Amanda's Healthy Recovery
Donation protected
Hello, my name is Amanda Mazure before you begin reading my story just know that this is incredibly hard for me to be sharing I would truly appreciate the support. If you know me than you know life has not been very easy for me. It all started when i was in about 3rd or 4th grade. I would wake up with night terrors and severe panic attacks which at the time my parents didn’t know were panics attacks they just thought i was throwing a tantrum. Eventually my parents took me to doctor after doctor until i was officially diagnosed with panic disorder and debilitating anxiety and depression.
I became so consumed by my illnesses that i stopped going to school, seeing friends or even leaving my bedroom. Since i never showed up to school i was constantly bullied and made fun of. I was just the weird girl who came to class every now and then but had to leave because i would have a panic attack in the middle of class. I was put on medication after medication and was in and out of psych therapy and hospital stays for my mental health. Eventually the bullying became so bad i had to switch schools entirely.
During my childhood and into my teenage years it was a constant cycle of therapy and doctors visits in and out of the psych ward hospitals. Not being able to go to school or hold onto a job. At the age of 15 i was once again faced with the problem of not going to school because of bullying. My anxiety about going to school would be so bad that i would have such a severe panic attack before going in that i would make myself vomit. I made the executive decision to enroll in all online courses to finish my high school career. I graduated by the time i was 16 years old which sounds great but i at that point had no plans for college due to fear and no friends.
A few good months came and went as i enrolled in beauty school and met some new friends. Things finally felt like they were falling into place. I was going to school, was handling holding a job and actually going out, but just as quick as the good times came they went just as fast.
August 12th, 2015 my parents sat my brothers and i down to have a serious talk. They explained to us that they were getting a divorce and that nothing would change. Within a couple months my father moved out, my mom was talking about moving from my childhood home and my world was flipped upside down. As much as they wouldn't like to admit it me and my brothers were used as pawns in my parents divorce. They constantly used us as excuses. All of the changes took a major toll on me for the worse.
A group of friends from school had been going to the gym every night so i decided to tag along just for fun at first. We would just casually workout together after school for an hour or so. I started to see changes in my body so i slowly started to increase the amount of time i was spending at the gym so i wouldn't have to deal with all of the exhausting drama at home. One hour slowly became 4 and once a day became 3 times a day.
With the workouts i was started to get into shape so i changed my diet which originally i thought was a good thing. I went from eating junk all of the time to healthier foods. I slowly started cutting things out of my diet starting with fast food to then regular dinners like pastas and tacos to where i was eventually only eating salads. I became addicted to counting calories i did it for everything and if i went over my calories for the day that meant more time in the gym. Soon i was down to eating one small salad a day and spending 4+ hours in the gym. My calorie counter got to the point where it wouldn't show my progress because my calorie intake was so extremely low.
The more people commented on my physical appearance and how good i looked the more i focussed on what i was eating. The thought of any “junk food” made me panic. I started to cut back even more on what i was eating because i was worried it was too many calories. It got so bad to where i was lucky if id eat an apple a day as my meal.
I got to the point where all i would eat in a day was an apple and maybe a handful of carrots but would workout for 5+ hours. I went to the gym everyday, no rest days that was not an option to me. I didn't realise what i was doing until it was too late, i was so consumed in my eating disorder i didnt even think i was doing anything wrong.
I stopped hanging out with friends, working, or even sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend because i was exhausted and fatigued all the time due to the lake of energy from not eating. It got to the point where even a stick of sugar free gum made me want to panic.
November 28th, 2017 i was having stomach pains so severe i couldn't move so my boyfriend rushed me to the ER. there i was told that my heart beat was so low (25-30 beats a minute) that they see most dying patients with heart beats as low as mine. They told me that my body was fighting to keep me alive. I was told i needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. For 2 weeks i was hooked up to a heart monitor, being poked and prodded to stabilize me. After finally getting stable i began to see what was going on, i was literally killing myself... slowly.
I soon after was enrolled into a partial hospitalization program for eating disorders. I came to realize that i used my eating disorder as a twisted way of coping with what has been happening my whole life. My parents abandoned me, being bullied, etc. i also came to realise that before my struggles with anorexia i had a binge eating disorder i had just always used food as my comfort and my coping method. I am now back to a healthy bmi and am eating regularly. I still have the horrible daily struggle of panic attacks when it comes to eating but recovery is a long process.
I am asking for help so i can continue to pay for my recovery treatment and get the help i need and deserve. If you can please help donate and help me in my process of defeating anorexia for good.
Without help I could have to stop treatment which risks me relapsing and falling back right to where i was. My therapist told me to share my story and ask for help so please i am asking for your help. thank you!
I have been told time and time again that this is all my fault, that eating disorders are a choice. Eating disorders are the leading cause of death with any mental illness. An eating disorder is NOT a choice. It is a scary and real disease and epidemic. For more information on eating disorders go to www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
I became so consumed by my illnesses that i stopped going to school, seeing friends or even leaving my bedroom. Since i never showed up to school i was constantly bullied and made fun of. I was just the weird girl who came to class every now and then but had to leave because i would have a panic attack in the middle of class. I was put on medication after medication and was in and out of psych therapy and hospital stays for my mental health. Eventually the bullying became so bad i had to switch schools entirely.
During my childhood and into my teenage years it was a constant cycle of therapy and doctors visits in and out of the psych ward hospitals. Not being able to go to school or hold onto a job. At the age of 15 i was once again faced with the problem of not going to school because of bullying. My anxiety about going to school would be so bad that i would have such a severe panic attack before going in that i would make myself vomit. I made the executive decision to enroll in all online courses to finish my high school career. I graduated by the time i was 16 years old which sounds great but i at that point had no plans for college due to fear and no friends.
A few good months came and went as i enrolled in beauty school and met some new friends. Things finally felt like they were falling into place. I was going to school, was handling holding a job and actually going out, but just as quick as the good times came they went just as fast.
August 12th, 2015 my parents sat my brothers and i down to have a serious talk. They explained to us that they were getting a divorce and that nothing would change. Within a couple months my father moved out, my mom was talking about moving from my childhood home and my world was flipped upside down. As much as they wouldn't like to admit it me and my brothers were used as pawns in my parents divorce. They constantly used us as excuses. All of the changes took a major toll on me for the worse.
A group of friends from school had been going to the gym every night so i decided to tag along just for fun at first. We would just casually workout together after school for an hour or so. I started to see changes in my body so i slowly started to increase the amount of time i was spending at the gym so i wouldn't have to deal with all of the exhausting drama at home. One hour slowly became 4 and once a day became 3 times a day.
With the workouts i was started to get into shape so i changed my diet which originally i thought was a good thing. I went from eating junk all of the time to healthier foods. I slowly started cutting things out of my diet starting with fast food to then regular dinners like pastas and tacos to where i was eventually only eating salads. I became addicted to counting calories i did it for everything and if i went over my calories for the day that meant more time in the gym. Soon i was down to eating one small salad a day and spending 4+ hours in the gym. My calorie counter got to the point where it wouldn't show my progress because my calorie intake was so extremely low.
The more people commented on my physical appearance and how good i looked the more i focussed on what i was eating. The thought of any “junk food” made me panic. I started to cut back even more on what i was eating because i was worried it was too many calories. It got so bad to where i was lucky if id eat an apple a day as my meal.
I got to the point where all i would eat in a day was an apple and maybe a handful of carrots but would workout for 5+ hours. I went to the gym everyday, no rest days that was not an option to me. I didn't realise what i was doing until it was too late, i was so consumed in my eating disorder i didnt even think i was doing anything wrong.
I stopped hanging out with friends, working, or even sleeping in the same bed as my boyfriend because i was exhausted and fatigued all the time due to the lake of energy from not eating. It got to the point where even a stick of sugar free gum made me want to panic.
November 28th, 2017 i was having stomach pains so severe i couldn't move so my boyfriend rushed me to the ER. there i was told that my heart beat was so low (25-30 beats a minute) that they see most dying patients with heart beats as low as mine. They told me that my body was fighting to keep me alive. I was told i needed to be admitted to the hospital immediately. For 2 weeks i was hooked up to a heart monitor, being poked and prodded to stabilize me. After finally getting stable i began to see what was going on, i was literally killing myself... slowly.
I soon after was enrolled into a partial hospitalization program for eating disorders. I came to realize that i used my eating disorder as a twisted way of coping with what has been happening my whole life. My parents abandoned me, being bullied, etc. i also came to realise that before my struggles with anorexia i had a binge eating disorder i had just always used food as my comfort and my coping method. I am now back to a healthy bmi and am eating regularly. I still have the horrible daily struggle of panic attacks when it comes to eating but recovery is a long process.
I am asking for help so i can continue to pay for my recovery treatment and get the help i need and deserve. If you can please help donate and help me in my process of defeating anorexia for good.
Without help I could have to stop treatment which risks me relapsing and falling back right to where i was. My therapist told me to share my story and ask for help so please i am asking for your help. thank you!
I have been told time and time again that this is all my fault, that eating disorders are a choice. Eating disorders are the leading cause of death with any mental illness. An eating disorder is NOT a choice. It is a scary and real disease and epidemic. For more information on eating disorders go to www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
Organizer
Amanda Mazure
Organizer
Highland Township, MI
