Help Get Alec a Therapist Challenge
Donation protected
hello. i'm alec. i'm a disabled, would-be writer, reader, listener, friend, magical being, or something.
to be entirely honest, it's as simple as "i would like to still be here to find out."
For the past few years I've had symptoms of borderline personality disorder conflagrate quite suddenly, and in force, after already going through innumerable medications for treating bipolar disorder and acute depression throughout my teens.
As a net result, I've had to drop out of university, move away from Toronto where I had a circle of friends, and back into my parents' home in rural Niagara. I've had to stop working; I've undergone one hospitalization about every three months, trying to contend (to different degrees of success) with the shifting nature of my symptoms, my new geographic and social location, grief for my old life.
What's different?
My neurotic personality is now giving way to psychotic symptoms as well. Symptoms had often risen and fallen without significance, but I now feel markedly more paranoid and simply *afraid for my life* than I was even a few months ago, and being cognizant of very real changes to how I process information feels alarming, to say the least.
Unfortunately I've /also/ expended all local resources possible, except in instances of crisis. This, of course, just further cultivates dangerous and negative cognitive links between assistance and crisis. In the Canadian system, you're entitled to a set amount of regional counseling, after which you can seek private therapy or enter into a waitlist for an intensive program. I hit that set amount a long time ago, and had been operating under the discretion of the mental health service. That ended.
It has now been two years since I have had access to a counselor whatsoever. At the start of that run of sessions, I initiated the process to find a therapist, and added my name to a regional case management list. It has now been 2 years, or more specifically 28 months, that I have waited for my name to come up. However, the waitlist was supposed to be a maximum of 24 months, and there is STILL no way to know if my name will even come up next Fall.
While a distressing reality in its own right, I have to add on the fact that I simply can't stay with my parents anymore. I'm liable to keep them up at night, in instances of uncontrollable sobbing, and they've had to see too much of my blood already. Due to the pressure of the situation, a growing disconnection between my mind and body, and my lack of resilience in situations that challenge my ability to cope with emotional intensity, even my relationship with my younger siblings has become increasingly negative over the past two years. I don't want them to resent me. I don't want to push my family apart, but I feel like my presence innately disturbs the people around me.
I know exactly how vulnerable I am right now, which is the point of this entire thing. This system is not accounting for me, and I feel as though I have little time left. I can't be scared to post this because my ex might use it to harass me. I can't be ashamed to share this information when I treat my Twitter like my therapist anyways. I need to face this forward.
I've been able to read so much in this years' long interim. I have every "For Dummies" book, from bipolar disorder, to CBT and DBT, to anxiety and depression, plus a litany from amazon when I would be recommended them by my counselor each month. There simply isn't anything more that I can do with this information in isolation, though, and taking it out on my Twitter feed also reinforces negative cognitive links between attention and crisis.
When I was still at university, I majored in equity studies, and was taking a minor in disability studies and women and gender studies. What I wanted to do was to bring into equity studies the essential and underrepresented voices of nonbinary or gnc people contending with disabling mental health conditions. I still desperately want that to be the general thrust of my goals, but I have to accept that I need help to process and reorient my experiences to get to that, or any, point.
I know that I can't be suffering for no reason, and that these experiences will inform my future in ways that I can't comprehend right now, but I need an expert to help me work backwards from these intense, intrusive, increasingly dangerous feelings, affects, and impulses.
Though what that necessitates is access to a private fucking therapist who I can talk to every other goddamn week. I'm on disability income, which makes anything beyond basic necessities a functional impossibility. A therapist would be a luxury, but we are at the point where there truly isn't any other option. I need to talk to someone this week. I know that's a whole lot to ask for.
A therapist would help me:
•Allow for a weekly opportunity to channel ennui into productivity
•Address concerns about not having any fixed sense of self
•Reorient my life around its' positive aspects, downplay negative
•Confront fears of abandonment and chronic mental depreciation
•Stabilize extreme emotional swings and intrusive thoughts
•Rein me back into a shared reality, learn to cope with disassociation
•Access to a space where I feel safe to talk to someone about my difficulties with trauma and sexuality
•Help me to cultivate healthier relationships with my family
•Guide me towards an ability to develop strong friendships
•Find ways to exist in this world until I can find a way to be happy in it.
This entire thing has been difficult to write, as I've been asked by a lot of people over the years how they can help, and I've never had a sufficient answer. This answer is insufficient too, but it is an answer: I am in acute need of a therapist, and anything that you can do to contribute would mean the world to me.
to be entirely honest, it's as simple as "i would like to still be here to find out."
For the past few years I've had symptoms of borderline personality disorder conflagrate quite suddenly, and in force, after already going through innumerable medications for treating bipolar disorder and acute depression throughout my teens.
As a net result, I've had to drop out of university, move away from Toronto where I had a circle of friends, and back into my parents' home in rural Niagara. I've had to stop working; I've undergone one hospitalization about every three months, trying to contend (to different degrees of success) with the shifting nature of my symptoms, my new geographic and social location, grief for my old life.
What's different?
My neurotic personality is now giving way to psychotic symptoms as well. Symptoms had often risen and fallen without significance, but I now feel markedly more paranoid and simply *afraid for my life* than I was even a few months ago, and being cognizant of very real changes to how I process information feels alarming, to say the least.
Unfortunately I've /also/ expended all local resources possible, except in instances of crisis. This, of course, just further cultivates dangerous and negative cognitive links between assistance and crisis. In the Canadian system, you're entitled to a set amount of regional counseling, after which you can seek private therapy or enter into a waitlist for an intensive program. I hit that set amount a long time ago, and had been operating under the discretion of the mental health service. That ended.
It has now been two years since I have had access to a counselor whatsoever. At the start of that run of sessions, I initiated the process to find a therapist, and added my name to a regional case management list. It has now been 2 years, or more specifically 28 months, that I have waited for my name to come up. However, the waitlist was supposed to be a maximum of 24 months, and there is STILL no way to know if my name will even come up next Fall.
While a distressing reality in its own right, I have to add on the fact that I simply can't stay with my parents anymore. I'm liable to keep them up at night, in instances of uncontrollable sobbing, and they've had to see too much of my blood already. Due to the pressure of the situation, a growing disconnection between my mind and body, and my lack of resilience in situations that challenge my ability to cope with emotional intensity, even my relationship with my younger siblings has become increasingly negative over the past two years. I don't want them to resent me. I don't want to push my family apart, but I feel like my presence innately disturbs the people around me.
I know exactly how vulnerable I am right now, which is the point of this entire thing. This system is not accounting for me, and I feel as though I have little time left. I can't be scared to post this because my ex might use it to harass me. I can't be ashamed to share this information when I treat my Twitter like my therapist anyways. I need to face this forward.
I've been able to read so much in this years' long interim. I have every "For Dummies" book, from bipolar disorder, to CBT and DBT, to anxiety and depression, plus a litany from amazon when I would be recommended them by my counselor each month. There simply isn't anything more that I can do with this information in isolation, though, and taking it out on my Twitter feed also reinforces negative cognitive links between attention and crisis.
When I was still at university, I majored in equity studies, and was taking a minor in disability studies and women and gender studies. What I wanted to do was to bring into equity studies the essential and underrepresented voices of nonbinary or gnc people contending with disabling mental health conditions. I still desperately want that to be the general thrust of my goals, but I have to accept that I need help to process and reorient my experiences to get to that, or any, point.
I know that I can't be suffering for no reason, and that these experiences will inform my future in ways that I can't comprehend right now, but I need an expert to help me work backwards from these intense, intrusive, increasingly dangerous feelings, affects, and impulses.
Though what that necessitates is access to a private fucking therapist who I can talk to every other goddamn week. I'm on disability income, which makes anything beyond basic necessities a functional impossibility. A therapist would be a luxury, but we are at the point where there truly isn't any other option. I need to talk to someone this week. I know that's a whole lot to ask for.
A therapist would help me:
•Allow for a weekly opportunity to channel ennui into productivity
•Address concerns about not having any fixed sense of self
•Reorient my life around its' positive aspects, downplay negative
•Confront fears of abandonment and chronic mental depreciation
•Stabilize extreme emotional swings and intrusive thoughts
•Rein me back into a shared reality, learn to cope with disassociation
•Access to a space where I feel safe to talk to someone about my difficulties with trauma and sexuality
•Help me to cultivate healthier relationships with my family
•Guide me towards an ability to develop strong friendships
•Find ways to exist in this world until I can find a way to be happy in it.
This entire thing has been difficult to write, as I've been asked by a lot of people over the years how they can help, and I've never had a sufficient answer. This answer is insufficient too, but it is an answer: I am in acute need of a therapist, and anything that you can do to contribute would mean the world to me.
Organizer
Alec Murray
Organizer
Thorold, ON
