke in English. "Thank you so much for coming, it means so much, thank you!" He sounded so excited. I was an idiot and answered thank you for existing. He was standing on the high stage and I was far on the ground, it felt like an angel calling down to me. He then asked me if I knew about the "ugly faced abe" which I did know, it was a funny nickname they use to tease Abe with, but the moment became too real to me and I was too shocked to reply. The live progressed and I enjoyed every minute of it. By the time the encore came, zenhari came back on stage giving wota instructions for the song. Kousaka explained it in English and English only. The live finished and someone who is now a very special friend came to me and spoke to me. Her English was so good! My Japanese was very rough at the time (and still is not anywhere near great) so it was a relief. Some of her friends were around as well. We chatted for a moment before I found out I needed tickets to take a photo or shake kousakas hand. I was going to do whatever I could to do so, buy whatever I needed. But the girls standing with me, they each gave me a ticket so I could shake his hand and take a photo with him. My heart was so warm. Of course, I bought some merchandise as well. When I went to shake his hand, Kousaka told me he would never forget me, which is something that has changed me forever. As we took our photo together, he softly sang his solo song "earl grey no kisetsu" before the photo snapped. I was sad to hear he did not perform it during the live, so getting to hear it just the two of us made me feel so special. I took a photo with my special friend and went to McDonald's afterwards. I cried while eating chicken McNuggets because the experience was so unreal. I didn't know when I would return, but I knew I would.
A year and a half later, it was announced Kousaka would be having his first birthday live event. I knew I had to go celebrate with everyone. It was at a new venue, Yoani live, different from their old usual event space, Garret Udagawa. I felt nervous for some reason, like I was starting all over. I felt I had never been there before, like I didn't belong. Until, I stepped inside. I was greeted by my old friend I had met at that live event years ago with a hug and she helped me preorder the new CDs so I could see Kousaka once again with a handshake and photo. This time, I wasn't alone. I wasn't the new, weird foreigner. Many people approached me, thanking me for following them on Twitter, asking me to tell them about myself, even giving me gifts with little notes. I have framed those notes at home and I will never forget you. You know who you are. I could not hold conversation very well, but I understood you all. I may not always know what to say, but I always knew what you were trying to tell me. I was so busy speaking to people who said they were too shy to say something the first time they saw me that I never got a seat. It seemed there were no more left. However, in just moments, people were rushing to let me sit in the first row, right in the middle. This time, it opened with Kousaka singing "earl grey no kisetsu". I cried, many times. They smiled and looked at me a lot during the concert, I could tell sometimes they were trying not to stare. Tora-chan smiled the biggest. I screamed to wish Kousaka a happy birthday with everyone else. As the event ended and i waited for the handshakes to set up, my friend rushed to see if she could find a way Kousaka and I could match costumes for a photo. I always had made a costume to match with him, but I never did. That day, he was wearing a special birthday costume and I was wearing the costume for their new single. As I went to shake his hand, he told me this.
"You remember me!"
Of course I do. Zen the Hollywood gave me something to look forward to in life , something to help me keep going and give me motivation to live out each day just to continue posting "daily kousaka" on Facebook. I could never forget them, especially Kousaka. I told him of course, but our hand shake was soon over. We took our photo together in his special costume and then he changed into his dakishimete circus costume so we could match in the next photo. As he changed, my friend brought me to meet someone who was one of the staff members. He told me they check my Twitter frequently and he was shocked to see me. Well, I was shocked to hear this. Since then, I have had a few tweets from their manager Hashiguchi Ikuyo thanking me, have had artists who worked on Shounen Hollywood like my tweets, so many things. New friends I had made asked me to join in a photo with them. As we all posed, Yuma and tora-chan kept screaming about how beautiful I was.Yuma was always so silly every time I saw him. To this day, it is one of my favorite photos. I am there with the group I adore most with friends I would have never met without them. When I came into the fan base, I pushed myself in and was a stranger but I made such a happy life for myself in that world and have made so many memories. Soon after, there was a talk show event that only a small amount of people could get into. Thankfully, I got in and someone who I never got the name of helped me fill out the sheet since I am not great at writing. She spoke English very well too. I should have spoken with her more, at least got her name. I am probably following her on twitter and I don't even know. When everyone met up for the event, people kept trading tickets with me until I was up at the front row. I was once more, shocked. My heart was still so warm. I could not believe the kindness of everyone around me, of zenhari also. As I waited to handshake, someone very kind gave me an extra ticket. I was so happy, without that ticket I was not going to be able to take a photo with the group. Thank you. I took a photo with the group and told Kousaka happy birthday because that event was held on his birthday. He smiled and said thank you.
The group has been on decline. I could see that, and I believe other fans could as well. Although I have not been able to be at every event and I do not speak Japanese fluently, I have been as big of a fan as everyone else and have done the best I could as a foreigner. When news was happening, I always knew what was going on. I made it my duty to know everything about this group for years and have dedicated everything I have to them. On February 28th, a year later from our last meeting, the group has announced they will be disbanding on July 16th. When they announced they had a special announcement on the 28th, I knew this would be the announcement but people told me not to worry. I read tweets and saw some fans were still excited. I felt if some others were excited and some told me not to worry, I should think good things. Somewhere I wished, maybe a new member, or maybe Inoue would return, or something silly, but I knew this would be the end. As the day came and the announcement I knew would be made was revealed, I found that no matter how much I could prepare myself, I would never be ready. Zenhari gave me a world I would have never experienced without them. It's more than idols, more than music, more than even just a fun experience. Zenhari gave me everything I needed, all in the exact moments I needed it. Zenhari gave me friends. Zenhari gave me the power to fight for myself. Zenhari gave me the strength to get mental help. Zenhari gave me an experience that made me feel special. Zenhari gave me an angel, Kousaka. Zenhari created a world for me that made me feel special, that made everyone who was in my life in those moments seem like saints. I have never ever, never once in my life experienced the kindness and true love Zenhari has given me ever before. Zenhari made me who I am today. Without Zenhari, I am not max. Zenhari will be with me always and will be something I hold right in the core of my heart for my whole life. Everyone I've met, kousakas smiling face, yokko's old and silly vines, the original zen the Hollywood members in 2013, the pain I felt when tora-chan announced his graduation, the laughs i had when my mom said Yuma was her her favorite member, the tears I shed over those McNuggets, the tickets I exchanged for a handshake, the showroom lives, the anticipation when we originally thought Zenhari may disband when star child's contract was over, the anger I felt when I could not attend the summer festival and get Kousaka's acrylic stand, the 300000 yen I payed for a Kousaka can badge, the YouTube announcements when a new single was being release, the rush to buy everything so Zenhari could have their trip to Hawaii, the gifts everyone gave to me, the day Kousaka said "I will never forget you". These times are what make me Max. These times are what you see at the center of my heart. Thank you for everything, I had the best holly trip of my life.
Zenhari will have their last day on July 16th and I have to attend whatever their last event may be. I must say thank you to each member properly, to give them all a personal letter. This trip will be hard, but going or not is not an option. I must go to this event. I have to be there not only for Zenhari, for my friends, but for myself as this may be the last time I will have the chance to see Kousaka, to speak to him, to shake his hand, and to take a photo with him. No members are expressing what they are to do with their futures, but by the sound of it, some are becoming conscious about their ages now and must be discouraged. Kousaka says he is not going to share his dreams with the public. This truly may be my last time to see my angel. I am currently studying in Denmark in a small village with a broken computer and no one to fix it, but I can offer a few things if you'd like some payout for any donation. If you would like to help out in any way, I can do traditional art at any time and can scan the photos or anything of the sort to make them seem more official. I will do whatever you want for any cost. If you can wait until May, I can do digital art of anything you want for any cost. I currently have access to a professional studio until May, if I can help you vocally with anything please let me know. I can do anything for any cost. When I arrive home, I will be selling all my sport anime posters and lots of ita bagging things and merchandise and other miscellaneous merchandise so I can fund this trip. Although I have spent years collecting these things and cherish them very much, there comes a time when you realize there are more important things. I feel like I'm losing the most important thing in my life and I am willing to do anything to get there one last time and have no regrets doing any of this. They have been without a doubt the most important thing in my life and I will go any length to get there. If you are interested in anything, please message me. If you don't want anything and just want to help me in any way, that means just as much to me. I hate asking for help and anyone of you who know me know I can't stand it and would rather I do everything on my own. But with school costs and everything that has happened since, I know I cannot do this alone and am so desperate to see my angel one more time with all my friends and to smile with them for the last time I will ever be able to.
Thank you.
Organizer
Maxine Ortner
Organizer
Porter, TX
